If This Wall Could Talk

By Scott Jacobson

Published July 30, 2008, issue of August 08, 2008.

Last week, the Israeli daily newspaper Ma’ariv printed the text of a prayer note left by Barack Obama at the Western Wall. After much internal debate, the Forward has decided to publish the following. These statements were obtained in a journalistically ethical fashion: We coughed loudly and crammed them into our pockets while we pretended to pray.

John McCain — Lord, please bless me with rock star charisma. And a younger, more handsome body. And a goat-herding Kenyan grandfather. And the approval of Oprah. Also, make me black. Even if it’s a thing like Robert Downey Jr. in that new movie coming out. Please, I’m begging here. Amen.

Reverend Al Sharpton — Psst. Hey, Wall. I’m sort of like you, in that public figures visit me only when they want to make a display of tolerance. Also, people tend to cram paper scraps into my crannies, but I do not encourage this. Let’s get together and talk shop! P.S. I’m not the guy who said “Hymie Town.”

George W. Bush — Dear Jewish ATM machine, I find it real weird I gotta stick a paper into a wall to take out five 20s. Ehud told me I was supposed to stick this in ya and wait awhile. Five 20s, I said. One hundred sheckies. And I want a receipt.

Madonna — Western Wall, namaste and mazel tov. I wish you a blessed day, by the wisdom of my many Kabbalah anklets, my pinkie tefillin and my sacred midriff mezuza. Hot damn, Jewish stuff is cool!

Dick Cheney — Dear Lord, Please grant me the [CLASSIFIED] to [CLASSIFIED] so that I may [CLASSIFIED] and one day rain hellish vengeance on the [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

George W. Bush — Now I see Ehud snickerin’ at me over there. He’s not gonna prank me — I’m the pranker. All right, I’ve got it. Lord, I am in need. Grant me five 20s. And a receipt. Ha! Didn’t see that coming, did you, Olmert?

Titus Caesar, 70 C.E. — Dear Wall, All day I’ve been busy with the slaying and the plundering and the reducing holy sites to rubble. But I’m gonna leave you alone. Know why? Caesar likey your style. Also it’s inexplicably satisfying to stick notes into you. Ciao, babe.



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