Invisible Revisions
One Jewish Perspective on Interfaith Relationships
By Hila Ratzabi
My American-Jewish childhood may have been typical: Friday night dinner was followed by 20/20 on TV, Saturday morning synagogue often preceded a trip to the mall. I went to a Conservative Jewish day school where controversial topics were often discussed openly, though not interfaith dating or marriage. The implied assumption was: We were expected to marry other Jews.
My Jewish observance has fluctuated over the years, but by the end of college things had started to slip. I was changing, but I couldn’t map the changes, or provide a solid, philosophical reason for them. Like the body, which replaces all its cells every seven years, the mind engages in invisible revisions we scarcely notice. The notion that I must marry a Jew hung in the air around me, as though the ideal partner were a leaf on a branch that began to appear higher and higher up on the tree, to the point that I soon couldn’t see or remember the leaf’s color.
By the time I turned 27, I had met a non-Jew who I considered dating. I thought about what a potential relationship might mean, but in the end, I went with my heart, leaping into the unknown. I told him on our first date that I had, in the past, tried only to date Jews. But when he asked why, I fumbled, unable to answer. I knew I wanted to raise my children Jewish. I wanted to celebrate holidays and Shabbat without being fully “observant.” I wanted to practice and pass down Jewish teachings on social and economic justice. And it dawned on me that perhaps it is possible to have all these things with a supportive non-Jewish partner.
After a year together, I’ve discovered he’s someone who, oddly enough, gets my quirky version of Judaism. He jokes about editing out the violent parts of the Torah; I tell him: good luck. We argue about the existence of God. He participates in holidays with me. He stands by me when I do tashlich. He brings me bagels for my break-fast on Yom Kippur.
I understand why a strictly observant Jew would seek out a partner who has a similar level of observance, just like a strict vegan may choose to seek out a like-minded partner. However, if, like myself, you are not strictly observant, or your brand of spirituality is at times fervent, at times skeptical, there is room for flexibility.
I don’t fit easily into any part of the spectrum of Jewish identity available to modern Jews. I am not hippie enough for the neo-Hasidic, post-denominational, Renewal sect; but I can occasionally be found singing and dancing with fellow alternative Jews. I am not observant enough to be Orthodox; yet I enjoy Shabbat dinner with Chabad. Conservative Judaism is not radical enough for me; but I owe my Jewish identity to the Schechter school I attended and to the teachings of Abraham Joshua Heschel. I’m not Reform; I prefer hearing Hebrew in synagogue, and I don’t like the term “confirmation.” But I am grateful that the Reform movement is an option for so many Jews. I’m not Reconstructionist, because, philosophically, I can’t divorce Jewish theology from Jewish culture; but where would modern Judaism be without the work of Mordechai Kaplan? I’m not a secular Jew, because I believe in God, and I find value in certain religious practices. But I’m heartened that Jews who don’t feel comfortable with a supernatural deity have a community in which to share their skepticism, and to celebrate non-religious aspects of being Jewish. And finally, although I’m technically an Israeli-American, unfortunately, my Hebrew accent is abysmal and “real” Israelis have never hesitated to point that out.
Like many Jews in interfaith relationships, I have experienced opposition from family. At the same time, I began reading personal narratives of, and talking to, Jews in interfaith relationships, and found that most were committed to their Jewish identity and to sharing Judaism with their children, and their partners were supportive. I began to wonder why so many Jews who maintain the social taboo against intermarriage were religiously non-observant. Once the rigid technicalities of religious observance and a traditional religious belief system are stripped away, the core belief that remains is that Jewishness is a genetic identity, and that Jews are expected to marry other Jews solely for the purpose of perpetuating Jewish genealogy.
This biological idea flies in the face of my definition of being Jewish, which is not about genetics, but about practicing a set of ideals that will hopefully inspire the world to become a more peaceful place. The more I thought about tribal insularity, the more it felt like racism, and the more it felt like the opposite of what I stood for as a Jew. I am reminded of a quote by Heschel, which my mother gave to me years ago: “To be is to stand for.” The only kind of Judaism that I feel comfortable standing for is inclusive; a Judaism that aspires toward a world in which group insularity is secondary to peace.
