Alex Rodriguez Admits to Kabbalah Use

Backward: The Snooze

By Hasdai Westbrook

Published March 04, 2009, issue of March 13, 2009.
  • Print
  • Share Share

In a tearful televised confession, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez yesterday confirmed long-rumored allegations of performance-enhancing kabbalah use during a live interview with ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons. Citing pressure to stay competitive, Rodriguez acknowledged resorting to the practice of esoteric Jewish mysticism on multiple occasions since being introduced to its mysterious and perplexing power by pop chanteuse and rumored paramour Madonna, a prominent Kabbalangelist.

Two: The number of aspects of the Divine in Kabbalah.
GETTY IMAGES
Two: The number of aspects of the Divine in Kabbalah.

“I want to apologize to the fans,” said Rodriguez. “I was young and naïve. It was a loosey-goosey time in baseball and I thought the shining light of the Zohar would give me that push I needed, without over-investigating what I was studying, to get me to the next level.”

Rodriguez maintained that he did not know precisely what kabbalistic aids he made use of, explaining that such knowledge belongs exclusively to the realm of “Ein Sof” — the “Sefirah” or “emanation” of God that is without limit and beyond human understanding.

But recent urine tests indicated the presence in his system of Sodolan, a potent klippot-blocker known to break down the primeval “husks” of impurity that can inhibit spiritual growth and bat speed. “I knew I wasn’t taking Hamantashen,” Rodriguez acknowledged, refusing to go into further detail.

The revelations came as rabbinical authorities moved to indict controversial Kabbalah coach and Madonna confidante Feivel “Rav Berg” Gruberger, of the Los Angeles-based Kabbalah Centre, on charges of illicitly trafficking in red kabbalah wristbands and kabbalah-inspired injunctions against demon-sperm-producing male masturbation. Rodriguez refused to confirm whether Gruberger was his supplier.

Kabbalah use, along with Jobu worship and various other forms of performance-boosting transmundane rituals, is officially barred by Major League Baseball, though no punishment is currently in place. Side effects of kabbalah include possession by dybbuks and severe hypogonadism.

“Kabbalah has been very, very good to me,” an emotional Rodriguez declared on the program. “But it’s a dead end. I want to tell all the kids out there to stay off the K.”


The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.





Find us on Facebook!
  • “I don’t want to say, ‘Oh oh, I’m not Jewish,’ because when you say that, you sound like someone trying to get into a 1950s country club, “and I love the idea of being Jewish." Are you a fan of Seth Meyers?
  • "If you want my advice: more Palestinians, more checkpoints, just more reality." What do you think?
  • Happy birthday Barbra Streisand! Our favorite Funny Girl turns 72 today.
  • Clueless parenting advice from the star of "Clueless."
  • Why won't the city give an answer?
  • BREAKING NEWS: Israel has officially suspended peace talks with the Palestinians.
  • Can you guess what the most boring job in the army is?
  • What the foolish rabbi of Chelm teaches us about Israel and the Palestinian unity deal:
  • Mazel tov to Idina Menzel on making Variety "Power of Women" cover! http://jd.fo/f3Mms
  • "How much should I expect him and/or ask him to participate? Is it enough to have one parent reciting the prayers and observing the holidays?" What do you think?
  • New York and Montreal have been at odds for far too long. Stop the bagel wars, sign our bagel peace treaty!
  • Really, can you blame them?
  • “How I Stopped Hating Women of the Wall and Started Talking to My Mother.” Will you see it?
  • Taglit-Birthright Israel is redefining who they consider "Jewish" after a 17% drop in registration from 2011-2013. Is the "propaganda tag" keeping young people away?
  • Happy birthday William Shakespeare! Turns out, the Bard knew quite a bit about Jews.
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.