Hilchos Marijuanakkah
Image by iStock
By Eli Reiter December 18, 2017
The holiday of lights is super lit. Get holy and high with these Hilchot Marijuanakkah, the real high holy daze.
1) One must light one joint for the first night, and two joints for the second, etc. One must go up in number, not down.
2) One must share their stuff because of the commandment of pirsumai nissah, advertising the miracle of Hannukah.
3) The shamash (“helper”), aka the dealer, can’t get high off of his own supply.
4) Weed oil is preferred, mehudar, but wicks (aka joints) are also okay. Bowls are right out.
5) Virgin seed is mehudar.
6) The miracle of Marijunakkah is that a nickel bag kept the Maccabees high for eight days.
7) Fried munchies. Nuff said.
8) Your weed should be high enough for pedestrians to see but low enough to avoid the Greeks (the police).
9) Only get high at night. It’s not permitted to get high in the daytime hours.
10) After lighting (up), you’re obligated to sing.
11) The Menorah should not be moved after is has been lit. Likewise, don’t go anywhere after lighting up.
12) On Friday evening, smoke more before sunset, because you can’t light up on Shabbat.
13) If one is a guest, he should give the owner a small amount of money to buy a portion of their marijuana; they may fulfil their obligation of Marijuanakkah through the owner.
Caveat emptor: I don’t smoke, but I am addicted to the internet, which helped with this article.
This is a moment of great uncertainty. Here’s what you can do about it.
We hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, we’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s independent Jewish news this Passover.
This is a moment of great uncertainty for the news media, for the Jewish people, and for our sacred democracy. It is a time of confusion and declining trust in public institutions. An era in which we need humans to report facts, conduct investigations that hold power to account, tell stories that matter and share honest discourse on all that divides us.
With no paywall or subscriptions, the Forward is entirely supported by readers like you. Every dollar you give this Passover is invested in the future of the Forward — and telling the American Jewish story fully and fairly.
The Forward doesn’t rely on funding from institutions like governments or your local Jewish federation. There are thousands of readers like you who give us $18 or $36 or $100 each month or year.
Support our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.