We’re hung up on the question: Who is a Jew? We hear this in debates about conversion status in Israel and whether the mother or father determines the Jewish identity of their children. The question follows me around like a confused, lost puppy. We should be more interested in how to behave “Jewishly,” how to incorporate great Jewish teachings into our lives, than worrying about identity labels. Judaism helps me work toward becoming a more aware and empathic person. And so does my non-Jewish partner, who has boosted me closer to seeing that single leaf on the tree, whose particular shape and color are not what I expected.
Hila Ratzabi is the author of a book of poetry, The Apparatus of Visible Things (Finishing Line Press, 2009).
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"I began to wonder why so many Jews who maintain the social taboo against intermarriage were religiously non-observant". Hila, you have adopted the American Jewish identity which articulates its Jewishness as "religion". Notice that the American Jews "articulate" their Jewishness as religion - even a very irreligious person will say that he is a Jew "because it's my religion". But it's not religion, obviously. It's peoplehood. In Israel, it's obvious that we (the Jews) are a people. We talk about Jews in the same way that we talk about the Arabs or the French or the Russians. The American Jews speak about the Jews as a parallel term to Christians or Moslems. But the remaining opposition to intermarriage among irreligious Jews only indicates that even in American Jewry - despite articulating Jewishness as "religion" - the historic peoplehood identity of the Jews remains alive. Intermarriage is perceived, therefore, as a threat to the continuity of Jewish peoplehood.
In a way I'm sorry to see intermarriage, just like I'm sad that Yiddish is no longer a spoken language. A gentile, with an uptight New England background, I found myself more at home among New York's Jews than anywhere else. I thrived on the free and often irreverent and humorous conversation and marveled at the closeness and warmth of Jewish families I knew. I have two Jewish sons, one of who married a Jewish girl, who is a delight, along with her whole extended family. My younger boy is going with a girl who is half Jewish. So somehow there is continuity...I guess. On being a Jew, One definition I like, from Lionel Trilling is: Jewishness is an identity. My own is that Jewishness is an existential condition. I think of the Archbishop of Paris, raised gentiale to protect him during the Nazi occupation. On learning in middle age he had Jewish parents, he simply accepted and KNEW. He would begin sermons "We Jews...."
Ben says that Judaism is not a religion but peoplehood, and so American Jews must be wrong when they consider Judaism a religion. Ben, like so many others, you don't get it. In America we have freedom. That includes the right to define Judaism any way we want! You can have yours and we can have ours. That's really what Freedom of Religion is.
“I’m not Reconstructionist, because, philosophically, I can’t divorce Jewish theology from Jewish culture…”
While it is true that Kaplan created the ability for Jews to participate and thrive within Jewish culture without an embrace of any particular theology, it isn’t true that Kaplan (or present day Reconstructionist Jews) insist that theology and culture should be “divorced.” In fact, the opposite is the case. Where there is theology, Kaplan insisted that it should be strongly tied to culture. Present day Reconstructionist Jews would tend to agree.
Hila, you are certainly free to label yourself (or not) any way you choose but Jewish theology and Jewish culture are still married to one another within the Reconstructionist universe.
On the discussion about peoplehood, tribal insularity and religion, see my article in Contact: http://www.jewishlife.org/pdf/spring_2008.pdf
Dan Ehrenkrantz President, Reconstructionist Rabbinical College
Beautifully written, and well thought-out...................except, what will her children be? What will her grandchildren be? I am certain that they will be good people, who behave and act for the betterment of mankind, because Hila is a very good person. But, will they be Jewish? If we (Jews) all do as Hila has rationalized will there still be a Jewish people 100 years from now. I honestly and sincerely believe we will self-destruct. What will Hila tell her children when they begin to date non-Jews? Oh, its ok as long as they are "good people"? It will be very difficult for her to tell them they can't inter-date. I don't know what the statistics are, but I'm guessing that children of inter-married couples may not always "adopt" the religion of the dominant parent, even though they are raised in that religion. Even if those children do happen to marry Jews, I'm guessing it will be more likely that their children will not be Jewish. I am concerned that she places the onus of her current relationship with G-d and Judaism on her parents. I am positive there are many parents who go to shul with the kids then go to the mall, and they still don't inter-date. I do agree that the more the child sees at home that can be associated with some level of observance (lighting candles, Shabbos dinner, etc) the more likely that child will be to stay on the derech eretz.
