You Have Beards? We Have Beards!

By Arthur Chinscratch

Published March 09, 2011, issue of March 18, 2011.
  • Print
  • Share Share

LONDON — As excitement mounts for April’s upcoming International Facial Hair Festival in Götterdämmerung, Germany, organizers were delighted to announce a détente between the strong Pan-Muslim team, “Wahhabi Warriors,” and the much-fancied “Israel Right or Wrong” team.

Facing Off Over Facial Hair: “Israel Right or Wrong,” left, will face the “Wahhabi Warriors.”
Facing Off Over Facial Hair: “Israel Right or Wrong,” left, will face the “Wahhabi Warriors.”

Brokered by Billy Gibbons, the lead singer of rock group ZZ Top, the groundbreaking deal will allow members of both teams to compete in all events. Their involvement does not even depend on whether they are in direct competition with each other or with other teams including the “Tye-Dye Communards” against whom both teams launched armed attacks in last year’s competition.

“The only winner is the sport of comparative bearding,” commented Gibbons, “everyone’s crazy about a sharp-dressed imam.”

This agreement also comes as a relief to tournament sponsors, Fuzzworthy’s Grooming Products, as the lucrative television payments for coverage of the marquee “Biblical Beard” and “Name That Fundamentalist” events, are contingent on having an interfaith quorum.

“Yes, we have, in the past, called upon our followers to grind each other into the dust beneath our feet, and yes we have on occasion called each other donkeys and sons of donkeys” grinned the relieved group of ayatollahs and rabbis sipping Gatorade in the green room.

“But at the end of the day we want to dwell on the positives and the things we agree on, like the importance of facial hair, the filthiness of pork, the absurdity of women’s rights and the fact that homosexuality is an abomination that should be wiped from the Earth.”


The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.





Find us on Facebook!
  • Ari Folman's new movie 'The Congress' is a brilliant spectacle, an exhilarating visual extravaganza and a slapdash thought experiment. It's also unlike anything Forward critic Ezra Glinter has ever seen. http://jd.fo/d4unE
  • The eggplant is beloved in Israel. So why do Americans keep giving it a bad rap? With this new recipe, Vered Guttman sets out to defend the honor of her favorite vegetable.
  • “KlezKamp has always been a crazy quilt of gay and straight, religious and nonreligious, Jewish and gentile.” Why is the klezmer festival shutting down now?
  • “You can plagiarize the Bible, can’t you?” Jill Sobule says when asked how she went about writing the lyrics for a new 'Yentl' adaptation. “A couple of the songs I completely stole." Share this with the theater-lovers in your life!
  • Will Americans who served in the Israeli army during the Gaza operation face war crimes charges when they get back home?
  • Talk about a fashion faux pas. What was Zara thinking with the concentration camp look?
  • “The Black community was resistant to the Jewish community coming into the neighborhood — at first.” Watch this video about how a group of gardeners is rebuilding trust between African-Americans and Jews in Detroit.
  • "I am a Jewish woman married to a non-Jewish man who was raised Catholic, but now considers himself a “common-law Jew.” We are raising our two young children as Jews. My husband's parents are still semi-practicing Catholics. When we go over to either of their homes, they bow their heads, often hold hands, and say grace before meals. This is an especially awkward time for me, as I'm uncomfortable participating in a non-Jewish religious ritual, but don't want his family to think I'm ungrateful. It's becoming especially vexing to me now that my oldest son is 7. What's the best way to handle this situation?" http://jd.fo/b4ucX What would you do?
  • Maybe he was trying to give her a "schtickle of fluoride"...
  • It's all fun, fun, fun, until her dad takes the T-Bird away for Shabbos.
  • "Like many Jewish people around the world, I observed Shabbat this weekend. I didn’t light candles or recite Hebrew prayers; I didn’t eat challah or matzoh ball soup or brisket. I spent my Shabbat marching for justice for Eric Garner of Staten Island, Michael Brown of Ferguson, and all victims of police brutality."
  • Happy #NationalDogDay! To celebrate, here's a little something from our archives:
  • A Jewish couple was attacked on Monday night in New York City's Upper East Side. According to police, the attackers flew Palestinian flags.
  • "If the only thing viewers knew about the Jews was what they saw on The Simpsons they — and we — would be well served." What's your favorite Simpsons' moment?
  • "One uncle of mine said, 'I came to America after World War II and I hitchhiked.' And Robin said, 'I waited until there was a 747 and a kosher meal.'" Watch Billy Crystal's moving tribute to Robin Williams at last night's #Emmys:
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.