Wonka Factory Receives Hekhsher

Backward: A Purim Spoof

By Scott Jacobson

Published March 04, 2009, issue of March 13, 2009.
  • Print
  • Share Share

Following is the required report filed by the Unorthodox Union inspection team and intercepted by the Backward. It describes the full process they undertook to determine whether a particular sweets-producing entity complies with the highest-level standards for kosher certification.

Kosher inspection team arrived at Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory, now seeking kosher certification. Once inside factory, inspection team was greeted by sight of chocolate river, sprawling peppermint gardens and towering, fragrant cotton candy trees. Team noted that mezuza on factory door was made of taffy. (Note: Kosher?)

Willy Wonka appeared wearing bright purple top hat and green bow tie. He greeted inspection team with energetic dance and offer of cotton candy. Offer was declined.

Chief Inspector asked Mr. Wonka if team could meet factory workers and view all documentation, as per new regulations. Mr. Wonka did not respond, but did pluck magic gum balls from team’s ears and sang song about soda pop. When question was repeated, Mr. Wonka again plucked gum balls from team’s ears and sang even longer song about soda pop.

Mr. Wonka escorted team on factory tour, demonstrating along the way such new Wonka products as gefilte fish-flavored Pop Rocks and gingerbread men who hum along to Klezmer music. Also something called “Everlasting Gelt-Stopper.”

Through half-open doorway, inspectors spotted Oompa Loompa worker splattered head to toe in what looked like raspberry soda. (Exact nature of liquid not confirmed.) Worker’s bright green bouffant hair was not in a net.

Possible sanitation violation.

Upon closer observation, said Oompa Loompa appeared to be in process of shechting a magical gumdrop-laying snazzlebird using the “shackle-and-hoist” method. Bird’s frantic cries of “YUM YUM SNAZZLEBERRY YUM YUM SNAZZLEBERRY” were off-putting. However, rabbi on duty assured team this is kosher way to slaughter snazzlebird.

After lunch, Mr. Wonka was distracted by butterscotch fire in lollipop sector. During this brief period, team was approached by Oompa Loompa who appeared distraught and informed team in song:

Oompa Loompa, Loompa-dee-dee/

Please you people have gotta help me/

The knives, the knives, the kniiiiiivvvves…

Oompa Loompa then began speaking rapidly in foreign language, which inspection team member identified as Loompish. Team asked to review this worker’s documents and ID. Driver’s license identified worker as Clyde Stevens from Scottsdale, Ariz. Documents appeared in order.

When Mr. Wonka returned, Oompa Loompa made exclamation in Loompish and burrowed into nougat lagoon. Possible contamination issue. (Note: Follow up on future visit.)

Chief Inspector informed Mr. Wonka everything met approval, so long as aforementioned mezuza was indeed made of kosher taffy. Kosherness of taffy confirmed.

Inspection team was presented with a basket of freshly harvested snazzlebird gumdrops and ushered out of the factory.

Kosher designation granted.

Scott Jacobson is a comedy writer living in Brooklyn. He has written for The Daily Show and Adult Swim.


The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.





Find us on Facebook!
  • British Jews are having their 'Open Hillel' moment. Do you think Israel advocacy on campus runs the risk of excluding some Jewish students?
  • "What I didn’t realize before my trip was that I would leave Uganda with a powerful mandate on my shoulders — almost as if I had personally left Egypt."
  • Is it better to have a young, fresh rabbi, or a rabbi who stays with the same congregation for a long time? What do you think?
  • Why does the leader of Israel's social protest movement now work in a beauty parlor instead of the Knesset?
  • What's it like to be Chagall's granddaughter?
  • Is pot kosher for Passover. The rabbis say no, especially for Ashkenazi Jews. And it doesn't matter if its the unofficial Pot Day of April 20.
  • A Ukrainian rabbi says he thinks the leaflets ordering Jews in restive Donetsk to 'register' were a hoax. But the disturbing story still won't die.
  • Some snacks to help you get through the second half of Passover.
  • You wouldn't think that a Soviet-Jewish immigrant would find much in common with Gabriel Garcia Marquez. But the famed novelist once helped one man find his first love. http://jd.fo/f3JiS
  • Can you relate?
  • The Forverts' "Bintel Brief" advice column ran for more than 65 years. Now it's getting a second life — as a cartoon.
  • Half of this Hillel's members believe Jesus was the Messiah.
  • Vinyl isn't just for hipsters and hippies. Israeli photographer Eilan Paz documents the most astonishing record collections from around the world:http://jd.fo/g3IyM
  • Could Spider-Man be Jewish? Andrew Garfield thinks so.
  • Most tasteless video ever? A new video shows Jesus Christ dying at Auschwitz.
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.