BINTEL BRIEFIs it OK to ask your Seder host if you can bring a guest?

Bintel says adding three little words to your request can reduce the awkward factor

Is it OK to ask a Seder host if you can bring a guest to an already crowded table? Graphic by iStock

By Beth Harpaz April 11, 2025

A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email, social media or this anonymous form.

Dear Bintel,

For the past several years, I have been invited to a Passover Seder at the house of a distant relative who is a rabbi. There are normally a dozen or so attendees, mostly family members or significant others of family members, and space sometimes gets a little tight.

A friend of mine just moved to my city and asked me if I knew of any Seders he could attend. I’d like for him to join my relatives’ Seder, and I think there’s a good chance they’d be happy to have him, but I don’t want to put any pressure on them to make room for him if they don’t have it. How should I navigate this?

Sincerely,
Stumped Seder Guest

Dear Stumped,

Ooh, awkward situation! On the one hand, if you ask your relatives, they may say yes even though they don’t have room, and then you’ll feel bad about imposing. On the other hand, you’d like to help your friend — and he might think it’s no big deal to ask for a plus-one and therefore be annoyed if you don’t.

Here’s what I do when I’m worried about putting someone in a sticky position. I make my request as casual as possible, acknowledging whatever factors might be in play. Then I outline an alternative to whatever I’m asking them to do, and I add three magic little words: “Absolutely no pressure.”

So, consider texting something like this to your host: “Hi, I’m looking forward to seeing you all! Quick question, very last-minute: A friend who’s new in town is looking for a Seder. Absolutely no pressure — I know seating’s tight at yours — but might you know of any community events?”

This reduces their obligation to accommodate your pal by showing that you don’t expect them to squeeze him in. But it also opens the door in case they do have room — they might not think an extra plate, chair and wine glass is a problem. Remember: You’re not responsible for their decision; it’s up to them to say yes or no, especially since you acknowledged the constraints and gave them an out. And who knows, the rabbi could well have intel on an open event.

You might also help your friend look into other options for attending Seders at Chabad houses, JCCs, nearby Hillels and local synagogues. In some places, Seders even turn up on Meetup lists.

One final idea: Invite your friend to co-host a second-night Seder at your place and round up a few others in your social circle as guests — Jews as well as non-Jews, who are often thrilled to be included. It needn’t be elaborate: You can find Haggadahs online and put a simple meal together using prepared food. Matzo ball soup from a jar isn’t half bad. It also gets your relatives off the hook, shows your friend that you really care and helps the new kid in town meet new folks.

Sincerely,
Bintel

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Beth Harpaz worked at the Forward as a reporter and now manages the Bintel Brief advice column. She previously covered politics and breaking news for The Associated Press. Email: [email protected].

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