Redacted Bible Stories: Yael

“Giaele e Sisara” by Artemisia Gentileschi via wikicommons

Yael: who’s there?

Sisera: it’s me!!! Sisera!!! help!!!

Yael: u woke me up

Sisera: it’s…the middle of the day

Yael: wtvr. What’re u doing here in the middle of the day

Sisera: Barak’s chasing me — he’s trying to kill me!

Yael: well, you did just lose to him in battle

Sisera: yes but —

Yael: & before that, u kinda totally oppressed his ppl for 20 yrs

Sisera: true, but —

Yael: so I guess you can come in

Sisera: I can??

Yael: drags cigarette sure. Ur ruthless. I admire that in a man. Besides, what r friends for, right?

Sisera: thank u!! ohhhh thank u!!! how can I ever thank you. My mom will thank u…King Yavin will thank u —

Yael: king who?

Sisera: King Yavin. U know, of the Caananite lands and tribes, of which I am War General and with which your husband Heber has a treaty to —

Yael: yawns wtvr.

Come inside if u want.


Sisera: Yael?

Sisera: Yael, may I have a blanket?

Yael: I was just about to fall back asleep

Sisera: it’s…still the middle of the day

Yael: waddya need the blanket for?

Sisera: i’m cold. & tired

Yael: oh, so now UR allowed to sleep but I’M not allowed to sleep?

Sisera: well, i HAVE been running straight for the past two days, without food or water, trying to escape a vicious enemy who –

Yael: stuff it. Here’s ur blanket

Sisera: meekly thank u

Sisera: ….yael….

Sisera: thanks again for hiding me.

Sisera: I really appreciate it.

Sisera: I hope this doesn’t put u in danger.

Sisera: b/c I —

Yael: oh for the LOVE OF GOD would u STOP TALKING?


Sisera: whispers Yael…

Sisera: Yael

Sisera: Yael?

Yael: WHAT.

Sisera: i’m thirsty

Yael: fml.

Sisera: may I have some water, please, Yael?

Yael: u want some water??? I’LL GIVE U WATER.

Sisera: that’s milk

Yael: shut the f***| up. Its water. Now go back to sleep.

Sisera drinks the milk, falls sleep

Yael: FINALLY.


Prophetess Devorah: have u killed Sisera yet?

General Barak: not yet, Madame Justice, but I have all my best men on the case! We’ll find this bloody oppressor, have no fear!

Prophetess Devorah: when?

General Barak: We’re searching for a vicious, cunning warrior who has endless sand pits & caves to hide in. Killing him’s complicated, my lady – it’s not like smashing a coconut with a tent peg.

Yael whistles to herself as she pulls up a tent peg and grabs a hammer.

Yael: I’ll teach u to bother me when im trying to nap…


Yael: yo!
U down there!

General Barak: me? I’m General Barak, general of the esteemed—

Yael: wtvr. C’mere, I got something for u

General Barak: i….ur too kind. Er, what kind of –

Yael drags Sisera’s bloody corpse with its mutilated head to the top of the stairs.

General Barak: what in god’s name –

Yael: present for ya. drags cig What? Don’t u like it? I made it specially for u. I thought u’d be grateful

General Barak: is that SISERA??

Yael: ha. WAS.

General Barak: what happened to him??

Yael: blows smoke in his face I did. I happened.

General Barak: how?

Yael: aren’t u happy? I thought u’d be happy. I bashed in his skull w a tent peg

General Barak: a tent peg? Like, an actual tent peg?

Yael: sure. It was easy. Just like back home, when we used to smash –

General Barak: COCONUTS WITH TENT PEGS!! YES!

Yael: I was gonna say puppies drags cig

General Barak: puppies?

Yael: blows smoke coolly. yup

General Barak: wellllll….er…that’s nice…i…gotta go now.

General Barak: I’ll just take this corpse & go

General Barak: Thanks again for the corpse!

General Barak: Bye-bye now.

Yael: FINALLY. stubs cigarette, goes back to sleep

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