How should you tell someone that a loved one died? Judaism offers an answer.
Judaism teaches us that in the hardest moments, presence and clear communication can bring comfort. Here’s what we can learn from Jewish tradition when bearing bad news.
Graphic by Benyamin Cohen/Midjourney
By Rabbi Daniel Cohen July 31, 2025
I will never forget the hard knock on our door one fateful midnight. Everyone in our house was asleep, and I was jolted awake by the frantic banging. It was unsettling, but nothing could prepare me for the news waiting on the other side. Two Stamford police officers, whom I knew, were there to ask me to accompany them to the home of a woman whose husband had gone missing — only to be found dead. They needed me, as a rabbi, to help bear this heart-wrenching news.
We drove to the family’s home in the middle of the night. Sensing the bad news, the family did not want to open the door but understood they needed to let us in. As one can imagine, the wailing and trauma from the news was heart-wrenching.
I was there, not to speak, but to show that the widow wasn’t alone in this nightmare. Yet, as I stood there, I questioned whether I should have said something. Words seemed too small for such a vast loss.
Yet, months later, I saw the widow at a community event. She came up to me and thanked me for being there that night. As horrific and devastating as the news was, she simply appreciated my presence.
The experience taught me an invaluable lesson. Even when we are not the bearers of tragic news, our presence speaks volumes. Judaism teaches that we are God’s emissaries in this world — and in the most trying times, we emulate God’s companionship. Our simple presence can be the touchstone that reminds someone they are not alone, even when the world feels empty.
In the face of loss, it’s easy to feel helpless. But Judaism provides us with profound wisdom about the role of presence and words in moments of grief. King David expresses this idea in Psalm 23, “Although I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me.” When we stand by those in mourning, we offer them that same sense of divine companionship — a reminder that they are never truly alone.
Judaism also emphasizes the importance of clear communication. Be direct with the information. Do not increase anxiety through a slow roll out of the news.
A poignant midrash about the death of Sarah in the Bible highlights this principle. Her passing appears next to the story of Abraham binding their son Isaac on an altar, in which Abraham does not kill his son. A messenger, who knew the positive outcome, came to tell Sarah the news.
But rather than start with the good news — Isaac is safe — he started with the distressing part: Abraham taking Isaac to the altar.
The result was her shock and sudden death. Had she been told the end first, the tragic news might have been easier to bear.
Judaism also teaches to be both direct and compassionate. One model for such communication is Serach, the daughter of Asher and granddaughter of Jacob. The midrash explains that Serach was one of the few individuals in Jewish history who never died but entered Heaven alive. One reason for her eternal life is that she gently revealed to Jacob that Joseph was still alive, delivering the shock of good news without overwhelming him. Her tenderness and careful delivery made all the difference. Speak softly, with compassion, but also with clarity.
In my experience as a rabbi, I have found that at a funeral or a shiva home, there is time to focus on how to transcend the grief and move forward carrying the loved one with them.
But in the moment of loss, be empathetic and offer strength. “I am so sorry for your loss. I am here for you. I pray that God gives you strength during this time. How can I support you or your family?” are words that meet the moment emotionally and spiritually.
As we walk alongside those in mourning, we embody the divine presence, assuring them that they are never truly alone.
