Iran on Verge of Creating Cinema Bomb

Dirty Suitcase Revenge Planned for StuxNet Worm Attack

By Rob Kutner

Published March 09, 2011, issue of March 18, 2011.
  • Print
  • Share Share

Anxiety Up the Ganges: Bollywood fears that Iran may also share technology with Pakistan.
Montage Kurt Hoffman
Anxiety Up the Ganges: Bollywood fears that Iran may also share technology with Pakistan.

LOS ANGELES — It appears that years of unflagging effort, dire warnings and sanctions may all have been for naught. Hollywood insiders are warning that the Islamic Republic of Iran has acquired both the materials and technological wherewithal to launch a motion picture guaranteed to bomb catastrophically worldwide.

High-ranking officials in the motion picture industry are revealing that they are “90% certain” that Iranian agents have infiltrated all the major movie studios, armed with the means to turn any production into a bomb so bankrupt of creative and commercial merit that it could single-handedly devastate Hollywood, wiping out the livelihoods of millions of Jews.

“Hollywood has always been the promised land for Jews who don’t like shul,” said one studio head, who asked not to be named because he didn’t want his Jewish colleagues to know he was Jewish. “The thought that this could all disappear is terrifying.”

It is a chilling scenario. Intelligence analysts have suggested that this may have been what Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was referencing when he warned that Jews could soon suffer a disaster tantamount to a “first Holocaust.”

Israeli officials are said to be terrified of the repercussions.

“Without Los Angeles, where will all our young people move to?” asked Minister of Internal Affairs Eli Yishai.

The movie bomb would be only the latest salvo in the long-running battle between Iran on one side and the alliance of Israel and the U.S. on the other. Last summer, Iran’s attempts to build a nuclear device were crippled by the Israeli-designed StuxNet virus. The virus sent Iran’s nuclear lab into chaos, automatically shutting down key machinery from Friday to Saturday evenings, and causing centrifuge cycles that were designed to last for only one night to continue for eight full nights.

Some Middle East analysts argue that Iran’s planned strike is intended as retaliation for the syndication of “Jersey Shore” on Iranian state television.

Meanwhile, paranoia in Hollywood has increased, as studio executives strain to pinpoint potential moles. These studio executives warn that despite their vigorous efforts to ensure that only the most well-crafted cinematic products make their way into theaters, it is impossible to guarantee that a sub-par movie won’t slip through.

“They’re so elusive,” said Andrew Wernick, a studio executive at Warner Bros. “I thought

for sure that I’d identified a radioactive plant — a romantic comedy-horror-thriller movie about a camp of teenage girls who have to lose their virginity to a lacrosse team of vampires so they can ward off an attack of zombies. But then I found out it was my idea.”

It appears that Iranian agents have penetrated deep within the Hollywood system, infiltrating marketing departments, financing companies and executive suites across town. The CIA reports that Iranians have developed technologies cunningly disguised as ordinary elements of the development process: hackneyed story lines, insistence on casting a producer’s girlfriend, incomprehensible script notes and, of course, sequels.

Although American intelligence agencies say they are actively pursuing leads, movie executives privately acknowledge that the only question now is not if but when the bomb will be released. Some believe the film could be launched as a summer action movie, luring millions of innocent teenage boys through posters showing guns and cleavage. Others maintain it will be a holiday romantic comedy about hectic families and lying white people. A number of knowledgeable insiders point to the upcoming release of “The Green Lantern.”

Some desperate Hollywood players have pleaded with Iran for mercy. “A few of these cinematic bombs could rupture the sacred bond of trust between Hollywood studios and American audiences,” said movie mogul Harvey Weinstein. “Once that trust is ruptured, it may never be recovered.”


The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.





Find us on Facebook!
  • Could Spider-Man be Jewish? Andrew Garfield thinks so.
  • Most tasteless video ever? A new video shows Jesus Christ dying at Auschwitz.
  • "It’s the smell that hits me first — musty, almost sweet, emanating from the green felt that cradles each piece of silver cutlery in its own place." Only one week left to submit! Tell us the story of your family's Jewish heirloom.
  • Mazel tov to Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky!
  • If it's true, it's pretty terrifying news.
  • “My mom went to cook at the White House and all I got was this tiny piece of leftover raspberry ganache."
  • Planning on catching "Fading Gigolo" this weekend? Read our review.
  • A new initiative will spend $300 million a year towards strengthening Israel's relationship with the Diaspora. http://jd.fo/q3Iaj Is this money spent wisely?
  • Lusia Horowitz left pre-state Israel to fight fascism in Spain — and wound up being captured by the Nazis and sent to die at Auschwitz. Share her remarkable story — told in her letters.
  • Vered Guttman doesn't usually get nervous about cooking for 20 people, even for Passover. But last night was a bit different. She was cooking for the Obamas at the White House Seder.
  • A grumpy Jewish grandfather is wary of his granddaughter's celebrating Easter with the in-laws. But the Seesaw says it might just make her appreciate Judaism more. What do you think?
  • “Twist and Shout.” “Under the Boardwalk.” “Brown-Eyed Girl.” What do these great songs have in common? A forgotten Jewish songwriter. We tracked him down.
  • What can we learn from tragedies like the rampage in suburban Kansas City? For one thing, we must keep our eyes on the real threats that we as Jews face.
  • When is a legume not necessarily a legume? Philologos has the answer.
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.