You Have Beards? We Have Beards!

By Arthur Chinscratch

Published March 09, 2011, issue of March 18, 2011.
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LONDON — As excitement mounts for April’s upcoming International Facial Hair Festival in Götterdämmerung, Germany, organizers were delighted to announce a détente between the strong Pan-Muslim team, “Wahhabi Warriors,” and the much-fancied “Israel Right or Wrong” team.

Facing Off Over Facial Hair: “Israel Right or Wrong,” left, will face the “Wahhabi Warriors.”
Facing Off Over Facial Hair: “Israel Right or Wrong,” left, will face the “Wahhabi Warriors.”

Brokered by Billy Gibbons, the lead singer of rock group ZZ Top, the groundbreaking deal will allow members of both teams to compete in all events. Their involvement does not even depend on whether they are in direct competition with each other or with other teams including the “Tye-Dye Communards” against whom both teams launched armed attacks in last year’s competition.

“The only winner is the sport of comparative bearding,” commented Gibbons, “everyone’s crazy about a sharp-dressed imam.”

This agreement also comes as a relief to tournament sponsors, Fuzzworthy’s Grooming Products, as the lucrative television payments for coverage of the marquee “Biblical Beard” and “Name That Fundamentalist” events, are contingent on having an interfaith quorum.

“Yes, we have, in the past, called upon our followers to grind each other into the dust beneath our feet, and yes we have on occasion called each other donkeys and sons of donkeys” grinned the relieved group of ayatollahs and rabbis sipping Gatorade in the green room.

“But at the end of the day we want to dwell on the positives and the things we agree on, like the importance of facial hair, the filthiness of pork, the absurdity of women’s rights and the fact that homosexuality is an abomination that should be wiped from the Earth.”


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