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Aly Project a Golden Success

The Backward is the Forward’s annual satirical Purim edition. Enjoy!

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Aly Raisman, the young gymnast who won hearts around the world with her gold medal floor routine set to “Hava Nagila,” is actually the product of the top-secret Aleph Project, a multi-year scientific effort to develop a Jewish sports icon for the 21st century.

The Backward has learned that the very qualities that propelled Raisman to success — her choice of gymnastics, her All-American upbringing in a Boston suburb, her girl-next-door smile, her poise under pressure, and her powerful thighs and buttocks — are the result of extensive field research and laboratory testing, all with the express purpose of producing a sporting celebrity who could instill pride and envy in young American Jews.

Dr. Melvin Goldstein, a professor of genetics and cell biology at Harvard University, has been revealed as the project leader. After evading phone calls, Goldstein was found in a windy Fenway Park, watching the Boston Red Sox practice with misty eyes. “We haven’t had a top-notch Jewish sports celebrity since the days of Sandy Koufax, or maybe Mark Spitz,” he said. “And let’s face it, you’re not gonna get a Jewish Mary Lou Retton the natural way. So we pulled together a great team of scientists and built Project Aleph — or Aly, as the world knows her.”

Goldstein added with a chuckle, “Some of our team members thought we were tipping our hand a little by choosing Hava Nagila for the floor routine — but hey, it worked!”

Although the effort cost millions of dollars, project officials said they expect to recoup the expenses by loaning out Raisman, 18, for fundraisers.

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