BINTEL BRIEFMy coworker never combs her hair. How do I tell her she’s hurting her credibility?
The unbrushed look, from left to right: actor Natasha Lyonne, former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, actor Helena Bonham Carter. Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty (Lyonne); Yan Dobronosov/Global Images Ukraine/Getty (Johnson); Julien M. Hekimian/Getty (Bonham Carter)
By Beth Harpaz May 15, 2024
A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email, social media or this form.
Dear Bintel,
I work with a lovely woman who has a high-profile position. She’s smart, kind and good at her job. The only problem is that she’s beautiful but totally not vain, to the extent that she never combs her hair!
This impacts her credibility in our professional community and I’ve been deputized to tell her. How can I do it without hurting her feelings?
Signed,
Delilah
Dear Delilah,
Here’s how you tell other people what to do with their hair: You don’t.
And here’s how you deal with the office junta, or the mean girls squad, or whoever “deputized” you to enforce some imaginary workplace code for acceptable hair: You say that you’ve reconsidered and you’re not willing to carry out this plan.
Why? Because it’s sexist and none of your business — and it might even land you in trouble.
If another colleague is hellbent on controlling how your coworker looks, let that person do the dirty deed. But make sure you tell them, “Not in my name.”
Your letter suggests you already know, at some level, that policing other people’s hair is unacceptable in 21st-century workplaces. That’s why you can’t find the words to do it. You rightly recognize that no matter the intention or how this “advice” is delivered, it’s bound to cause bad feelings. Your coworker will be hurt, humiliated or enraged. And it’s hard to imagine anyone suggesting having a similar conversation with a man in a “high-profile position.”
People have also filed lawsuits over things like this. Is it worth the risk that you might be publicly accused of contributing to a hostile work environment? Or disciplined by a manager for harassing a colleague?
Besides, do you really think telling a grown woman to “brush her hair” is going to result in the change you seek? I doubt it. Perhaps she has purposely chosen a bedhead or grunge look — as have many other successful people. Former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson comes to mind, along with lots of actors, rockers and models.
You don’t mention her ethnic or cultural background. But it’s worth noting that uncut hair is prized by Rastafarians, Sikhs and Pentecostals, while a strain of Hinduism associates matted hair with divinity. And there are countless examples of Black students punished for wearing braids or dreadlocks to school.
I happen to have the unruly, frizzy hair that’s common to my Ashkenazi Jewish DNA. No amount of product can give me silky straight locks; I’ve spent a small fortune over the years on blowouts, only to have that sleek look dissolve into a humid, windblown mess minutes after leaving the salon. I admire women who say to heck with convention, let my hair be au naturel.
Your letter also got me thinking about all the ways in which religious and other authorities try to control hair in order to curb self-expression or sexuality. Islam and Orthodox Judaism, for example, require women to cover their hair for modesty. The rock musical about 1960s counterculture was called Hair because long and uncoiffed locks in that era symbolized resisting conformity. Today, guys who lasso their long hair into “man buns” and women who shave their heads are flouting gender norms.
Hair can symbolize power, and taking it away or controlling it has long been used as a way to emasculate, punish or humiliate someone. Remember the biblical story of Samson and Delilah? Delilah cut Samson’s hair to take away his strength. In Greek mythology, the gods punished Medusa by replacing her hair with snakes. After World War II, French women who’d consorted with Nazis had their heads shaved.
Sexism is at play here, too. If your coworker — let’s call her Sam, in honor of Samson — were a man with a terrible comb-over, would you be suggesting he get a toupee or implants? Thank goodness we’ve already rejected lots of other rules for how women should look in the workplace. Remember the tyranny (and expense!) of pantyhose? Ugh! I’m also old enough to remember when girls — and their female teachers — couldn’t wear pants to school (and I’m not that old).
You and your coworkers have to decide which side you want to be on: the side that says women have to look a certain way to be successful, or the side that says it’s what’s inside the person’s head, not on top of it, that matters.
Do you have an opinion about this Bintel, or a question of your own? We’d love to hear from you. Email [email protected].
Chana Pollack, the Forward’s archivist, contributed to this Bintel.
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