Masturbation Could Force You To Fast For 11 Years — But Murder Is Cheap

Tuvia Tenenbom Learns The Price of Sin in the Holy Land

Casting the First Stone: Author Tuvia Tenenbom on assignment for his next book, tentatively titled “Alone Among Jews.”
Isi Tenenbom
Casting the First Stone: Author Tuvia Tenenbom on assignment for his next book, tentatively titled “Alone Among Jews.”

By Tuvia Tenenbom

Published October 07, 2013, issue of October 11, 2013.
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As the world busies itself with the dead people of Syria, I walk the streets of holy Jerusalem in search of truth and wisdom, hoping to find a solution to this horrible situation that I could share with the leaders of the goyishe velt, and maybe prevent the unnecessary death and destruction that is taking place a scant few kilometers away.

As I walk humbly about the ancient streets, surrounded by the most righteous living and dead rabbis, I notice many advertisements on the walls announcing that a famous mystic, Rabbi David Batzri, will be “repairing sins” this very day.

Maybe, I say to myself, I could save the world of its sorrows by learning how to repair sins from the righteous Rabbi Batzri, the head of Yeshivat Shalom, the yeshiva for mystics in Jerusalem.

And so, I walk to the Yeshiva.

Rabbi Batzri is not in attendance when I enter, but other rabbis are, including his son.

Aside from rabbis, people are sitting at tables, reading aloud mystical texts, which include a brochure prepared by Rabbi Batzri. The sacred texts, as I should have expected, contain highly classified mystical information. For example: If you spilled your seed, even once in your life, you will be sent to burn in hell for the rest of eternity.

This is awful news, I feel, but soon enough Rabbi Batzri enters and makes us feel better. God is merciful, he and other rabbis sitting next to him tell us, and He doesn’t really want His Chosen People to suffer eternal hell after all. Instead, as a result of His merciful nature, the various rabbis let us know, God is offering a solution to the seed spiller: a 420-day fast that will cause the sin of spillage to be erased and forgiven.

Rabbi Batzri is distributing to all attending sinners a printed sheet of the exact number of fast days that are required to erase various sins.

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