Following is the required report filed by the Unorthodox Union inspection team and intercepted by the Backward. It describes the full process they undertook to determine whether a particular sweets-producing entity complies with the highest-level standards for kosher certification.
Kosher inspection team arrived at Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory, now seeking kosher certification. Once inside factory, inspection team was greeted by sight of chocolate river, sprawling peppermint gardens and towering, fragrant cotton candy trees. Team noted that mezuza on factory door was made of taffy. (Note: Kosher?)
Willy Wonka appeared wearing bright purple top hat and green bow tie. He greeted inspection team with energetic dance and offer of cotton candy. Offer was declined.
Chief Inspector asked Mr. Wonka if team could meet factory workers and view all documentation, as per new regulations. Mr. Wonka did not respond, but did pluck magic gum balls from team’s ears and sang song about soda pop. When question was repeated, Mr. Wonka again plucked gum balls from team’s ears and sang even longer song about soda pop.
Mr. Wonka escorted team on factory tour, demonstrating along the way such new Wonka products as gefilte fish-flavored Pop Rocks and gingerbread men who hum along to Klezmer music. Also something called “Everlasting Gelt-Stopper.”
Through half-open doorway, inspectors spotted Oompa Loompa worker splattered head to toe in what looked like raspberry soda. (Exact nature of liquid not confirmed.) Worker’s bright green bouffant hair was not in a net.
Possible sanitation violation.
Upon closer observation, said Oompa Loompa appeared to be in process of shechting a magical gumdrop-laying snazzlebird using the “shackle-and-hoist” method. Bird’s frantic cries of “YUM YUM SNAZZLEBERRY YUM YUM SNAZZLEBERRY” were off-putting. However, rabbi on duty assured team this is kosher way to slaughter snazzlebird.
After lunch, Mr. Wonka was distracted by butterscotch fire in lollipop sector. During this brief period, team was approached by Oompa Loompa who appeared distraught and informed team in song:
Oompa Loompa, Loompa-dee-dee/
Please you people have gotta help me/
The knives, the knives, the kniiiiiivvvves…
Oompa Loompa then began speaking rapidly in foreign language, which inspection team member identified as Loompish. Team asked to review this worker’s documents and ID. Driver’s license identified worker as Clyde Stevens from Scottsdale, Ariz. Documents appeared in order.
When Mr. Wonka returned, Oompa Loompa made exclamation in Loompish and burrowed into nougat lagoon. Possible contamination issue. (Note: Follow up on future visit.)
Chief Inspector informed Mr. Wonka everything met approval, so long as aforementioned mezuza was indeed made of kosher taffy. Kosherness of taffy confirmed.
Inspection team was presented with a basket of freshly harvested snazzlebird gumdrops and ushered out of the factory.
Kosher designation granted.
Scott Jacobson is a comedy writer living in Brooklyn. He has written for The Daily Show and Adult Swim.