In a letter to subscribers, new Backward owner, the virile Sheldon Adelson announced that the newspaper’s print edition is undergoing an extensive redesign to allow this august paper to be printed entirely on a small paper napkin.

“In the old days, my father used the Backward to wrap the fish he sold from his pushcart,” Adelson said. “But times change. We need to serve a new generation.”

Explaining that the new, more compact design would better reflect the modern economics of the newspaper business, and the attention span of modern readers, Adelson said that the new Backward would still maintain the paper’s stature.

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“Say you’re reading the Backward and you get a little schmutz on your face,” explained the mogul. “Or you have to blow your nose. Or the bathroom’s out of toilet paper. In the old days, you’d be stuck. But now, you have the Backward.”

Adelson denied that the redesign was purely a cost-cutting move.

“This is going to be a quilted, double-ply newspaper. Very absorbent, no chafing.”

The online version of the paper will likewise be undergoing a redesign for the mobile age with the launch of the BAppWard app for iPhone, Android and cordless phone.

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