As we remember the year just passed, we realize we’ve already forgotten a lot of it. Just like that guy in the debates who couldn’t remember the three departments he wanted to get rid of. (What was his name again?)
(And what was that department he forgot?)
(And what did that guy who spent all his casino money on the election call his Newt PAC before it became his Romney PAC?)
Let’s just jump right in. Below, we jumble the Jewish facts just a little more…
1. Sheldon Adelson gave $20 million to the super PAC backing Newt Gingrich. What was its name?
A) Winning Our Future
B) Losing Our Marbles
C) Impaling Our Pollsters
2. After finally pumping a reported $150 million into super PACS to back candidates, almost all of whom lost, Adelson told the press:
A) “I don’t cry when I lose.”
B) “I don’t scream when I stick my hand in the toaster.”
C) “You guys really thought I’m a Republican?”
3. After Facebook lost about 50% of its $100 billion initial public offering value, Mark Zuckerberg said to investors:
A) “On the other hand, that’s still a lot of hoodies.”
B) “It’s not like this is the first up and down that we’ve ever had.”
C) “At least I’m not Sheldon Adelson.”
4. In May, 40,000 ultra-Orthodox men gathered in Citi Field to denounce:
A) Manischewitz’s new jalapeno matzo ball mix
B) The role of the Internet in modern society
C) Mayor Bloomberg banning 32-ounce servings of borscht
5. Aly Raisman, the American Olympic gymnast, stunned the crowd in London this past summer by performing her floor routine to which classic Jewish song?
A) “ Hava Nagila”
B)” The Hanukkah Song” (Adam Sandler version)
C) “ Kol Nidre”
6. The people pushing to outlaw circumcision call themselves:
C) Tip hoarders
7. Aw, heck, here are a few more:
E) Tops for Tots
F) Pole Watchers
8. A Post-it note on Philip Roth’s computer reads:
A) “Password: NOBEL”
B) “The struggle with writing is over.”
C) “Don’t eat the liver!”
9. In November, the United Nations endorsed an upgrade in status for the Palestinian Authority to “non-member observer entity” from
A) “Non-member observer state”
B) “New member, non-state observer”
C) “Non-observer state, new member once removed”
10. Young Israelis are getting creepy tattoos of:
A) Bar mitzvah boys in drag
B The Chinese symbols for “strength” and “charoset”
C) Their grandparents’ Holocaust numbers
11. The Museum of Jewish Heritage opened an exhibit dedicated to which Jewish tradition?
A) Retaking the SATs
B) Recording yet another version of “Hava Nagila”
C) Using federation greeting cards without sending in a donation
12. The White House refused Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s request to meet Obama in New York during the U.N. General Assembly, explaining:
A) “The president’s schedule will not permit that.”
B) “He’d love to, but his plane is in the shop.”
C) “Regrettably, that’s the day the cable guy is coming.”
13. A woman was arrested at the Western Wall for the crime of:
A) Peddling pork tamales with a counterfeit hekhsher
B) Flashing a security guard and demanding Mardi Gras beads in return
C) Saying the Sh’ma and wearing a tallit
14. Barbra Streisand is starring in a new movie titled:
A) “Guilt Trip”
B) “Yentl Breakdown”
C) “What’s Up With My Cholesterol, Doc?”
15. What surprising gift was featured on CNN’s blog this year?
A) The Nice Jewish Guys Pin-Up Calendar
B) Fuzzy Tefillin for car mirrors
C) Spelt Gelt: The Vegan Al- ternative to Milk Chocolate Coins
16. Which of the following was an actual Anti-Defamation League headline this year?
A) U.S. Jewish Community on Alert as Year Begins, Ends With Anti-Semitism
B) U.S. Jews Worry as Anti-Semites Become More Anti-Semitic
C) Foxman Unveils “Anti-Seismograph” — Able to Detect Anti-Semitic Tremors 300 Feet Below Sea Level
17. What didn’t Sarah Silverman do this year?
A) Offer to have “traditional lesbian sex” with Sheldon Adelson if he gave $100 million to Obama instead of to Mitt Romney
B) Challenge Rahm Emmanuel to mud wrestle on pay per view, with the profits going to the YIVO Institute for Jewish Research
C) Perform a surprise strip tease to “Oyfn Pripetshik” at a gala for the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee
18. Which of these did not happen to “Big Bang Theory” regular/attachment parenting advocate Mayim Bialik this year?
A) Was asked by Barbara Walters which room of her house she has sex in
B) Appeared on the cover of Time magazine breastfeeding her new book
C) Almost had her thumb severed by a busload of Chilean tourists
19. Kyra Sedgwick starred in a Hollywood film about what ancient Jewish horror?
A) Undercooked kiskhe
B) Not getting into her safety school
C) Possession by a dybbuk
20. Which book won the Jewish Book of the Year award this year?
A) “Jerusalem: The Biography”
B) “Five Towns: Don’t Ask”
C) “Hitler: Oy!”
KEY: 1 – A, 2 –A, 3 – B, 4 – B, 5 –A, 6 – A, 7 – Still A, 8 – B, 9 –A, 10 – C, 11 – B, 12 – A, 13- C, 14 – A, 15 – A, 16 – A, 17 – A, 18 – B, 19 – C, 20 – A.