Tiger Mom, Why Not Raise a Little Mensch?

My Alternative to Amy Chua's Tips for Success

Tiger Mom: Amy Chua offers some insights as to why some cultural groups, like Jews, succeed while others don’t.
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Tiger Mom: Amy Chua offers some insights as to why some cultural groups, like Jews, succeed while others don’t.

By Elissa Strauss

Published February 11, 2014, issue of February 21, 2014.
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In their Triple Package, Chua and Rubenfeld call for impulse control, insecurity and superiority. In my “Mensch Metric” I’m calling for compassion, self-scrutiny and community.

In his book “How to Be a Mentsh (and Not a Shmuck),” author Michael Wex explains how the main difference between the mensch and the shmuck is selfishness and arrogance. Mensches are compassionate and righteous, and shmucks, well not so much. He presents Jewish culture as one that doesn’t trade so much in notions of good and evil, but instead on our ability to empathize with others.

Like Chua and Rubenfeld, he points out the importance of controlling our desires, though not because they might get in the way of AP chemistry. Instead, it is because as people become more and more accustomed to self-indulgence they will become less and less aware of the ways in which they are harming or shaming others. Talmudic Rabbi Ben Zoma defined strength as the ability to conquer one’s impulsive natures. The reason? To make sure we aware of our actions and their potential repercussions.

There is also a level of self-scrutiny to being a mensch, which is distinct from the Chua and Rubenfeld endorsed insecurity. One can be self-aware, even self-critical, without assuming they are better or worse than others. Self-scrutiny can occur without seeing the world as a hierarchy of winners and losers in which you are clawing to get ahead. Rabbi Hillel’s famous one-footed summary of the Torah — “What is hateful to you, don’t do to your neighbor” — is just this, an exercise in self-awareness.

Lastly, the matter of superiority, or, for us Jews, “chosenness.” It’s a tricky concept, one many of us don’t take literally. And yet still, when we hear it at the Passover table the word rings in our ears. We’re pretty sure it’s not true, but there is something in it that compels us to come back, year after year.

“Chosenness” is hard to defend, but its natural byproduct, a strong community, is not. We work hard to share our stories and customs, rituals and traditions with our children with the hope that these things will bind them to that half-mythic, half very real entity we call the Jewish people. Success, for many Jewish parents, is seeing our people, our ways, carried on.

Why do we do this? Because let’s say our kid is a Chua and Rubenfeld dream come true. They are just insecure/superior/self-contained enough to find themselves clerking for the Supreme Court or breaking news for The New York Times at age 25. And then something bad happens. Anything. It can and it does.

There is so much we can’t control, and with ongoing economic insecurity for a rising number of Americans this is more the case than ever. “Everything has a season…a time to seek and a time to lose” or so says Ecclesiastes. Chua and Rubenfeld want to raise a winner and I want to raise someone who has somewhere to go when he or she loses.

Elissa Strauss is a contributing editor to the Forward.


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