The week before Yom Kippur, it is customary for Jews to repent in synagogue for their sins. The Forward has received a copy of former Rep. Anthony Weiner’s personalized prayer list.
Oh Exalted God,
For the sin of Abusing my power,
For the sin of Betraying my constituents,
For the sin of Cruelty to my wife,
For the sin of Denial, even though Tweetin’ ain’t cheatin’.
For all these, O’ God of forgiveness, forgive me, pardon me, grant me atonement.
Lord, I’m not the only one who needs forgiveness:
For the sin of Ensnaring a fellow member of your own Democratic political party,
For the sin of False Modesty, like Nancy Pelosi never committed any ethics violations (her hair, for one),
For the sin of Gossip about me running on TV 24/7 during Kim Kardashian’s wedding planning,
For the sin of Hacking into my Twitter account.
For all these, O’ God of forgiveness, forgive them, pardon them, grant them atonement.
And not to mention…
For the sin of Insulting the youngest and most promising member of Congress,
For the sin of Judging me more harshly than others who played hide-and-seek with cigars, who were impeached but still garner 100K on the lecture circuit,
For the sin of Knifing someone in the back even though he’s the great white hope of the Democratic Party,
For the sin of Lame parodies by my former friends Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. (How far can you take a joke about “my staff”?)
For all these, O’ God of forgiveness, forgive them like Elizabeth Edwards forgave John Edwards, pardon them like Jonathan Pollard, grant them atonement like Senator Larry Craig.
Oh, and lest I forget…
For the sin of Marrying out of my faith, forcing me to flirt with a nice, Jewish blackjack dealer,
For the sin of Not Knowing how to take a cell phone picture from a good angle with proper lighting,
For the sin of Obscuring David Weprin with my greatness so he’d lose the election to Bob Turner,
For the sin of Profaning Your Name (now You know how it feels to be burdened with a bad name),
For the sin of Quitting before the world could know the wonders of the Weiner.
For all these, O’ God of forgiveness, forgive me like you have David Letterman, pardon me like you did Marc Rich, and grant me a cable TV show like you did Eliot Spitzer.
For the sin of Relying on my pussycat to make my photos sexy,
For the sin of Succumbing to confusion between public and private account settings,
For the sin of Twitter. And Texting. And Technology,
For the sin of not being an “Upstanding Member” of Congress,
For all these, O’ God of forgiveness, forgive me like you’re about to forgive DSK, pardon me like the ever unsinkable Mel Gibson, grant me atonement like the public will Charlie Sheen.
For the sin of Vengeful Thoughts against all the media,
For the sin of Wearing my laundry day boxer briefs on a workday,
For the sin of Xeroxing my derriere on the copy machine (please, God, don’t let those photos come out),
For the sin of Yearning to be mayor, president and king of the world,
For the sin of Zealously Guarding my job (I am created in your image and we both know it),
For all these sins, O’ God of Forgiveness, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.
May we all have a Tweet new year!
Amy Klein is a New York-based writer. Her website is KleinsLines.com.