if you treasure your innocent enjoyment of Jewish breads, do not read on. Image by iStock

By Irene Katz Connelly May 22, 2020

First your frenemies started posting their perfect loaves of sourdough bread on Instagram. Then shortages of flour and yeast became so severe that people started arguing about who has the right to make their own bread and who deserves supermarket offal. Now, condom manufacturer Trojan has published an e-cookbook of phallus-shaped bread recipes for bakers with “big babka energy.”

No, this does not at all sound logical to The Schmooze either. But it is March 276th, and this is where we are now.

Titled “Rising Time,” the 69-page spread (yes, there really are sixty-nine pages) is like one big winky-face joke made by that one guy in your friend group who responds to every text with the eggplant emoji. All the recipes are titled with unintelligible but identifiably dirty puns: you can make a white bread known as “Sliced Missionary,” a pumpernickel loaf named “Pump Her Nickel” (what exactly is the nickel in this scenario?) or (lest you think things were getting too subtle) garlic knots called “Knot Without a Condom.”

Rest assured, the favored pastries of the Jewish people have not been forgotten. The cookbook features a poppy seed challah aptly titled “Make Her Challah.” And on Instagram, Trojan teased the project with a snapshot of a glossy babka slightly too big to fit the frame (it’s well-endowed, get it?) wrapped in a taut plastic bag (we trust you don’t need the metaphor explained).

Each recipe is paired with a Trojan product with which bakers are apparently supposed to amuse themselves while the dough rises. As in, “The dough is going to rise for about 1 ½ to 2 hours. Put a Magnum Ribbed on your big babka and get to lovemaking.” Or, for challah, “Your sexual bulk can double while you please your lover with a Trojan Her Pleasure Ecstasy condom. Your bedroom will get HOT as you and lover braid your legs sexually.”

If it was not written by a prolific middle school fanfiction article with a thing for carbs, “Rising Time” was probably penned by people (and by people, I mean men) who do not understand what an effortful process bread-making is. Braid legs with my lover sexually while the loaf rises? The only activities in which I’m interested after wrestling dough into an Instagrammable shape are removing scraps from my hair and person, eating Milanos, and napping.

TLDR, Trojan is worried that you’re too distracted by the global pandemic unfolding around you to bone your partner, and they’re here to help you do so (safely). You can download this horny little flour-fest here. Make sure to store in a file labeled “NOT PORN.” It’s free, but unfortunately no Magnum condoms are included.

Irene Katz Connelly is an editorial fellow at the Forward. You can contact her at connelly@forward.com.

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