Now Hiring: The Supreme Court

By Catie Lazarus

Published January 13, 2006, issue of January 13, 2006.
  • Print
  • Share Share

ERIN “BLISS” SHARP-SHEMPSKY

www.bliss.com

431.427.6669 (mobile)

ATTN: The Honorable John Roberts, Chief Justice, J.D.

The United States Supreme Court

c/o Human Resources

P.O. Box 732.5, Washington, D.C.

January 9, 2006

To Whom It May Concern:

Please consider me for your recent opening in the United States Supreme Court Justice unit as a judger. I know you are in the midst of interviewing candidates, but I am your go-2-girl! As an up-and-coming performance artist/blogger/yogi (read: temporary assistant), my goal is to enhance democracy and boost your viewer C-SPAN ratings, as VH1 called me “geniusesque.”

Like the sitting group of judges, I am highly judgmental. Unlike your present candidate, I am on an austerity budget and therefore do not have any dubious investments in Vanguard. The jury is out on whether other candidates are like me, and know sign language and volunteer every 17th Sunday teaching Somalian refugees cursive. Despite my success, I struggle with Child-of-Adult-Children Syndrome (COACS) and lost my second husband, Sam Sharp, to a rare case of Rodentflu. I have lobbied Congress for early detection, particularly for Ashkenazic albinos whom rats are 37% more likely to confuse with cheddar cheese.

Since I am not a partisan candidate, El Presidente will not have a “first look” Hollywood-type deal; but all three branches can download my opinions from iTunes for 99 cents each. For the record, I am not pro-death. As of now, I do not swing; however, after seeing Audrey Tautou on screen, I am willing to bat for both teams.

As I am in the midst of a tech rehearsal (producing/writing/starring and understudying my one-woman spoken-word poetry slam, “Saddam X”), could we do a phone interview? If not, can the committee provide a table where I can sign my legacy, “Courting a Crook,” my self-help novel for women addicted to danger, and sell my “It’s Criminal” lingerie line? Enclosed please find my report cards (K-12), CPR certification, and media kit with testimonials, headshot, et al.

Sincerely,

Bliss E SS

“I Judge, Therefore I Am” — Swami Cheryl Teag






Find us on Facebook!
  • “This is a dangerous region, even for people who don’t live there and say, merely express the mildest of concern about the humanitarian tragedy of civilians who have nothing to do with the warring factions, only to catch a rash of *** (bleeped) from everyone who went to your bar mitzvah! Statute of limitations! Look, a $50 savings bond does not buy you a lifetime of criticism.”
  • That sound you hear? That's your childhood going up in smoke.
  • "My husband has been offered a terrific new job in a decent-sized Midwestern city. This is mostly great, except for the fact that we will have to leave our beloved NYC, where one can feel Jewish without trying very hard. He is half-Jewish and was raised with a fair amount of Judaism and respect for our tradition though ultimately he doesn’t feel Jewish in that Larry David sort of way like I do. So, he thinks I am nuts for hesitating to move to this new essentially Jew-less city. Oh, did I mention I am pregnant? Seesaw, this concern of mine is real, right? There is something to being surrounded by Jews, no? What should we do?"
  • "Orwell described the cliches of politics as 'packets of aspirin ready at the elbow.' Israel's 'right to defense' is a harder narcotic."
  • From Gene Simmons to Pink — Meet the Jews who rock:
  • The images, which have since been deleted, were captioned: “Israel is the last frontier of the free world."
  • As J Street backs Israel's operation in Gaza, does it risk losing grassroots support?
  • What Thomas Aquinas might say about #Hamas' tunnels:
  • The Jewish bachelorette has spoken.
  • "When it comes to Brenda Turtle, I ask you: What do you expect of a woman repressed all her life who suddenly finds herself free to explore? We can sit and pass judgment, especially when many of us just simply “got over” own sexual repression. But we are obliged to at least acknowledge that this problem is very, very real, and that complete gender segregation breeds sexual repression and unhealthy attitudes toward female sexuality."
  • "Everybody is proud of the resistance. No matter how many people, including myself, disapprove of or even hate Hamas and its ideology, every single person in Gaza is proud of the resistance." Part 2 of Walid Abuzaid's on-the-ground account of life in #Gaza:
  • After years in storage, Toronto’s iconic red-and-white "Sam the Record Man" sign, complete with spinning discs, will return to public view near its original downtown perch. The sign came to symbolize one of Canada’s most storied and successful Jewish family businesses.
  • Is $4,000 too much to ask for a non-member to be buried in a synagogue cemetery?
  • "Let’s not fall into the simplistic us/them dichotomy of 'we were just minding our business when they started firing rockets at us.' We were not just minding our business. We were building settlements, manning checkpoints, and filling jails." What do you think?
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.