“Giaele e Sisara” by Artemisia Gentileschi via wikicommons
Yael: who’s there?
Sisera: it’s me!!! Sisera!!! help!!!
Yael: u woke me up
Sisera: it’s…the middle of the day
Yael: wtvr. What’re u doing here in the middle of the day
Sisera: Barak’s chasing me — he’s trying to kill me!
Yael: well, you did just lose to him in battle
Sisera: yes but —
Yael: & before that, u kinda totally oppressed his ppl for 20 yrs
Sisera: true, but —
Yael: so I guess you can come in
Sisera: I can??
Yael: drags cigarette sure. Ur ruthless. I admire that in a man. Besides, what r friends for, right?
Sisera: thank u!! ohhhh thank u!!! how can I ever thank you. My mom will thank u…King Yavin will thank u —
Yael: king who?
Sisera: King Yavin. U know, of the Caananite lands and tribes, of which I am War General and with which your husband Heber has a treaty to —
Yael: yawns wtvr.
Come inside if u want.
Sisera: Yael, may I have a blanket?
Yael: I was just about to fall back asleep
Sisera: it’s…still the middle of the day
Yael: waddya need the blanket for?
Sisera: i’m cold. & tired
Yael: oh, so now UR allowed to sleep but I’M not allowed to sleep?
Sisera: well, i HAVE been running straight for the past two days, without food or water, trying to escape a vicious enemy who –
Yael: stuff it. Here’s ur blanket
Sisera: meekly thank u
Sisera: thanks again for hiding me.
Sisera: I really appreciate it.
Sisera: I hope this doesn’t put u in danger.
Sisera: b/c I —
Yael: oh for the LOVE OF GOD would u STOP TALKING?
Sisera: whispers Yael…
Sisera: i’m thirsty
Sisera: may I have some water, please, Yael?
Yael: u want some water??? I’LL GIVE U WATER.
Sisera: that’s milk
Yael: shut the f***| up. Its water. Now go back to sleep.
Sisera drinks the milk, falls sleep
Prophetess Devorah: have u killed Sisera yet?
General Barak: not yet, Madame Justice, but I have all my best men on the case! We’ll find this bloody oppressor, have no fear!
Prophetess Devorah: when?
General Barak: We’re searching for a vicious, cunning warrior who has endless sand pits & caves to hide in. Killing him’s complicated, my lady – it’s not like smashing a coconut with a tent peg.
Yael whistles to herself as she pulls up a tent peg and grabs a hammer.
Yael: I’ll teach u to bother me when im trying to nap…
U down there!
General Barak: me? I’m General Barak, general of the esteemed—
Yael: wtvr. C’mere, I got something for u
General Barak: i….ur too kind. Er, what kind of –
Yael drags Sisera’s bloody corpse with its mutilated head to the top of the stairs.
General Barak: what in god’s name –
Yael: present for ya. drags cig What? Don’t u like it? I made it specially for u. I thought u’d be grateful
General Barak: is that SISERA??
Yael: ha. WAS.
General Barak: what happened to him??
Yael: blows smoke in his face I did. I happened.
General Barak: how?
Yael: aren’t u happy? I thought u’d be happy. I bashed in his skull w a tent peg
General Barak: a tent peg? Like, an actual tent peg?
Yael: sure. It was easy. Just like back home, when we used to smash –
General Barak: COCONUTS WITH TENT PEGS!! YES!
Yael: I was gonna say puppies drags cig
General Barak: puppies?
Yael: blows smoke coolly. yup
General Barak: wellllll….er…that’s nice…i…gotta go now.
General Barak: I’ll just take this corpse & go
General Barak: Thanks again for the corpse!
General Barak: Bye-bye now.
Yael: FINALLY. stubs cigarette, goes back to sleep