I’ve been told over and over again that there are no good Jewish men out there. I’ve read it in Jewish newspapers, heard it at Jewish singles events and seen it on the Web. Usually when I read the “no good Jewish men” complaint, I get mad and sometimes even write letters to the editor full of arguments like, “Whaddaya mean, no good Jewish men out there? I’m a good Jewish man, and I’m out here, dang it!”
But the hell with all that. I’m done with arguing. I’m uncloseting myself and declaiming to the world: I am a bad Jewish man.
Not bad like torturing kittens or using my tallit to net shrimp and hogtie pigs. And not bad in the rebellious-bad-boy, take-no-guff-badass, wow-he’s-sexy way. Just bad in dateability.
I’m short. I don’t make a lot of money. At 49, I’m too old for much of the Planet of the Jewish Single Women. And — this will be a shock, coming from a Jew — I’m neurotic and insecure.
Is it unfair or sexist to say that these traits seem to cool the desires of most women? Maybe. Nevertheless, the fact still stands: I am bad.
Now, at this point in the confession, you might expect the next sentences to be, “But I’m a really nice guy if you get to know me,” or “Don’t I deserve love like everyone else?” But comments like those are a way of saying, “Treat me like I’m good” — and I told you, I’ve quit arguing that case.
I don’t expect to talk women into changing their desires and standards. Women are what they are.
So are men. I’ve run into too many Y chromosomes who gripe just as much that there are no good Jewish women. Ask these guys about the one they met on JDate, or Friday Night Live, or your friend’s wedding, and they’ll tell you why she’s too much like their mother, or the girls they went to Hebrew school with, or that she’s not young enough, or that her body isn’t perfect enough.
Obviously, it’s all too easy to qualify as a bad Jewish woman or bad Jewish man. One of the most obvious qualifications is kvetching and moaning. You know the usual examples: “Everyone in this town is so superficial,” or “My parents drive me crazy,” or — ready for this one? — “There are no good Jewish men out there.”
That’s right. You may think that you’re a good Jewish woman or good Jewish man, but if you whine that you can’t find good Jews to date, you’re bad.
Not a big ego boost, is it?
Welcome to the dark side. You’ll find a lot of us here. As the nerd Lewis Skolnick (a fine Jewish name) said at the end of “Revenge of the Nerds,” “We have news for the beautiful people. There’s a lot more of us than there are of you…. Why don’t you just come down here and join us?”
You’re not completely bad, of course. For me, hearing a woman say “no good Jewish men” is like hearing her express uninformed political opinions. My esteem for her judgment and good sense drops, but not very far. The “no good Jewish men/ no good Jewish women” line isn’t all that hurtful by itself.
Problem is, it’s not by itself. Like the straw on the camel’s back, “no good Jewish whoevers” drops onto a heap of other annoying cliches that people dump onto us unmarrieds.
For instance, there’s, “You’ll find love when you quit looking for it.” Even at their most alert, with eyes open and antennae up, guys can be myopic about women’s feelings, desires and come-hither signals. When we’re not even looking, you may as well outfit us — or at least me — with a dog and a white cane. Besides, when I’m not looking for someone, I usually hang with family and friends. Last time I checked, there weren’t a lot of available Jewesses manhunting through the suburban den of my married-with-two-kids sister.
Or there’s, “Why don’t you try speed dating (or JDate, or matchmaking service, or any number of other resources)?” Most of us grown-up singletons have been seeking Mr. or Miss Rightstein for a long time. We know the checklist of strategies, and we’ve tried most or all of them. If we’re still single, assume that they haven’t worked for us.
And of course there’s, “Don’t worry, everyone has a bashert.” I once heard a bit of Jewish folklore that asked what God’s been doing since he finished creating the universe, and the answer was, “He’s been arranging marriages.” He should go back to creating universes. My bashert must have missed her train — or maybe she got hit by it and is in no condition to date.
My friend Bill married a terrific woman, and they lived happily ever after. But “ever after” didn’t last long; she died young. After mourning his loss, Bill found another terrific woman, married her, and is living a happy life. Was his bashert the first woman or the second one? And what if he had met the second one while still married to the first?
If it seems like I’m cynical — well, I don’t want to be. I yearn to be the Adam who finds his Eve, the Abraham who finds Sarah, the Woody who finds Soon-Yi. (Well, maybe not that last one.) But putting up with “no good Jewish men” and other cliches gets me frustrated, cranky and curmudgeonly. What’s worse, I know that those moods aren’t good for attracting women.
But after all, I’m bad.
David Seidman, a writer living in West Hollywood, Calif., is the author of more than 40 books, including “Teens in Iran” (Compass Point Books), “Samuel Morse and the Telegraph” (Capstone Press, 2007) and “Creating a New Future” (Chelsea House, 2007).
