A Megillah Free From Temptation


By Frim Gold-digger

Published March 09, 2014.

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Gentlemen, have you ever found yourself turned on by promiscuous images of Queen Esther on Purim night? Or, perhaps, Queen Vashti before she grew a tail and refused to chow down on Accutane? Now, with “Kosher Megillah,” you will no longer need to position your scroll to conceal your growing bulge.

In an unprecedented act of unity, leading rebbes from Satmar, Gur, Bobov, Bobover and Boboverest sects have spent a year learning every salacious part of the megillah in order to cut out the smut. The 36 gaonim, known as the Va’ad HaFervent, went out of their way to experience every form of lascivious torment over the course of 12 months — so that you can be spared it.

You will all remember how last year Rabbi Entitledbaum railed against the ancient text and the many seeds spilled over it:

“My Tatte (father) zichrone livroche would never have agreed to reading from the megillah with names of women. This pirtzeh (breach of modesty), which causes men to sin, has been diagnosed as the cancer of our time.”

Now, this year save yourself from the cancer and read all about how Mordechai the Jew saved his people from Ahasuerus free from all fear of temptation. And, thanks to the Va’ad HaFervent’s edits, the new slim scroll means you can even get to the vodka in record quick time.

The “Kosher Megillah”: now available at any good mikveh or at Amazon.com. Comes with free chador.



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