Now Hiring: The Supreme Court

By Catie Lazarus

Published January 13, 2006, issue of January 13, 2006.
  • Print
  • Share Share

ERIN “BLISS” SHARP-SHEMPSKY

www.bliss.com

431.427.6669 (mobile)

ATTN: The Honorable John Roberts, Chief Justice, J.D.

The United States Supreme Court

c/o Human Resources

P.O. Box 732.5, Washington, D.C.

January 9, 2006

To Whom It May Concern:

Please consider me for your recent opening in the United States Supreme Court Justice unit as a judger. I know you are in the midst of interviewing candidates, but I am your go-2-girl! As an up-and-coming performance artist/blogger/yogi (read: temporary assistant), my goal is to enhance democracy and boost your viewer C-SPAN ratings, as VH1 called me “geniusesque.”

Like the sitting group of judges, I am highly judgmental. Unlike your present candidate, I am on an austerity budget and therefore do not have any dubious investments in Vanguard. The jury is out on whether other candidates are like me, and know sign language and volunteer every 17th Sunday teaching Somalian refugees cursive. Despite my success, I struggle with Child-of-Adult-Children Syndrome (COACS) and lost my second husband, Sam Sharp, to a rare case of Rodentflu. I have lobbied Congress for early detection, particularly for Ashkenazic albinos whom rats are 37% more likely to confuse with cheddar cheese.

Since I am not a partisan candidate, El Presidente will not have a “first look” Hollywood-type deal; but all three branches can download my opinions from iTunes for 99 cents each. For the record, I am not pro-death. As of now, I do not swing; however, after seeing Audrey Tautou on screen, I am willing to bat for both teams.

As I am in the midst of a tech rehearsal (producing/writing/starring and understudying my one-woman spoken-word poetry slam, “Saddam X”), could we do a phone interview? If not, can the committee provide a table where I can sign my legacy, “Courting a Crook,” my self-help novel for women addicted to danger, and sell my “It’s Criminal” lingerie line? Enclosed please find my report cards (K-12), CPR certification, and media kit with testimonials, headshot, et al.

Sincerely,

Bliss E SS

“I Judge, Therefore I Am” — Swami Cheryl Teag






Find us on Facebook!
  • "If you want my advice: more Palestinians, more checkpoints, just more reality." What do you think?
  • Happy birthday Barbra Streisand! Our favorite Funny Girl turns 72 today.
  • Clueless parenting advice from the star of "Clueless."
  • Why won't the city give an answer?
  • BREAKING NEWS: Israel has officially suspended peace talks with the Palestinians.
  • Can you guess what the most boring job in the army is?
  • What the foolish rabbi of Chelm teaches us about Israel and the Palestinian unity deal:
  • Mazel tov to Idina Menzel on making Variety "Power of Women" cover! http://jd.fo/f3Mms
  • "How much should I expect him and/or ask him to participate? Is it enough to have one parent reciting the prayers and observing the holidays?" What do you think?
  • New York and Montreal have been at odds for far too long. Stop the bagel wars, sign our bagel peace treaty!
  • Really, can you blame them?
  • “How I Stopped Hating Women of the Wall and Started Talking to My Mother.” Will you see it?
  • Taglit-Birthright Israel is redefining who they consider "Jewish" after a 17% drop in registration from 2011-2013. Is the "propaganda tag" keeping young people away?
  • Happy birthday William Shakespeare! Turns out, the Bard knew quite a bit about Jews.
  • Would you get to know racists on a first-name basis if you thought it might help you prevent them from going on rampages, like the recent shooting in Kansas City?
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.