BINTEL BRIEFWill the cousins be upset about a photographer at my Saturday wedding?
Bintel helps a bride navigate a wedding on Shabbat with Orthodox relatives
Will the Orthodox cousins be upset about a photographer at a Saturday wedding? Illustration by Canva/Beth Harpaz
The Forward has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906 in A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters. Send us your quandaries about Jewish life, love, family, friends or work via email, Twitter or this form.
Dear Bintel,
I’m having a summer wedding (hopefully — we’ve pushed back to August 2021), and part of the package that comes with our photographer is coverage of the rehearsal dinner. We’re not having a formal rehearsal dinner, but we are having a Friday night dinner for our guests, almost all of whom are from out of town. I’d love for the photographer to cover the event, but my mom is worried my Orthodox Jewish cousins will be uncomfortable. Is that true?
Signed,
Wedded Unseen?
Dear Unseen,
You don’t mention the option of asking your cousins themselves, and I wonder why not. Are you not close with them? Are you worried about offending them with the question? Are you worried they’ll say it does make them uncomfortable and you’ll feel obligated to scrap the pictures? I ask because the one thing you don’t want to do is make assumptions about their practice, and you don’t want to offer an option you’ll later resent. Your Orthodox cousins from childhood might no longer observe in the same way they grew up, or might have a perspective that surprises you.
If you go with the photos, I’d give your cousins a heads-up that there will be a photographer there, but that of course there is no expectation they’ll be in pictures. Let them decide what to do on the day. The critical issues here are that many Orthodox Jews cannot pose for pictures on Shabbat, and if the photographer is Jewish, they would likely be uncomfortable being in any picture taken, even in passing. That means you shouldn’t ask them to be in any group pictures, and understand they might try to avoid the lens. If they’re frequently in non-Orthodox spaces on Shabbat, this won’t feel that strange, I imagine, but for some Orthodox Jews, the presence of a photographer would be jarring and feel against the Shabbat spirit.
You also mention having a summer wedding, where Shabbat can often start quite late. If your dinner begins well before sunset, you can confine the photographs to the beginning of the night, which might be a win-win. But let your cousins know the situation, and let them know you respect whatever actions they want to take in response.
Fingers crossed that you get your big day!
Signed,
Bintel
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