I have a theory that, if one could prove definitively that the ACA repeal would hurt puppies, the Republicans would give up their efforts immediately. There’s no point in trying to pass legislation that hurts dogs — the American people would never stand for it.
Americans care about dogs more than they care about other people, and that’s why the latest news about Lena Dunham’s former rescue dog, Lamby, is so deeply disturbing.
In June, Dunham spoke frankly about her decision to give up her beloved mongrel, Lamby. She attributed the decision to “four years of challenging behavior and aggression that could not be treated with training or medication or consistent loving dog ownership” and called it “heartbreaking.”
But now, because nothing can just be easy in the life of a celeb, a spokesperson for the shelter from whence she adopted the pup is claiming differently.
Robert Vazquez of BARC Shelter in Brooklyn told Yahoo in an email, “When she adopted the dog from us, it wasn’t crazy. I have pictures of the dog loving on Lena and her mom, which is weird if the dog was abused. It wouldn’t be cuddling with her or be in the bed with her ‘boyfriend’ in the pages of Vogue.”
Vazquez also disputed Lena’s claims that Lamby had been raised in an abusive household, saying that the dog’s paperwork states that he had been given up because his previous owner didn’t have enough time.
A classic case of he said-she said, to be sure, but it seems unlikely that Dunham would have lied about having been bitten multiple times by Lamby. The star went so far as to provide graphic proof of her bloody injuries, via an Instagram post that I’ll refrain from sharing here. Is it possible that Dunham simply assumed that Lamby had come from an abusive home because of how often he liked to bite her? After all, dogs don’t hurt people. People who abuse dogs who then hurt people hurt people.
In the end, I suppose what’s important is that Lamby has a safe, loving home and a dependable health insurance plan.
Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter, @arr_scott
Nickelodeon’s secret recipe for the slime that taught you that humiliation is funny when it’s happening to someone else is officially a secret no more.
The former host of “Double Dare”, the show that urged children to partake in dangerous stunts in exchange for money and praise, blabbed Nickelodeon’s secret to the world in an interview with Tech Insider.
“There’s all these recipes online that have nothing to do with what we used as real slime,” said Marc Summers. “It started off with vanilla pudding, apple sauce, green food coloring and a little oatmeal.”
If having the kids around the house is exhausting you this summer, give yourself a little break and whip up some of this authentic Nickelodeon slime. They’ll be busy using it to humiliate the neighbor children for hours.
Without a doubt, the most important New York Post story of 2016 was that of Ari Nagel, the good Samaritan who made headlines for spreading his seed most anywhere it was needed. And now, in a sequel to his New York City beginnings, the jaunty upstart Nagel and his inexhaustible sperm make a visit to Israel to deliver the necessary baby-making ingredients to an Israeli woman in need.
It’s like a fairy tale without the love or romance.
Nagel, who is a professor at CUNY, took time out of his trip to speak frankly, as he does, to the Times of Israel about the trials and tribulations of being a full-time, unpaid sperm donor.
“If an older woman and a younger woman are ovulating on the same day, do I help the older one, who may not be as fertile but this may be her last chance?” Nagel said of the ethical concerns inherent of his position. “Or do I help the younger woman, who has a better chance of conceiving?”
Mightily impressive, indeed, that Nagel receives so many messages each day that he simply cannot decide which woman will be the proud recipient of his finite ejaculate.
While Nagel swears his only motivation is to give aspiring mothers the push they need to succeed, he concedes that the perks of the job, such as getting flown around the world to the homes of his various donor recipients, aren’t bad.
But all fairy tales have a villain and, in Nagel’s case she exists in the form of the five women who have sued him for child support. Nagel says he does not sign official contracts in most cases, a mistake all you sperm donor hopefuls out there should learn from.
Pretty amazing how the heroes of our favorite stories keep doing their thing long after the media blitz has faded away. Keep on keeping on, Ari.
Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter, @arr_scott
It’s International Kissing Day, and before you can say “that’s not a real holiday” remember that you belong to a religion that celebrates what amounts to a weekly holiday, a monthly holiday, and over a dozen annual holidays, including holidays that basically exist to keep track of other holidays (hi, Lag Ba’omer).
In honor of this day, we have compiled a hall of fame of the greatest and weirdest Jewish kisses in TV and movie history.
Happy July 6th! Time to make like someone passing a mezuzah and feel obligated to kiss.
This kiss is outstanding. It has everything: hair swirling, bicep flexing, correct arm placement, and an optimal mouth-to-mouth ratio. Merely watching a GIF of this kiss will derail your day and ruin you for modern dating.
I wish I knew how to quit spending hours watching Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger kiss. This scene helped bring passionate gay kissing to mainstream culture; it also helped bring knocking off someone’s cowboy hat right before you kiss them into mainstream kissing culture, I very much hope.
Best Kiss From Two Heroes Who Are In A Hurry But Still Want To Kiss
Type of Kiss: When you’ve been chosen as a test subject for carbonite freezing by a Sith Lord but you still want to touch your mouth to someone else’s.
Jew(s): Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford (ish)
This literally steamy (due to the carbonite) kiss includes many wonderful touches: the gentle stream of sweat running down Han’s face, the contrasting collar styles, and tremendous nose work.
Type of Kiss: When you are basically forced to kiss Cary Grant or else the Nazis will win
Jew(s): Controversially, Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman both considered themselves to be Jewish
This intensely competitive category ultimately came down to the fact that the woman kissing Cary Grant demonstrates that she is really enjoying herself.
Type of Kiss: The first interracial kiss in television history
Jew(s): William Shatner
The good news: not only is this history’s first televised interracial kiss, not only does it involve tribe-member William Shatner, not only did he refuse to shoot a second version of the scene where he and Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) don’t kiss to placate conservative viewers, BUT ALSO Leonard Nimoy and Shatner actually fought over the chance to do the kiss. According to Nimoy, Shatner saw him and Nichols practicing the scene and said, “Whoah whoah whoah, if anybody is going to get to kiss Lieutenant Uhura it’s gonna be me.” Two nice Jewish boys fighting over making history: that’s steamy.
The bad news: In this scene both characters are under mind control and are kissing against their will, which is never, ever how a kiss should be.
Kissing Hall of Shame
Much like pizza, kissing is good, even when it’s bad. Except that, unlike pizza, it involves saliva and it’s also not always good. Here are our choices for Jews who disgraced themselves and their people by kissing:
Kissing is not a joke, especially not for Spider-Man, who is responsible for upholding a venerable tradition of upside-down kisses. Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone were just joking around with this kiss on SNL, but right now Garfield deserves some shame for his uncool comments about being gay.
Best Kiss We Tried To Find A Jewish Angle On But Couldn’t
Tomi Lahren and Chelsea Handler have a lot in common. They’re both attractive blondes, they both found fame at the helm of their own talk show, and they’ve both been publicly criticized for making comments that many deemed inappropriate.
And then there are the differences between them.
The fiery liberal and controversial conservative couldn’t be further apart when it comes to politics and, at the end of this month, America will finally get the head-to-head battle we deserve. The Daily Beast reports that Lahren and Handler will be facing off at Politicon, a political convention that takes place in Pasadena, California, at the end of this month.
In anticipation of the event, Lahren has been tweeting out a series of battle cries that promise to leave Handler in tears at the end of the debate.
Gonna be a good time but those saying she’s gonna crucify me also insisted Hillary would win the election so… #TomiChelseaDebateQuestions— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) July 6, 2017
I’m doing this for all the America-loving Trump supporters out there sick & tired of hearing the Libs wish the worst. #TomiChelseaDebate— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) July 6, 2017
Handler hasn’t yet mentioned the debate on her own Twitter platform, instead choosing to remain true to her primary game: dragging Donald Trump’s name through the mud until she drops dead.
CNN is not fake news. We know that because when they make mistakes, they acknowledge it. Something our fake president has never once done.— Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) July 6, 2017
Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter at @arr_scott
