Ask the Rebbetzin: How Do I Enjoy My Boring Family Passover Seder?

Image by Courtesy Alana Joblin Ain
Dear Rebbetzin,
I want this night to be different from all other nights. I’ve been going back “home” to my family’s Passover Seder (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins) for the past two decades, since becoming an adult. But there’s something stifling about being in that environment for this ritual — something that feels rote and counter to the whole enactment of the Seder in the first place!
I want to delve deeper, to really engage in what it means to be enslaved and free in our current lives. I’m not sure if it’s possible to have such a discussion in the home I grew up in. If it is, I certainly don’t know how to get us there. Any advice on how I become less stuck?
Sincerely,
Still Wandering
Dear Wandering,
I wonder what it is about being around those who have known us the longest that brings out such shyness? Certainly there is a vulnerability and risk involved in your trying to transcend what has become routine, and trying to make this year more meaningful. But I do think it’s worth your trying.
Recently, my aunt has been scanning and sharing family photographs from the late 1970’s. They feature my mom with an impossibly glamorous Farrah Fawcett blowout holding my infant brother. Next to my mom is her mom, and her mom’s mom — my great-great grandmother — who immigrated to this country from Russia. There’s a shot of her next to her siblings – my great uncles and their wives – whose legs I used to knock into as I crawled underneath our long Seder table, in my grandparent’s home, playing hide-and-seek with my brother and cousins.
Looking at these pictures, I am struck by how much I don’t know about this passed generation, how urgent I feel a pull towards my living grandmother to hear her stories. How deeply I’d like to understand what filled their lives, and what they held sacred.
When Dan and I sit around a Shabbat table of peers, he’ll often pose a question — about God, or miracles, or what enslaves us in own lives — and I’ll observe as people overcome an initial shyness and connect by sharing what’s in their hearts. What’s often most powerful to witness are close friends, or a couple, revealing that they learned something new around that table, about their partner or friend — something they had (over the course of many years) never uncovered.
This, of course, is easier to do with a leader at the table. Wandering, you may need to be that leader. Depending on what feels sincere or most comfortable, you could give your family a head’s up, that this year you have a few themes in mind that you’d love to be able to discuss around the Seder table. Or you could simply toss out a question during the Seder. You may be surprised that others are grateful and eager to delve along with you.
It takes many years for things to become rote, but Passover, as you mention, is counter to this. It is a time that we consider miracles. It is about the courage it takes to take the first step into an unknown freedom.
I hope it will be a more positive and meaningful experience for you. If you try, and it doesn’t go as you hope, there are two nights of Seders, and perhaps one option is to seek out a setting where you can engage in the type of dialogue that the holiday encourages, and that you’re yearning.
But sometimes, just entrusting someone else with your heart on a journey is enough for them to come along.
Wishing you and those you love a meaningful and liberating Exodus,
Alana
Click here to submit your own questions to the Rebbetzin for her weekly column.
For more information about a Second Night Passover Seder with Because Jewish, click here.
The Forward is free to read, but it isn’t free to produce

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward.
Now more than ever, American Jews need independent news they can trust, with reporting driven by truth, not ideology. We serve you, not any ideological agenda.
At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse.
This is a great time to support independent Jewish journalism you rely on. Make a gift today!
— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO
Support our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.
Most Popular
- 1
Opinion The dangerous Nazi legend behind Trump’s ruthless grab for power
- 2
Opinion I first met Netanyahu in 1988. Here’s how he became the most destructive leader in Israel’s history.
- 3
Opinion Yes, the attack on Gov. Shapiro was antisemitic. Here’s what the left should learn from it
- 4
News Who is Alan Garber, the Jewish Harvard president who stood up to Trump over antisemitism?
In Case You Missed It
-
Fast Forward Trump mandates universities to report foreign funding, a demand of pro-Israel groups
-
Fast Forward Exclusive: Trump nominee apologizes for praising Nazi sympathizer while awaiting Senate confirmation hearing
-
Fast Forward Global antisemitism has declined since Oct. 7, Tel Aviv University says
-
Yiddish World VIDEO: Warsaw Ghetto Uprising commemoration highlights women ghetto fighters
-
Shop the Forward Store
100% of profits support our journalism
Republish This Story
Please read before republishing
We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines.
You must comply with the following:
- Credit the Forward
- Retain our pixel
- Preserve our canonical link in Google search
- Add a noindex tag in Google search
See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.
To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.