Wonka Factory Receives Hekhsher

Backward: A Purim Spoof

By Scott Jacobson

Published March 04, 2009, issue of March 13, 2009.
  • Print
  • Share Share

Following is the required report filed by the Unorthodox Union inspection team and intercepted by the Backward. It describes the full process they undertook to determine whether a particular sweets-producing entity complies with the highest-level standards for kosher certification.

Kosher inspection team arrived at Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory, now seeking kosher certification. Once inside factory, inspection team was greeted by sight of chocolate river, sprawling peppermint gardens and towering, fragrant cotton candy trees. Team noted that mezuza on factory door was made of taffy. (Note: Kosher?)

Willy Wonka appeared wearing bright purple top hat and green bow tie. He greeted inspection team with energetic dance and offer of cotton candy. Offer was declined.

Chief Inspector asked Mr. Wonka if team could meet factory workers and view all documentation, as per new regulations. Mr. Wonka did not respond, but did pluck magic gum balls from team’s ears and sang song about soda pop. When question was repeated, Mr. Wonka again plucked gum balls from team’s ears and sang even longer song about soda pop.

Mr. Wonka escorted team on factory tour, demonstrating along the way such new Wonka products as gefilte fish-flavored Pop Rocks and gingerbread men who hum along to Klezmer music. Also something called “Everlasting Gelt-Stopper.”

Through half-open doorway, inspectors spotted Oompa Loompa worker splattered head to toe in what looked like raspberry soda. (Exact nature of liquid not confirmed.) Worker’s bright green bouffant hair was not in a net.

Possible sanitation violation.

Upon closer observation, said Oompa Loompa appeared to be in process of shechting a magical gumdrop-laying snazzlebird using the “shackle-and-hoist” method. Bird’s frantic cries of “YUM YUM SNAZZLEBERRY YUM YUM SNAZZLEBERRY” were off-putting. However, rabbi on duty assured team this is kosher way to slaughter snazzlebird.

After lunch, Mr. Wonka was distracted by butterscotch fire in lollipop sector. During this brief period, team was approached by Oompa Loompa who appeared distraught and informed team in song:

Oompa Loompa, Loompa-dee-dee/

Please you people have gotta help me/

The knives, the knives, the kniiiiiivvvves…

Oompa Loompa then began speaking rapidly in foreign language, which inspection team member identified as Loompish. Team asked to review this worker’s documents and ID. Driver’s license identified worker as Clyde Stevens from Scottsdale, Ariz. Documents appeared in order.

When Mr. Wonka returned, Oompa Loompa made exclamation in Loompish and burrowed into nougat lagoon. Possible contamination issue. (Note: Follow up on future visit.)

Chief Inspector informed Mr. Wonka everything met approval, so long as aforementioned mezuza was indeed made of kosher taffy. Kosherness of taffy confirmed.

Inspection team was presented with a basket of freshly harvested snazzlebird gumdrops and ushered out of the factory.

Kosher designation granted.

Scott Jacobson is a comedy writer living in Brooklyn. He has written for The Daily Show and Adult Swim.


The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.





Find us on Facebook!
  • What can we learn from tragedies like the rampage in suburban Kansas City? For one thing, we must keep our eyes on the real threats that we as Jews face.
  • When is a legume not necessarily a legume? Philologos has the answer.
  • "Sometime in my childhood, I realized that the Exodus wasn’t as remote or as faceless as I thought it was, because I knew a former slave. His name was Hersh Nemes, and he was my grandfather." Share this moving Passover essay!
  • Getting ready for Seder? Chag Sameach! http://jd.fo/q3LO2
  • "We are not so far removed from the tragedies of the past, and as Jews sit down to the Seder meal, this event is a teachable moment of how the hatred of Jews-as-Other is still alive and well. It is not realistic to be complacent."
  • Aperitif Cocktail, Tequila Shot, Tom Collins or Vodka Soda — Which son do you relate to?
  • Elvis craved bacon on tour. Michael Jackson craved matzo ball soup. We've got the recipe.
  • This is the face of hatred.
  • What could be wrong with a bunch of guys kicking back with a steak and a couple of beers and talking about the Seder? Try everything. #ManSeder
  • BREAKING: Smirking killer singled out Jews for death in suburban Kansas City rampage. 3 die in bloody rampage at JCC and retirement home.
  • Real exodus? For Mimi Minsky, it's screaming kids and demanding hubby on way down to Miami, not matzo in the desert.
  • The real heroines of Passover prep aren't even Jewish. But the holiday couldn't happen without them.
  • Is Handel’s ‘Messiah’ an anti-Semitic screed?
  • Meet the Master of the Matzo Ball.
  • Pierre Dulaine wants to do in his hometown of Jaffa what he did for kids in Manhattan: teach them to dance.
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.