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Conan O’Brien Says ‘Israelis Are The Best Looking People’

The last thing Israel needs is another over-confident white man who burns easily bopping about, trying to fix things. We don’t even know what to do with the Jared Kushner we have. Nevertheless, Conan O’Brien, entertainment’s most irrationally successful ginger, took it upon himself to visit Israel earlier this summer. The episode drops tonight during erev Rosh Hashanah, suggesting right off the bat that Conan O’Brien may not be the man to handle extremely sensitive cultural issues.

In advance of the episode, a nearly 9-minute long preview for #ConanIsrael was released today. And even to the hardened, longterm believer that Conan O’Brien typifies male mediocrity, this video is everything. Let’s dive in to the madness:

Poorly Informed Christian Gives Unsurprisingly Bad History Of Israel

“To understand today’s Israel and the surrounding territories, you have to understand its history,” Conan begins his Israel episode. What follows is a brief history that goes from ancient Judea to modern day Israel, but sounds like it’s being recited by a Taglit tour guide who got hit in the head by falling debris at Masada. He lists the conquerors of Israel in order, minus the Assyrians, Persians, and Hasmoneans. Essentially it only takes him 30 seconds of Jewish history to destroy Chanukah. (And people claim there’s a war on Christmas!) And if Conan needs someone to explain why Cyrus the Great of Persia’s letter is vital to Jewish history I can think of 599 Rabbis off the top of my head who love to rant about it.

Conan Gives Fairly Accurate Account Of All Of The Conflicts and Peoples of Israel

Reform Israelis are represented by a Dodgers hat, Druze, Bedouins, and the Ba’hai people are mentioned, and Bar Rafaeli stands alone.

Conan Stalks The Streets Of Tel Aviv Screaming, “Mazel Tov!”

He begins on a boulevard in Tel Aviv, telling three young men, “You are Israelis.” You can tell they really are Israeli because they all have patchy facial hair and two are wearing custom-made t-shirts with crude, hand-drawn cartoons on them.

Conan Experiences What I Will Call “Exhaustion From Overexposure to Israeli Sex Appeal”

Despite prior knowledge of Bar Rafaeli, Conan suffers from the typical American response to Israeli genetics — instant sexual overstimulation followed by intense, unfocused emotions. “I’m talking to handsome Israeli man number 3,652 of the day,” he says, with the telltale mix of awe and confusion. “What is it with you people? It’s the best-looking people I’ve seen anywhere.”

Conan Begs Random Israelis To Be Attracted To Him
BEEN THERE, BABE. Conan asks one half of a scarily good-looking Tel Aviv couple if she would be attracted to him if she saw him on the street. She laughs, confused by the question.

Conan Shoves Parve-y Looking Tin Foil Pan Of Cake In His Mouth And Shouts, “I Love This Country”

Conan Starts To Resent Israeli Beauty, Begins Bullying Older Men To Regain Confidence
Once again, we have all been there. Conan mocks an older Israeli man’s chest hair, clearly beginning to feel better about himself. Faced with a post-IDF lifeguard named Shai in a cut-up t-shirt, Conan screams into a megaphone, “All Israeli men wearing speedos, please leave the beach.”

Conan O’Brien Stands In A Tel Aviv Lifeguard Station, Doing A Duet With An Israeli Elvis Impersonator
Conan gives into the charm, horror, and bizarreness of life in Israel as we all ultimately do. The episode ends with a surreal meeting of minds and vocal parts — Conan, an elderly Israeli Elvis impersonator, Baywatch-looking Israeli lifeguards, and the crowds of the Tel Aviv beach singing, “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.”

Israel. Conan. Elvis impersonators over the age of forty. You really can’t help falling in love.

Jenny Singer is a writer for the Forward. You can reach her at Singer@forward.com or on Twitter @jeanvaljenny

The Schmooze

Rob Reiner And Morgan Freeman Are Going To Save Us All From Russia

It was a cool, crisp autumn day nearly one year ago when I became impervious to shock. A tape of Donald Trump bragging about sexual assault had just been leaked, leaving no doubt in my mind that he had just blown any and all hope of becoming the leader of the Free Land. There were plenty of reasons prior to this leak that might have given us hope, but none so crude, none so revealing of Trump’s character — or lack thereof.

It was in the days following this breaking bit of news when it became quickly apparent that Trump’s followers would excuse him for reducing women to a single part, a part over which they deserved no control.

“Grab ‘em by the pussy,” he said, and they forgave him without even demanding the guise of a sincere apology.

Nothing since has been able to penetrate my fortress of hopelessness.

That’s not to say I have no hope of winning against the force that is Trump and his politics of bigotry so much as it is to say that I can’t imagine a scenario — a scandal, a catastrophe, video proof he murdered an innocent civilian — in which those who have supported and continue to support President Donald J. Trump will be lost to him.

Enter InvestigateRussia.org, a nonpartisan committee dedicated to “help[ing] Americans recognize and understand the gravity of Russia’s continuing attacks on our democracy.” Launched by Director Rob Reiner and counting among its members actor Morgan Freeman and The Atlantic’s David Frum, the committee will serve as a one-stop shop for all breaking news about the investigation into Russia’s interference with the 2016 election.

