Conservative Rabbis Shape Up
Graphic by Angelie Zaslavsky
NEWS ITEM: The Conservative movement’s Rabbinical Assembly is urging its 1,600 members to work out on a regular basis.
To be considered up to par,
A rabbi must be muscular!
With vigor must he sing each hymn,
Be it in synagogue or gym!
Rabbinical Assembly speaks:
“Our clergy must have strong physiques!
“No pallor will we now permit!
“They must be trim! They must be fit!
“Let’s go beyond their current role,
“The lifting of the Torah scroll!
“Eleventh this commandment: Heark:
“Be not infirm! Be always shtark!”
Could sermons that the rabbis spout
Take second place to working out?
Profound may be the words they speak,
Of equal import, their physique?
High holidays they’ll celebrate
By running miles and lifting weight.
Of Jewish woes they’ll bear the brunt!
It matters not! Abi gezunt!
Today, rabbis of either sex
May public’ly their muscles flex.
Their congregants may them admire,
And to good health also aspire.
Will Orthodox and the Reform
Accept this standard as the norm?
And will they now due credit give
To machers in Conservative?
Somehow, we entertain a doubt:
This would require some working out!
This is a moment of great uncertainty. Here’s what you can do about it.
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