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Oysh, David, no wonder you can't find a girl. You live in West Hollywood.
Louie Russ: < there are only two types of Jewish woman. Before marriage...and after marriage. Before marriage...everything is fine. After marriage...fuhgeddabout it. They "settle"...because they believe they can change us. And when they can't...you guys know the rest. Thank G-d for shixahs. > Oh, please. I know plenty of Jewish women who were terrific before marriage and terrific afterwards. Their husbands seem pretty happy, too. David Seidman (yep, the guy who wrote the article)
Whoops! Sorry about the triple post. Problem with the Forward's server. Anyhow, Jael wrote: Was this directed at me? If so -- well, I can take a few harsh comments (you should see some of the reviews of my books), but lay off my mother. No one who met her ever thought that she dropped out of life, let alone devoted herself to pampering her kids.
I offended Harry because I wrote the truth? I'm an idiot and ignorant because I like Jewish women? You sound like a self-hater who obviously married a shiksa. That's your problem not mine. Alex is another example of what intermarriage does to individuals. His attack on Jewish women is pathetic. He describes shiksas as being "out of bounds" for me. What a joke! Jewish women are way more "out of bounds" for me than shiksas. I haven't found any shiksa that I would prefer over a Jewish woman. Believe me I've had opportunities but I'm not interested. Being proud of being Jewish and loving Jewish women is not being ethnocentric. I have Jewish pride which is something that you will never understand.
Louie and "ha" sound just like neo-Nazi's on the Aryan Brotherhood message board in their description of Jewish women. They are anti-semites and obviously proud of it. Most American Jewish men are self-haters who hate Jewish women because they hate themselves. They marry shiksas because they want Gentile children. This is good news because these men's connection to Judaism will be cut forever and that is good for the Jews. Jewish women are beautiful and intelligent and way better than any shiksa. Thank Hashem for Jewish women!
I love this! I will take you! If you are in the mood for a 74 yr old granny?...Hm? What do you think? Worth a try?
What kind of question is this: "Was his bashert the first woman or the second one?" I'm a Bill who lost the first, the second and the third -- "bashert"? Yep! somewhere. Somewhere there is a good Jewish woman ... but I have, in 62 years, yet to find here. Moan and groan -- come out of the closet ... but that still is not going to create the good Jewish woman ... except, maybe, my second daughter ... but, naturally, she's someone elses bashert.
The dude who wrote "Most American Jewish men are self-haters who hate Jewish women because they hate themselves. They marry shiksas because they want Gentile children. This is good news because these men's connection to Judaism will be cut forever and that is good for the Jews. Jewish women are beautiful and intelligent and way better than any shiksa. Thank Hashem for Jewish women!" is obviously an idiot. No need to pay any attention to this ignorant tripe.
Let's face facts...there are only two types of Jewish woman. Before marriage...and after marriage. Before marriage...everything is fine. After marriage...fuhgeddabout it. They "settle"...because they believe they can change us. And when they can't...you guys know the rest. Thank G-d for shixahs.
No, the "last one" Woody and Soon-Yee, is the best possibility. There are tons of great Korean women out there and they yearn for bad Jewish men. Just ask Woody, or Noah Feldman !
You sound like a bad Jewish man. Not because you're short, not because you don't make enough money. Because you're full of yourself. Your mommie dropped out of life and devoted herself to pampering her precious little boy, and now you can't grok that there exist women who don't want to spend their lives pampering your mommie's wonderful little precious-wecious. Fortunately, Jewish women don't need good Jewish men. Here's what I've discovered: math is better than men. More interesting, more rewarding, a better way to get in touch with G-d. Dump the man. Buy a new math book (Dover Publications has lots of good math books.) When you're not studying math, you can learn to play the violin. Life CAN be perfect.
"Most American Jewish men are self-haters who hate Jewish women because they hate themselves. They marry shiksas because they want Gentile children. This is good news because these men's connection to Judaism will be cut forever and that is good for the Jews. Jewish women are beautiful and intelligent and way better than any shiksa. Thank Hashem for Jewish women!" Comments like Ran's seem misplaced; isn't this just ethnic chauvinism? If I get married someday, why the hell can't I marry outside the tribe? And what in the world is wrong with a shiksa? I also find it funny that the generalizations about Jewish women are countered with lines like: "Most American Jewish men are self-haters who hate Jewish women because they hate themselves." And then we go on to read that in marrying your out-of-bounds shiksas, "these men's connection to Judaism will be cut forever and that is good for the Jews." No, I have to disagree: I'm tired of one Jew speaking for all of us; say my background (Jewish mother and Italian father) was reversed. Would my father's -- hypothetical! -- connection to Judaism be any less diminished? Would I be less than the likes of you?
