Chaldeans Apologize, Urge Jews To Return and Offer Citizenship

Destruction of Temple Was Just Big 'Misunderstanding'

Come Back Home: Like Spain, the Chaldean empire seeks to make amends for its ancient crimes against the Jews.
wikipedia
Come Back Home: Like Spain, the Chaldean empire seeks to make amends for its ancient crimes against the Jews.

By Joanie Weiss

Published March 14, 2014, issue of March 14, 2014.
  • Print
  • Share Share

In what may be the comeback surprise of the year, the Chaldean Empire has returned to the world stage after 2,500 years, and it comes bearing apologies, and citizenship offers, to the Jews.

“On behalf of all Chaldeans everywhere, I’d like to formally apologize to the Jews for sending forth their ancestor Abraham and for the destruction of Solomon’s Temple if that was us,” said Emperor Nabopolassar II, formerly Costas Sidiqqui. “We are eager to welcome back Jews, as well as Hittites and Medes, as full citizens to rebuild a better Chaldea.”

Though it originated in the alluvial plain separating the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers and, at its peak, expanded to cover much of the Middle East, the current Chaldean Empire is currently limited to a storefront in a Queens Village shopping plaza, half of which is devoted to travel insurance and DVD rentals. However, Nabopolassar II has great plans for expansion.

“With the situation so chaotic and violent in places like Iraq and Syria, I think people are nostalgic for the golden age of the 6th century BCE,” Nabopolassar II said on a recent sleepy Thursday morning in his shop.

Nabopolassar II claims that he is a direct descendant on his father’s side from the Chaldean royal line dating back to Nebuchadnezzar, although he admitted that he has, to date, gotten no further than an unsuccessful search for his paternal grandfather’s birth certificate. His mother is Greek-American.

Though there is not yet a physical Chaldean homeland, Nabopolassar II argues that citizenship still offers great benefits, including a link to the cradle of civilization, kinship with the builders who created the Hanging Garden of Babylon and a two-for-one discount on all DVD rentals every Friday.

In contrast to the biblical prophet Habakkuk’s description of the Chaldeans as “a bitter and swift nation,” Nabopolassar II says that the process of restoring the Chaldea of yesteryear will be deliberate and grounded in outreach.

“We want to build an inclusive Euphrates United region and to that end we invite not just Hebrews, but native speakers of proto-Sumerian, fluent cuneiform scribes, any descendants of attempted human sacrifice and men with the Hittite haplotype to come back and help us rebuild the region,” Nabopolassar II said, before excusing himself to answer a customer enquiring as to whether there was reimbursement for a flight missed due to illness. (No.)

Nabopolassar II added that he was hoping that Jews could be helpful in securing much-needed political support and aid from the both the E.U. and America.

Joanie Weiss is the author of the hit e-book “Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Plaice: Fishy Tales” and a co-writer of the Nickelodeon series “Running With Scissors (and a Plastic Bag on My Head).”


The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.





Find us on Facebook!
  • "Woody Allen should have quit while he was ahead." Ezra Glinter's review of "Magic in the Moonlight": http://jd.fo/f4Q1Q
  • Jon Stewart responds to his critics: “Look, obviously there are many strong opinions on this. But just merely mentioning Israel or questioning in any way the effectiveness or humanity of Israel’s policies is not the same thing as being pro-Hamas.”
  • "My bat mitzvah party took place in our living room. There were only a few Jewish kids there, and only one from my Sunday school class. She sat in the corner, wearing the right clothes, asking her mom when they could go." The latest in our Promised Lands series — what state should we visit next?
  • Former Israeli National Security Advisor Yaakov Amidror: “A cease-fire will mean that anytime Hamas wants to fight it can. Occupation of Gaza will bring longer-term quiet, but the price will be very high.” What do you think?
  • Should couples sign a pre-pregnancy contract, outlining how caring for the infant will be equally divided between the two parties involved? Just think of it as a ketubah for expectant parents:
  • Many #Israelis can't make it to bomb shelters in time. One of them is Amos Oz.
  • According to Israeli professor Mordechai Kedar, “the only thing that can deter terrorists, like those who kidnapped the children and killed them, is the knowledge that their sister or their mother will be raped."
  • Why does ultra-Orthodox group Agudath Israel of America receive its largest donation from the majority owners of Walmart? Find out here: http://jd.fo/q4XfI
  • Woody Allen on the situation in #Gaza: It's “a terrible, tragic thing. Innocent lives are lost left and right, and it’s a horrible situation that eventually has to right itself.”
  • "Mark your calendars: It was on Sunday, July 20, that the momentum turned against Israel." J.J. Goldberg's latest analysis on Israel's ground operation in Gaza:
  • What do you think?
  • "To everyone who is reading this article and saying, “Yes, but… Hamas,” I would ask you to just stop with the “buts.” Take a single moment and allow yourself to feel this tremendous loss. Lay down your arms and grieve for the children of Gaza."
  • Professor Dan Markel, 41 years old, was found shot and killed in his Tallahassee home on Friday. Jay Michaelson can't explain the death, just grieve for it.
  • Employees complained that the food they received to end the daily fast during the holy month of Ramadan was not enough (no non-kosher food is allowed in the plant). The next day, they were dismissed.
  • Why are peace activists getting beat up in Tel Aviv? http://jd.fo/s4YsG
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.