NEWS ITEM: A scholar who holds numerous degrees argues that William Shakespeare was actually a Jewish woman of Italian descent, Amelia Bassano Lanier. One clue, he says, is that the Shakespearean plays contain more examples of women characters dressing up as men than in the whole English theater up to that point.
A scholar now puts forth this view:
That William Shakespeare was a Jew!
What’s more, the famed tragedian
Was female, not a true-blue man!
This casts new light on William’s plays!
We must regard them in new ways!
But why would “she” produce free-verse?
Un-Jewish, such an open-purse!
(The Shakespeare plays — this is the norm —
Are all composed in free-verse form.)
Should we the scholar disregard,
Reject his concept of the Bard?
(Now, really, would a kosher Will
Of Ham-let write with such great skill?).
As for “The Taming of the Shrew,”
That yenta, maybe, was a Jew?
A female bard? How can this be?
With Avon-lady pedigree?
Upon the scholar’s house a pox!
No bagels for him! or (Shy)lox!
What’s next? Will theorists unveil
That Queen Elizabeth was male?
(This notion verges on obscene,
An insult to the Virgin Queen!).
In college texts there has appeared
The Shakespeare portrait, with a beard.
But now perhaps we should erase
The hirstute growth upon that face.
Our scholar’s thesis, let’s admit,
Is Much Ado About Gornit!
Shakespeare Iz Geven a Yidene
A groyser khokhem zogt azoy:
Az Shakespeare iz geven a froy,
Un mer! a Yidene — mit min
Nit menlekh (herst?), nor feminin!
Vos far a meyvin iz der man?
(A nar, vi Stenley Siegelman?)
Hinter der tsene darf men geyn
Dem “gelerntn” tsu farshteyn!
A vayblekh Shakespeare — ruf zi “zi” —
A shrayberke fun poesie?
Oyffrirer fun forshtelungen?
A goen, superwoman, a bren?
Der mumkhe, efsher, geyt tsu vayt,
Un kholemt fun Midsummer’s Night?
Fun khazerim hot “zi” getrakht
Ven “Ham-let” (shpil) “zi” hot gemakht?
Nit miglekh, az a koshere froy
Hot oyfgefirt zikh ot azoy!
(In shpil, “The Taming of the Shrew,”
Di yente iz geven a Jew?).
A vayblekh Bard? a fantazye!
Nu, lomir ale shrayen feh.
Der meyvin makht oyf undz a vits?
(Kumt vayter Shelley, Byron, Keats?).
Elizabeth, di Virgin Queen,
Iz oykhet fun der heypekh min?
Makh nit a shande tsu ir shem!
Di malke blaybt a bsule (ahem!).
In bilder em Bard, es vayzt
Er trogt a bord (vi Jesus Christ!).
Oysmekn muz men yetst dem shotn,
Kidey zayn maleness iz forgotten?
Tsum sof, der tezis, let’s admit,
Iz Much Ado About Gornit!