This is 2017. We are living inside an elaborate conspiracy theory that is becoming more and more real every single day. It has fallen to the director of “The Princess Bride” and the star of “The Shawshank Redemption” to beg people to emerge from their state of numbness and reckon with the imminent demise of American democracy.

Please enjoy this completely nonfictitious video of Morgan Freeman warning the United States of America that we are engaged in a war with Russia — one in which their most dangerous weapon may be sitting at the head of the Oval Office right this very moment. Or at least playing golf somewhere nearby.

Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter, @arr_scott

The Schmooze

Ivanka Trump Doesn’t Know What The Word ‘Otherwise’ Means

Yesterday, Ivanka Trump found time in her busy schedule of explaining how she has no obligation to be moral and her work helping to end equal pay efforts, to throw subtle shade at her baby nephew.

Listen: not everyone likes cuddling. But you can just pretend to get a phone call and then sneak out quietly! You can fake an emergency. You can say “here’s lookin’ at you, kid,” do finger guns, and leave. You don’t have to take to the internet.

Is criticizing this photo catty?

Yes.

Is it as catty as helping your father become president of the United States of America on your platform of women’s rights and then taking away women’s rights?

No.

Yes, Ivanka looks beautiful like if Bambi had an Instagram and a formfitting blouse.

Yes, the baby she’s holding is cute enough to heal the wounds that threaten to turn septic and leave America a rotting corpse.

Yes, she appears to have commissioned a full-scale reproduction of Versailles to have this photo taken in, and that speaks of her commitment to aesthetics.

But still, essentially, she is doing this to that baby:

Shanah tovah to Ivanka, baby Luke, and everyone at the Whitehouse. May it be a sweet, meaningful, and otherwise healthcare-accessible year.

Jenny Singer is a writer for the Forward. You can reach her at Singer@forward.com or on Twitter @jeanvaljenny

The Schmooze

The Meyerowitz Family Trailer Is As Jewish As The Name Implies

The trailer for what shapes up to be one of Netflix’s most Jewish original productions just dropped. A family-oriented dramedy, Noah Baumbach’s “The Meyerowitz Stories” chronicles the struggles of Harold Meyerowitz seeking to reconnect with his family. The film stars Dustin Hoffman as the Meyerowitz patriarch, Ben Stiller as his well-to-do son, Adam Sandler as his less successful son (art clearly imitating real life here), Emma Thompson as Hoffman’s wife, and Elizabeth Marvel and Grace Van Patten as the two daughters. That one sentence contains six (!) consecutive Jewish names and even a double Jewish suffix for good measure.

Though a common premise, the glittering cast promises to make a story about a dysfunctional family as entertaining and argumentative as your Rosh Hashanah dinner surely will be. Within the two and half minute trailer, Dustin Hoffman wonders whether a $35 salmon at a restaurant comes with fellatio, Emma Thompson drunkenly laments the Italian practice of deep-frying birds (???), and Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler get in a fight, presumably to settle the debate over who was the ’90s greatest young Jewish comedian (which never really was a debate).

“The Meyerowitz Stories” will be released on Netflix and in select theaters October 13. Check out the trailer below.

Steven Davidson is an editorial fellow at the Forward.

The Schmooze

5 Things That Are Bigger Enemies Of Comedy Than Political Correctness

Our world can be a cold and unforgiving place — especially for certain oppressed groups. 2016 was the deadliest year on record for transwomen. Black mothers must teach their sons how to “deal with the police” lest they be murdered by them without consequence. Comedians often receive mean messages on Twitter after they make jokes about rape victims.

Howie Mandel, the 82nd best comic of all time according to Comedy Central, spoke to The Hollywood Reporter about this oppression in an interview titled “How Political Correctness is Killing Comedy.”

“Even with the number one show on television right now, I have a fear that I’ll say something that will get me in trouble,” Mandel said in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter. “You’re a comedian. There used to be a safety net as far as saying, ‘Just joking!’ There’s no such thing as ‘Just joking!’ anymore.”

First of all, take a moment to come to terms with the fact that “America’s Got Talent,” on which Mandel is a judge, is the number one show on television right now. And remember — we did this to ourselves.

Done? Great. If you’ve got any emotional energy left, please read this comprehensive list of things that are greater enemies of comedy than political correctness.

1.CLIMATE CHANGE

Ain’t no comedy without comedians. Ain’t no comedians without a livable Earth.

2.BILL COSBY

You know why.

3.MONICA LEWINSKY

Monica Lewinsky’s war on bullies threatens to exterminate one of the great causes of childhood pain. Without childhood pain, the comics of tomorrow will all have the same comedic range as Jimmy Fallon.

4.FEMINISM

Get it??????

5.THE FACT THAT WHITE SUPREMACIST AND MASS MURDERER DYLANN ROOF TRIED AND FAILED TO FIRE HIS JEWISH AND INDIAN LAWYERS AND NOW MUST CONTINUE TO TRIAL REPRESENTED BY TWO PEOPLE WHO HE BELIEVES ARE HIS ‘POLITICAL AND BIOLOGICAL ENEMIES’

Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter, @arr_scott

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