BINTEL BRIEFShe’s married to a man but attracted to women. Now what?
Bintel says she’s not alone — and there are Jewish ways to recognize these feelings
She’s married to a man but attracted to women. Now what? Illustration by iStock/Canva
By Beth Harpaz March 6, 2025
A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email, social media or this anonymous form.
Dear Bintel,
Some time ago, I began connecting the dots and naming for the first time that I think I am queer/bisexual. (For full context, I have only ever been in sexual relationships with men and am a woman in my 40s in a committed, loving marriage with a man.) Coming to this realization both was and was not a surprise; I had had inklings of my attraction to women before, but had always brushed them off.
To be saying it out loud felt so exciting and empowering, and also more than a little confusing. I’ve discussed it a lot with my spouse, who has been incredibly supportive; in therapy (both individual and couples); and with a close friend. I’ve been reading books about gender, sexuality and queer theory, and have been experimenting with how I dress/present myself. My aesthetic already skewed in a direction that could code queer, so I’ve been leaning into that a little more. My spouse is also open to the possibility of me seeking a sexual connection with another woman, but neither one of us has any idea how that would work or if that’s a path we’d really want to go down.
I don’t really have any models of what it could look like to be a queer person who’s just coming out in their 40s and is happily married to a man. I’d love to hear your advice for how I can continue to explore/express this new side of myself.
Signed,
Connecting the Dots
Dear Connecting,
It’s not easy to tell your spouse, and ultimately the rest of the world, that you have come to this realization about yourself. I commend your courage and the work you’ve done internally and in therapy to acknowledge and pursue this path. If it helps to have Bintel celebrate your decision to honor these feelings, consider it done.
You say you have no models of what this looks like, but rest assured: You’re not alone, and you needn’t be alone as you explore what you call “this new side” of yourself. The older I get, the more heterosexual couples I personally know where one partner has come out as gay, bisexual or nonbinary, and in some cases they’ve transitioned. Sometimes the original marriages stay together; sometimes they don’t.
There are plenty of examples among celebrities and public figures as well. They include Cynthia Nixon, who had two children in a heterosexual relationship before marrying a woman; Portia de Rossi, who was married to a man before marrying Ellen DeGeneres; and Jennifer Finney Boylan, who stayed married to the same woman after transitioning to become a woman herself.
I’m glad to hear that your husband is handling the news maturely and that your relationship continues to be defined by love and respect. I can’t know what’s truly in his mind, of course, but it may be that your revelations line up with something he already sensed. Honesty can often be liberating for both parties in these situations.
I’d encourage you to join a group like Facebook’s Coming Out Late Community, whose founder Robin Douglass also hosts a podcast, or to find support through a local LGBTQ+ community. In the Jewish world, there’s Keshet, a national organization devoted to promoting LGBTQ+ equality, which has events around the country and on Zoom. The group also has an online directory of inclusive clergy and institutions.
Keshet also offers a guide to “honoring the process of coming out” with a ceremony including immersion in in a mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath. “All the world is a narrow bridge and the essence of living is not to be afraid,” reads the accompanying prayer. “As the Israelites walked through the sea, so I walk into this mikvah as I choose to liberate myself from old restraints.”
Another option would be to say a “Shehecheyanu,” the simple prayer typically recited to mark the start of a holiday or in gratitude for a new experience. Saying the blessing might be one way to recognize the start of your journey, privately or with others.
Signed,
Bintel
Forward archivist Chana Pollack contributed to this column.
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