We Jews represent such a small minority of this world. Inter-marriage will do to us what Haman and Hitler both tried and thank G-d failed. I have very few absolutes in my life, but maintaining and not diluting our Jewish people is one. As I always told my 4 children when they were growing up, never date a non-Jew. Not because they are any "less good" than us, but because you might fall in love. Then you've got a problem. Unfortunately, Hila now has a problem. Writing a beautiful and heartfelt article in the Forward isn't going to change that. Having said all of this, if I were her father, I'd still love her.
Part of this particular case and intermarraige and eventual conversion to christianity in general by the principal and or her children is the very clear fact that the idealogy she was educated and raised in was infused with assimilation, universalism, equality, and relativism. All the markers that make someone part of an ethnic group, a nation, a culture, a people that one wants to belong to, that one is, that one feels chauvinistic about that would be a barrier to the above, are not present. What are some, language and books, yiddish and hebrew not present, but fluent english is, books traditional jewish religious texts and their mastery not present and the ability to access not present but the NY Times and and great novels I suspect are. A community has to want to continue, to be to succeed and prosper but for the non orthodox jews they as an idealogy, as a raison d etre embraced assimilation and its associated values. The fact that intermarraige and baptism is so high is a testament to the idealogy and values that were inculcated in their community. In the neighborhood I grew up in many failies had all the children intermarried and many converted, grandparents buy christmas present exclusively but the fall from jewish life and judaism began decades earlier.
You've put a voice to the thoughts of so many of us twenty/thirty somethings who are one generation removed from the Holocaust. We all struggled with this concept of marrying/dating Jewish, despite our parents actions to the contrary - for me, moving to a town with no Jewish boys to date.
In the end, after dating only non-Jews, I've married a Jew and we're in our thirteenth year of marriage. I think the issues with intermarriage arise later - when the love is not as spicy and mysterious and things like in-laws, money, children, job stress creep in. At time, those stressors can break you down and the core committment of a Jewish marriage and home ground you.
If your man is open to being a Jew, formally or informally and raising Jewish children then love him and give him time to prove this to your family.
My grandparents survived the camps and sacrificed to raise my parents. They did not believe in God. They were challenged to keep kosher. But they watched their siblings and parents die for being Jewish and wanted us to be Jewish for the sake of the collective Jewish family that disappeared. My children will be raised Jewish, in a Jewish home, with Jewish parents in the memory of my great aunts and uncles who could not carry forth their own...
Reading the above prose, I took away with me emotional (legitimate) issues. I think the real issue is not necessarily how to remain Jewish rather what is the significance of remaining Jewish. If we define/see the goal then it is easier to define the method. I I cannot give my children good reasons/values for intramarrying then why should I burden them with these values of yestergenerations? A lot of the reasons that my parents gave me do not seem honest, relevant, democratic... I've got a problem! Uh, can I get some assistance here? (Thanks)
A few generations back the Haham Rev Dr Theodore Gaster of London's Spanish and Portuguese Synagogue was a leading figure in Anglo-Jewish life. When a recent scholar traced the Gaster geneology he discovered that none of the present day generation of descendants are Jewish ! They're no doubt fine, upstanding people within the upper echelons of British society, but none identify themselves as Jews -- religiously, culturally or any other way. Is this really what we aspire to?
Hi Hila,
I really enjoyed reading this and I think you have a lot of interesting points.
I grew up as a non-observant Jew in New York. My parents were mostly non-practicing and barely identified as Jewish, though I had a lot of Jewish friends. Because of that, I asked them to let me go to Hebrew school, where I enjoyed learning Hebrew, but found that the theology didn't make sense to me, so I dropped out.
I am really confused by the people (and not just Jews) who have this attachment to retaining culture over history - to "ensuring the survival of Jewish culture" or really any particular culture for that matter. Culture evolves and as the world becomes smaller, many cultures merge and form new cultures - why is any particular cultural identity important to retain? I think the important thing is, as you said, passing on our values to our children and then letting them take it from there where they want. But you can't ever control that and trying will only, ironically, damage them and perhaps make them doubt those values even more.