I'm a multiracial Jewish female (Black, White, Jewish) who thinks there are a lot of good Jewish men around. I'm dating 3 right now! When I was having problems finding Jewish men, I found that I was blaming everyone but myself for how I was contributing to my singles dilemma. Yes, there is a dearth of available Jewish men in my area, but I don't need several Jewish men to have a healthy relationship, I need one. I purposely erected fastidious standards in order to attract some dream man that probably doesn't exist. I really had to adjust my standards on the issue. None of the three mensches in question are doctors. One is a lawyer, but he works for a non-profit and makes very little money. The other two are young singles struggling to make the bills every month as much as I am. Maybe these menches aren't what the bubbes have in mind for me, but they are good men. Maybe I'm a little more "black" on this subject, but I don't expect a man to completely support me. I have to bring some financial stability to the situation too. Many of my Jewish male dates appreciate this characteristic more than anything else. The next time you want to rant about the lack of good Jewish men and woman, realize at least 40% of the problem is you. Maybe your mensch will be Sephardic, Mizrahi, Asian, Latino, Mixedrace, or Black and Jewish instead of Ashkenasi. Perhaps they will be shorter, make less money than your mommy and daddy would hope for, have a couple of kids, or has at least one annoying habit. But don't we all have some flaw? If your single, let go of your victimhood and embrace it. Its a stage of growth, and while it may seem like forever, the right person (or in my case persons) will show up at the appropriate time. I've found that when I dedicate myself to spiritual, mental, and physical well being, a mensch will follow suit.
Maybe I am too dense to understand why you are just focusing on "Jewish' women--expand your horizons for goodness sakes.
Dear Harry Fisher, Unfortunately, you have been de-Jewed because of your own indifference. The Jewish line ended at you. If you would rather define who is Jewish by what the Nazis said than by what the rabbis say..then that describes a very sad connection to Judaism. But being aware that you never checked into what Judaism is really all about, why not get to the source of things and go to a learning program and see for yourself? THat would make much more sense intellectually than just shoving traditional Judaism into a closet labeled "antiquated," when for you it was never alive in the first place. all the best, alexa witt
David Seidman, Maybe your problem is that you are a writer and spend a lot of time alone. During the decades that I've worked for various companies, I have met an incredibly large number of delectable, yummy, intelligent, independent, non-independent, and attractive females of all persuasions, White, Black, Jewish, Asian - you name it, even Green on St. Patrick's Day. I even married one of them (not Green, but not Jewish either.) To me, it makes not a whit of difference. I didn't get married to satisfy some sort of cultural imperative, but because of the relationship that had been formed between my wife and myself. We do not live in a ghetto, so I am free to do all that other citizens can do. If this leads to a weakening of the religion, well, I can easily live with that since I don't really give a hoot; religion is a matter of complete indifference to me. After all, I only know that I am Jewish by what my parents told me and I certainly never checked their credentials. I went along and was Jewish, one who didn't observe any of the religion but was Jewish nevertheless. At least, I have never heard of anybody being de-Jewed because of indifference. (If that were the case, the worldwide count of Jews would suddenly drop drastically, I suspect.) My teenage son, who is technically not Jewish, knows more about Jewish history and thought than many Jews I've known. The rule that Jewishness can be transmitted only through mothers is antiquated, not fit for our times now that we live in the global society. By insisting on such atavistic, tribal customs, many potential members are never considered. It is as if the matrilineal rule wants to shove the Jews back into the ghetto to maintain some sort of purity - I'm not sure what kind - ideological, cultural, whatever. In the final analysis, it isn't the rabbis who decide these matters anyway. The German Nazis traced Jewishness back several generations and if they said you were a Jew it pretty much decided where things were headed. But of course in peacetime, and in a Jewish country, the priesthood play their desert games to their hearts' content. The hassles of the Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform movements make me think of the priests of various Christian religions who maintain the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. Those priests squabble interminably, and always try to encroach upon each others' territories too.
I agree, there are only two types of Jewish woman. Before marriage...and after marriage. Before marriage...everything is fine. After marriage...fuhgeddabout it.
From Malka: < I have a sister in Glenale shes single and her goy-boy is bad she's beautiful I could fix you up! > Hi, Malka. If you're making that offer to me, thank you -- but I don't get involved with women who have boyfriends. David Seidman
If there are no good Jewish women out there -- make one! Isaac and Jacob didn't go looking around for the perfect Jewess; they fell in love and incorporated new imahot into our tribe. We should all take a lesson from their wisdom; if we keep on inbreeding all of our children will end up with Tay-Sachs.
oy Geshtalt!
