ERIN “BLISS” SHARP-SHEMPSKY
ATTN: The Honorable John Roberts, Chief Justice, J.D.
The United States Supreme Court
c/o Human Resources
P.O. Box 732.5, Washington, D.C.
January 9, 2006
To Whom It May Concern:
Please consider me for your recent opening in the United States Supreme Court Justice unit as a judger. I know you are in the midst of interviewing candidates, but I am your go-2-girl! As an up-and-coming performance artist/blogger/yogi (read: temporary assistant), my goal is to enhance democracy and boost your viewer C-SPAN ratings, as VH1 called me “geniusesque.”
Like the sitting group of judges, I am highly judgmental. Unlike your present candidate, I am on an austerity budget and therefore do not have any dubious investments in Vanguard. The jury is out on whether other candidates are like me, and know sign language and volunteer every 17th Sunday teaching Somalian refugees cursive. Despite my success, I struggle with Child-of-Adult-Children Syndrome (COACS) and lost my second husband, Sam Sharp, to a rare case of Rodentflu. I have lobbied Congress for early detection, particularly for Ashkenazic albinos whom rats are 37% more likely to confuse with cheddar cheese.
Since I am not a partisan candidate, El Presidente will not have a “first look” Hollywood-type deal; but all three branches can download my opinions from iTunes for 99 cents each. For the record, I am not pro-death. As of now, I do not swing; however, after seeing Audrey Tautou on screen, I am willing to bat for both teams.
As I am in the midst of a tech rehearsal (producing/writing/starring and understudying my one-woman spoken-word poetry slam, “Saddam X”), could we do a phone interview? If not, can the committee provide a table where I can sign my legacy, “Courting a Crook,” my self-help novel for women addicted to danger, and sell my “It’s Criminal” lingerie line? Enclosed please find my report cards (K-12), CPR certification, and media kit with testimonials, headshot, et al.
Bliss E SS
“I Judge, Therefore I Am” — Swami Cheryl Teag