God Shifts to Pay-Per-Miracle Service

Ubiquity Sells, But Omnipotence Is No Business Plan


By Ian Fist

Published February 22, 2013.
  • Print
  • Share Share

The Backward is the Forward’s annual satirical Purim edition. Enjoy!

Taking a cue from on-demand digital streaming services like Hulu and Spotify, God announced today that He would no longer be everywhere all the time, and would focus on a pay-per-miracle model for distributing His compassion.

“In today’s crowded religious landscape, it simply makes sense,” said the Almighty. “Consumers aren’t interested in praying for services they don’t use. This way people can receive My targeted attention without exorbitant devotional fees. It’s a win-win.”

In the wake of the divine pronouncement, tech leaders said that they were in advanced negotiations with celestial content providers. Hulu confirmed it is exploring a premium Kabbalah service, while Amazon Instant Video said it is in talks with a number of demiurges.

The shift in the divine benevolence model comes after an earlier experiment with ad-supported holiness, in which worshippers seeking His mercy first had to watch a 30-second commercial for 5-hour ENERGY. The Lord quickly abandoned the idea as unsustainable, noting that too many adherents were circumventing the ads and instead pirating their blessings from illegal torrent sites such as The Mitzvah Bay.

Reaction from worshippers has been generally favorable, though not all miracles will be immediately available through the streaming service, most notably professional sports victories. “I wish I could, but My hands are tied. The NFL has those contracts locked up tight,” said the Eternal One, adding that He hoped to eventually expand His network to include not only sports, but original content as well.

“It’s been so long since I created, and I’d love to take a run at something groundbreaking,” he said, quickly adding, “I don’t mean earthquakes per se. Just something like what Netflix is doing with ‘House of Cards.’ Have you seen ‘House of Cards’? Oh, man, it is so good.”


The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.





Find us on Facebook!
  • Israeli soldiers want you to buy them socks. And snacks. And backpacks. And underwear. And pizza. So claim dozens of fundraising campaigns launched by American Jewish and Israeli charities since the start of the current wave of crisis and conflict in Israel and Gaza.
  • The sign reads: “Dogs are allowed in this establishment but Zionists are not under any circumstances.”
  • Is Twitter Israel's new worst enemy?
  • More than 50 former Israeli soldiers have refused to serve in the current ground operation in #Gaza.
  • "My wife and I are both half-Jewish. Both of us very much felt and feel American first and Jewish second. We are currently debating whether we should send our daughter to a Jewish pre-K and kindergarten program or to a public one. Pros? Give her a Jewish community and identity that she could build on throughout her life. Cons? Costs a lot of money; She will enter school with the idea that being Jewish makes her different somehow instead of something that you do after or in addition to regular school. Maybe a Shabbat sing-along would be enough?"
  • Undeterred by the conflict, 24 Jews participated in the first ever Jewish National Fund— JDate singles trip to Israel. Translation: Jews age 30 to 45 travelled to Israel to get it on in the sun, with a side of hummus.
  • "It pains and shocks me to say this, but here goes: My father was right all along. He always told me, as I spouted liberal talking points at the Shabbos table and challenged his hawkish views on Israel and the Palestinians to his unending chagrin, that I would one day change my tune." Have you had a similar experience?
  • "'What’s this, mommy?' she asked, while pulling at the purple sleeve to unwrap this mysterious little gift mom keeps hidden in the inside pocket of her bag. Oh boy, how do I answer?"
  • "I fear that we are witnessing the end of politics in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I see no possibility for resolution right now. I look into the future and see only a void." What do you think?
  • Not a gazillionaire? Take the "poor door."
  • "We will do what we must to protect our people. We have that right. We are not less deserving of life and quiet than anyone else. No more apologies."
  • "Woody Allen should have quit while he was ahead." Ezra Glinter's review of "Magic in the Moonlight": http://jd.fo/f4Q1Q
  • Jon Stewart responds to his critics: “Look, obviously there are many strong opinions on this. But just merely mentioning Israel or questioning in any way the effectiveness or humanity of Israel’s policies is not the same thing as being pro-Hamas.”
  • "My bat mitzvah party took place in our living room. There were only a few Jewish kids there, and only one from my Sunday school class. She sat in the corner, wearing the right clothes, asking her mom when they could go." The latest in our Promised Lands series — what state should we visit next?
  • Former Israeli National Security Advisor Yaakov Amidror: “A cease-fire will mean that anytime Hamas wants to fight it can. Occupation of Gaza will bring longer-term quiet, but the price will be very high.” What do you think?
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.