From Michelle B: < Maybe I am too dense to understand why you are just focusing on "Jewish" women -- expand your horizons, for goodness sakes. > Michelle, was your comment directed at me? My article focused on Jewish women because I think they're the only women who say that there are no good Jewish men out there. I've never heard Gentile women say it. David Seidman
I have a sister in Glendale shes single and her goy-boy is bad she's beautiful I could fix you up!
I am a professional african american woman who just married a wonderful Jewish man who was my best friend for 7 yrs. It took him a while( and a few grilfriends) to muster the courage to tell me that he loved me. He is of Eastern European descent and life long New Yorker . But he is the best man in the enitre world!! No, he doesn't make a lot of money. So what? What is "a lot of money" anyway? He is passionate,honest,witty,intelligent with integrity to spare. I am close friends with other jews conservative, reconstructionist... whatever. Yep, I'm a Christian. I find Jewish women and (Jewish people) very vibrant and very beautiful. The Sephardic are REALLY interesting. My point is that there is someone out there to appreciate you.
Come on! You can't possibly be that bad! Tip 1: Remember, women can smell low self-esteem a mile away, so think positive! Tip 2: Think outside of the box, i.e. don't pass up some of those women who may be a 5 or 6 in the looks department. They may be diamonds in the rough like you are. Tip 3: Dress for success: Women do notice men who invest a little in their appearance i.e good grooming and dress in a non-metro-sexual sort of way. Tip 4: Height concerns: I don't know how tall you are but just look at Napoleon and Tom Cruise and know that there is hope. If you are below 5' 2" then you might consider shoe lifts or cruising a little people's convention for possible matches (I'm serious). Tip 5 For most people, age is just a number. In fact, women are open to men as much as 15 years older so 30 year olds are still a possible match for you. However, you might do better with women your own age with whom you have more in common with. I strongly recommend that you find out where the unmarried 40 something Jewish women hang out or have friends and family hook you up. Tip 6: Don't worry about how much money you earn, instead, use the fact that you're a writer and live in L.A. as an asset: Women don't really care how much money you have, women love power or access to power or both. Writers who live in L.A. may not have power but they have great access. Case in point, I was at a hollywood movie premiere/after party a month ago and many women were clinging onto a writer who was as you described yourself. This writer was broke and a virtual unknown but he knew the guy, who knew a guy who kinda knew the main actor (read:tall, handsome, rich, manly) in the movie. Once said actor said "hi" to writer guy he was an immediate draw for the women around him. This "hotness" by association can be yours too so get out there! Tip 7: Pray! Pray and believe God that He will send you your beloved. Pray also that he prepares you for all that it will take to love that person for a life time. That's the hard part! Plus, would it hurt you to attend temple a little? If this advice doesn't help you, I am availble for talk therapy and psychological counseling at a fee of $250 an hour. Please call my secretary.
don't feel bad, this seems to be afflicting people of every race nationality and creed, simple fact is, better education and jobs mean people are pickier, the right to choose, freedom as we call it, really isn't as liberating as it sounds it is it, with all of the freedoms we have to date and mate, we still end up unable to find the right person why?, yet we put down the way our great grands/ grandparents met, america is also a narcissitic society, lets face it, not to say its not a great country, but it is youth obsessed and alot of people are superficial, anyway , for all their high standards and all, alot of people end up being alone.
Waddaya tawkin' 'bout? I always thought you were quite the catch, and they were lined up at your door. You'll find that special person -- if you haven't done so already.
David, what you need to do is settle down with a good Black woman. I am surprised that you are unable to find a woman in West Hollywood. How cranky and cumudgeonly are you? Maybe you should try the East Coast. Or at least, expand your search outside of West Hollywood. You never know, you may find your bashert in Baltimore!
Jewish men are really cheap. I'm sorry.
I am married to a guy who was raised jewish, oh he doesn't admit to being jewish. But mommy is God. She raises her voice (could be over a hangnail) and he jumps through all hoops she demands. I am ordered to go to a hospital by a doctor, and that is nothing. (I didn't go) Surely it is only in my head. Not only mommy,but every other woman in their life is perfect. Wives are just employees, robots. You don't communicate with them, just give them orders. They are to comply. Our life was perfect together until I encouraged his mom to move here from Florida, so she could be closer if she needed anything. WOW, they need everything! I am so drained physically and emotionally. How can you turn a minor into a major. What wasted energy. Dating a (single) Jewish guy is heaven. DO NOT MARRY THEM!!!!!!!!!
Jaque, look out. Mine is from new York too. Our first 121/2 years were heaven. Then Mommy.