Click here to anonymously submit a dating question for Sonya’s weekly column.
This is an article that some women are not going to like reading, but it’s my duty to call those guilty of this behavior out on it. Over the last couple of months as a single woman, I’ve witnessed many guy friends and single men in action, from the typical bar scene to dating apps. What I’ve seen is shocking and disturbing. We, we single women, have completely spoiled men with attention and sex in hopes of getting them to commit— let alone ask us out on an actual date.
Most of my single guy friends in NYC don’t want/need to be in a relationship because they have multiple girls texting them to come over, more girls contacting them on dating apps, and countless women at bars and clubs smiling at them from across the room begging to be approached. The desperation seems to be limitless!
Fact: Men don’t need to be in a committed relationship because women have made it so damn easy for them. Ladies, when you are texting a guy things like: “I miss you. I want to cuddle with you,” yet you are not in a relationship with this guy, why would a guy ever feel the need to be in a relationship? Trust me, I’ve read these texts. Guys laugh at them. Of course he will go over there to “cuddle” with you — what normal guy would turn down such an opportunity? Unfortunately, this behavior will always put you in the booty call list and not the potential girlfriend-type category.
Are we really that needy and attention seeking that we need to text guys we’ve just met last week inviting them to come over? If you are looking for a hook-up, that’s fine. If you are doing this to get a guy to like you and ask you to be his girlfriend, then you can forget it. I interviewed several single men and this is what they had to say about the dating scene:
“Being too eager will turn me off. ” - Drew
“Play it like you are a catch. Don’t smother me with attention.” – Kyle
“Don’t ever go to the guy. Let him come to you.” - Daniel
“Don’t get too comfortable and show me all of your cards.” - Ben
At the end of the day, men are hunters. They want to chase something they can’t almost have. If you want to be in a relationship, avoid sending guys suggestive text messages or selfies to get their attention — save that for when you are in a relationship with him. These texts will not get him to suddenly realize he should date you. You will forever be hook-up zoned.
Trust me: when a man really wants something, he will do everything in his power to get to it. If you find yourself texting a guy you like to hang out, he will not turn you down but remember that he didn’t initiate this, you did. Therefore he already lost the rush of the chase because you handed it to him too easily. If the guy you like is not texting you to hang out, let it go and move on. This guy is not ready for a relationship with you; he’s busy with all the freebies coming his way. He will or will not get tired of these eventually and look for something more meaningful. But first, the freebies must stop.
Bottom line: men engage in this behavior because there are so many women willing to give it up so easily. This is the truth none of us want to hear. Ladies, let’s be ladies. Do an experiment and become a little more mysterious with the men you meet. I guarantee that their interest in you will rise immediately because you are not acting like every other desperate girl out there. Nothing will change until we start a conversation about how our actions contribute to the dating jungle out there.
Sonya Kreizman is the co-founder and CEO of Crush Mobile, a company that develops mobile dating apps like JCrush and MiCrush, targeted at specific singles markets across the world. Sonya is responsible for managing day-to-day operations such as overseeing developers, designers, marketing strategy and most importantly, answering each and every dating question sent by an existing or future user. Her no-nonsense, pragmatic advice has been heralded by many critics, especially within the dating app scene. It is Sonya’s wide-ranging knowledge of millennials and online dating that has set her apart from the rest. In a business where most “dating coaches” have a book and a couple of life experiences as credibility, Sonya is the only dating app CEO offering real time advice. As online dating and traditional dating quickly become part of the same fabric, Sonya’s words are proven more and more invaluable.