So you’re in an interfaith relationship. How should you navigate family disapproval?
The Forward talked to two multicultural couples and a therapist to get their advice for people in a similar boat
Photo by iStock by Getty Images
From a young age, Yehonatan Shiman, an Israeli with Iranian and Tunisian parents, knew he was not allowed to marry a non-Jew.
“When Natasha and I got romantically involved, I told her, ‘I will never marry you,’” Yehonatan told the Forward.
So much for that.
Several years later, he is married to Natasha Pereira Shiman — an Italian Portuguese American Catholic-turned-Jew he met at the University of Virginia law school. Even Yehonatan’s grandmother, whose father sent her to Israel decades ago specifically so that she wouldn’t marry a non-Jew, has warmed up to the arrangement.
But while interfaith and multicultural relationships, like the one the Shimans have, are on the rise, the challenges they faced — how to convince family members opposed to such relationships to accept them? — remain common.
So, how can couples overcome cultural differences and family disapproval? To find out, the Forward interviewed two married multicultural couples and Bari Smelson, a social worker in Westchester, New York, who specializes in working with multicultural, multiracial and interfaith couples.
Here’s their advice.
Embrace ‘radical transparency’
Over the years, Yehonatan Shiman said he and Natasha have learned the virtue of what he calls “radical transparency.”
“In the beginning of our relationship, with issues having to do with our families, a lot of times, we would not be transparent, because it was hard to discuss,” he said.
“When you keep a grievance to yourself, it grows, it becomes bitter, it stains your perspective on things and it becomes an interpretive tool,” Yehonatan said. “You use it later to interpret a situation in a way that might be counterproductive.”
That’s why it’s so important to communicate — with each other and with each other’s families, Smelson, the Westchester social worker, pointed out. Smelson said that before any meeting with parents takes place, couples should try to predict how family members will react to news of their relationship, and work to accept the fact that they might be angry.
“It’s important to ask family members how they feel about intermarriage,” she said. “What are they afraid is going to happen?” By asking directly, the couple can address parents’ concerns accordingly.
“Talking about these things and risking people being angry is important,” she said.
Be on each other’s team
When introducing your partner to family members, present a unified front, Smelson said. Talk through the risks of the conversation with your partner in advance, and make a plan to react as a cohesive unit.
“If somebody says something about somebody else’s culture, race or religion — both people in the couple can say, ‘We’re not comfortable that’ or ‘That hurts our feelings,’” she said.
“And then, what are you going to do? How is one partner going to reach out emotionally and psychically to the partner to help them deal with a microaggression or aggression?”
For Yasmine, being on her husband Biggah’s team — and on the team of any marginalized people — has meant cutting out family members who’ve made racist comments and proven unwilling to change. (Yasmine, who is Ashkenazi and Mizrahi, and Biggah, who is Black and Christian, asked that their last names not be included in this article because they have experienced online threats and harassment.)
“You, as the non-Black spouse, have a responsibility to ensure that your family functions are safe for your spouse,” Yasmine said. That means “holding your family accountable, whether that means educating them or cutting them off.”
Biggah said it goes both ways. “If you’re antisemitic, you’re anti-Biggah,” he added.
Learn about each other’s culture, and focus on similarities
When Yehonatan and Natasha’s relationship got serious, Yehonatan’s parents weren’t the only ones with qualms. Just as Yehonatan’s parents didn’t want him marrying a non-Jew, Natasha’s had always hoped she’d marry a fellow Catholic. It took time for them to get used to her conversion.
“My mom really felt that I was losing a similarity with her and our family,” Natasha said.
But both sets of parents became more accepting when their future child-in-law expressed interest in their culture — Yehonatan’s when Natasha asked questions about Judaism, and Natasha’s when Yehonatan joined them on a family trip to Portugal.
“We went to the village where Natasha’s father grew up, and I found myself in the middle of the street dancing with her father and extended family,” Yehonatan said.
“There are so many ways to be part of something different without compromising what you personally are not willing to compromise on,” he added.
It can help to emphasize shared values and traditions.
“My mom’s like, ‘your kid’s never going to have a First Communion!’” Natasha said. “They won’t have a First Communion, but they’ll have a bar or bat mitzvah. Functionally, we’re marking the same thing, and we’re celebrating with food and drinks.”
Natasha’s mom also connects with Judaism because of its shared roots with Christianity.
“It’s about finding those points of overlap, where she feels like she has an opening to contribute to my new identity, and she’s not going to be an outsider.”
But even when much is going right, Yehonatan says that someone in a multicultural relationship is still bound to face awkward moments, and sticking with your loved one means having a thick skin.
“If you’re too sensitive, and you don’t let things slide, and you choose to defend everything, it won’t work,” he said. “You cannot wear your identity as a badge.”
Find others who understand, and give it time
Before getting married, Natasha and Yehonatan found it helpful to attend group discussions through 18Doors, a nonprofit that assists Jewish interfaith couples.
“It’s an amazing experience to sit in a room full of people who share your suffering,” Yehonatan said.
“You realize everyone is going through the same questions. What do you do about the damn Christmas tree?” Natasha said. “It’s nice because sometimes you feel like you’re in a silo.”
“Having sessions with a couples counselor before getting married is not a bad idea” either, Smelson said, citing the Christian tradition of premarital counseling. “It helps people flesh out what’s important to them.”
An outlet like those conversations can help couples not just fight a sense of isolation, but also maintain perspective on the long-term outlook for their relationships with their families.
“I always think, because I’m a glass half-full person, that there’s a way for people to come to an understanding,” Smelson said. “People love their children. But it could take time. You have to have patience and not give up.”
“Don’t fight all the battles right away,” Yehonatan Shiman said.
“I think it’s very important to talk about what everyone wants, but it’s also important not to get too in the weeds about how things will look, because not all questions have to be answered.”
Asking too many what-ifs can be overwhelming for family members who don’t need “extra fuel,” Yehonatan added.
Yasmine faced a different situation. She cut her grandmother off when she was 13 — years before she met Biggah — because of the racist way her grandmother had treated Yasmine’s stepdad and brothers, who are Black.
But as her grandmother got older, Biggah encouraged Yasmine to reach out to her and try to reconnect before she passed away.
“I’m not saying she changed completely,” Yasmine said. But the nonagenarian expressed shame about comments she’d made in the past, and she apologized.
Not only that, but Yasmine said her grandmother loved Biggah.
“I’d call her toward the end and be like, ‘Hi, I wanted to check on you,’ and she’d be like ‘Yeah, yeah — where’s your husband?’
“I guess it’s possible for people to change,” Yasmine said. “I don’t know.”
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