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Coldly and unemotionally, we must examine the facts: Why the HELL would Gwyneth Paltrow have worn a maroon dress to her wedding?

Rumors, nay conspiracy theories, are swirling, claiming that Gwyneth Paltrow and fiancé Brad Falchuck’s so-called engagement party, held on Saturday night, was really a secret wedding. The actress-turned-wellness-tycoon arrived at the party at the Los Angeles Theater, having just returned from her bachelorette party at the Four Seasons resort in Cabo, a hotel that is, in a manner befitting Paltrow’s elite personal brand Goop, not even open yet. For the event, described as an “engagement party,” Falchuck wore a white tuxedo and Paltrow, a one-shoulder Giambattista Valli evening gown. Both looked sensational. But neither looked like they were about to get married at a Goop shindig, which should rightfully should involve more pomp, including vaginal steamers for all.

Despite the lack of hard evidence, Marie Claire UK reported the engagement party as a “secret wedding,” citing hints like the fact that Paltrow’s mother, actress Blythe Danner, was spotted entering the theater holding a Monique Lhuillier bridal dress bag. They also noted that the 400 guests in attendance seemed more than starry enough to suggest a wedding. They included — Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, Stephen Spielberg, Julia Roberts, Chelsea Handler, Liv Tyler, Jessica Seinfeld, and Kate Hudson.

We’re just not convinced. Since when has Gwyneth Paltrow, who announced her engagement by making herself and Falchuk the cover of her own magazine, been one to avoid public attention or economize on parties? On the other hand, her opaque note on Instagram thanking guests for “celebrating our (heart emoji)” has a whiff of duplicity about it. All there is left to do is wait for Paltrow to either savvily monetize a secret wedding reveal or negate these theories by publishing articles about pre-wedding colonics.

Jenny Singer is a writer for the Forward. You can reach her at Singer@forward.com or on Twitter @jeanvaljenny

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