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For our regular contributor, Stanley Siegelman, whatever may be happening anywhere, no matter how far away or seemingly obscure, serves as an inspiration for his Yinglish versification and his delightfully delicious sense of humor. This time, he reaches all the way to Israel to inform us about a Hebrew version of Cosmopolitan, a magazine that advocates sexual freedom for women. What follows is his Yiddish (really, Yinglish) original, followed by his English version.

Cosmo In Yisroel

Es kumt tsu der Israeli “scene,”

A naye sexy “magazine.”

Vos ruft zikh “Cosmopolitan,”

Tsu helfn frayen iz der plan.

A plan vos take iz “complex,”

Un hot tsu ton (vos den)? mit “sex.”

Kukt on, di zoynes in dem land,

On abi a shtikl shand

Zey loyfn Cosmo yetst tsu leyzn,

Vayl es vert zey heys in heyzn.

A Yidine, zi veynt un krekhtst,

Tsu ir zogt Cosmo: “Hob mer sex!”

Iz mikve biznes epis kalt?

Nor shtek a “lifeguard” dortn bald.

Bay zey iz “sex” nor fleysh-un-shmalts

Gekashert mit a bisl zalts.

In “Bintl Brifs,” der “magazine”

Geyt vild mit zakhn gants “obscene.”

Un shrayt “sex” iz a heyliker plan

Azoy gleybt Keynig Soloman.

Dos meynt a zakh vos iz nit “nice,”

Vert ibernakht a zakh fun “spice.”

In Tel Aviv a tel m’makht

“Der magazine muz zayn farmakht,”

Azoy shrayen frume mentshn dort.

(Nu, vos vet zayn dos letste vort?)

Dos vort fun khokhme un fun Toreh

Iz plitsling Sodom un Gemora.

“Playboy” yetst mit zaftig “bunnies,”

Makht a land fun milk un “honeys.”

Cosmo in Israel

There comes on the Israeli scene,

A new and sexy magazine.

Its title: “Cosmopolitan,”

To bolster women — that’s its plan.

The scheme’s not simple; it’s complex,

It deals with themes of raging sex.

Behold how ladies of the night,

To Cosmo flock for quotes to cite.

The mag regards the rawest sex,

A thing to savor, not to vex.

A forlorn female moans and groans,

The magazine suggests hormones.

In mikvahs, patronage is slow?

Just hire lifeguards — biz will grow.

The mag sees sex as carnal feast,

A juicy treat for man and beast.

In “Bintel Briefs”: the magazine

Goes wild with topics quite obscene.

Inspired by the Song of Songs,

The mag says sex can right all wrongs.

The act once thought to verge on vice,

Is now routine and very nice.

In Tel Aviv, they kiss and tell,

Of overtures by William Tell.

Religious people, in furor,

Demand that “Cosmo” print no more.

The land of holiness and Torah,

Now smacks of Sodom and Gomorrah.

What’s next? If Playboy launches bunnies,

We’ll have a land of milk-and-honeys!

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