I think keeping a strong record of history is important so we can remember all the beautiful cultures that have graced this planet, but trying to hold on so tightly to cultures that have inertia to evolve - is not helping anyone.
Hila,
I sympathize with the mental dilemma that you have portrayed and maybe a couple of points may help you to see that which you have portrayed in a different light.
In paragraph 3 you say that you always tried to date Jews but when asked why you fumbled for an answer. Yet you don’t question why you want to raise your children or why you wish to celebrate holidays and Shabbat?
You make mention that you believe in God and you infer that your partner doesn’t (paragraph 4), And that you are not part of any defined to any “Judaic sect”.
In paragraph 5 you compare the desire of a strictly observant Jew to seek out a partner who has a similar level of observance to a vegan who would want the same. I would love to understand the comparison. However, I will settle for an explanation why a strictly observant Jew would seek out a partner of similar level of observance.
In paragraph 7 you come to a conclusion that you cannot accept, that the purpose of marrying a Jew is solely for the purpose of perpetuating Jewish genealogy and in paragraph 8 you define being Jewish which is not about genetics rather about practicing a set of ideals that will hopefully inspire the world to become a more peaceful place.
Besides the obvious question of why not ask yourself the following. There are many commandments in the Torah most of them do not have reasons spelled out in the Torah while some few do i.e. Honor your Father & Mother so that your days will be lengthened. What happens if one transgresses one of those commandments? Well we all know that Judaism has a great gift from God called meaningful repentance. However if someone lit a fire on Shabbat there is no noticeable effect that would seem to effect the world, and after a good repentance the memory of the transgression can be wiped clean. However, if someone gave birth to a bastard while his/her repentance may be totally accepted from God, the bastard is what he/she is and that remains as something that cannot be fixed. Through out the history of Jewry there have been people that strayed from the religion by not keeping this or that commandment. However, they never broke the chain thereby leaving the door open to generations to come. However those that did break the chain we don’t even know about them anymore. Mark Twain marvels about the Jew that he is always around from generation to generation while the big guns have come & gone. This is actually stated in Deuteronomy and we sing this as a tune in the Hagaddah on Passover. Stories upon stories there are of Spanish marranos that would do everything to hide their faith even eat pig because of Pikuach Nefesh, afraid of being killed, but always married Jewish people. There must be something to it.
Now it’s possible that someone will say that I don’t understand it so forget it. As you wrote being Jewish is not about genetics rather about practicing a set of ideals that will hopefully inspire the world to become a more peaceful place. You are entitled to your opinion however you sound a bit close minded. You remind me of the Grandparents that see their child or grandchild become more religious and they ask why can’t you be more like us? Close minded. So I will share with you another story. 2 people were arguing about the Creation of the world. One believed in the creation of the world as explained in the Torah while the other believed in the big bang. After many long hours The Creationist said we are going to agree to disagree but I want to ask you a question. I live my life asking questions but I know that there are smarter people than me out there in the world and at every given moment science and technology is learning something new about the world which means that they don’t know everything yet. So I ask a wait and I follow in my parents footsteps even if I don’t understand it. For they learned from their parents all the way back to Sinai what we received the Torah and I’m conceited enough to think that God needs to explain everything to me before I perform his commandments. I mean lets face it he didn’t need to create me. However, what are you going to say when you get old and all of sudden everything that it says in the Torah is explained clearly, aren’t you going to say what an idiot I’ve been. I’ve been living a lie my whole life and now I can’t live it properly? To which he responds with a laugh, yes my friends and I joke all the time that we are going to keep climbing the mountain towards the truth and at the top when we get there is the monk, rabbi, priest and we look up and they say, so you finally got here.
Finally in Paragraph 9 you begin with who is a Jew and end off with your partner boosting you towards that leaf on the tree whose particular shape and color are not what you expected. Help is always coming from strange places. And if you feel that he has helped you so much maybe you should take him to some Hebrew classes and if he converts legitimately you won’t have any more questions. For unwittingly your example is referring to one leaf on the same tree as all the others, which would mean that all Jews as different as they are, are all related, all caring of each other and are all from one source. May God grant you a pleasant journey home.