BINTEL BRIEFI keep running into my exes at my synagogue. Why can’t they find their own place to pray?
Bintel considers who gets the shul in the breakup
Who gets the shul in the breakup? Graphic by Mira Fox
By Mira Fox May 23, 2024
A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email, social media or this form.
Dear Bintel,
I live in a major metropolitan area and several years ago I dated a man from a Modern Orthodox family. He was no longer observant and never attended shul with me in the year we dated.
I am a Jew by choice in the Conservative movement. I grew up with a Jewish dad but no Jewish education, and went through conversion many years ago. After a year of dating, this man told me his family would never accept me, or any hypothetical children, as Jewish.
Our relationship ended and left me feeling pretty angry; I thought he could have figured out this apparent incompatibility earlier instead of wasting precious time in my childbearing years.
I figured I’d never see him again, but a few years later, he showed up in the synagogue where I’ve been a member for eight years.
It was deeply unsettling to see him in my spiritual home. I put forth considerable effort to ignore his presence, along with his new girlfriend and brother. They left before services were over, so I was spared a run-in.
Though it’s been a few years since our parting, his presence really touched a nerve. I do not want to share air with this man at my synagogue or in other young adult Jewish circles in my city.
I attend shul almost every week. I want to figure out if seeing this guy was a fluke or if I’m likely to run into him regularly. Does the girlfriend or his brother now belong to my shul? Is he on the hunt himself for some more spirituality?
I made an agreement with a different ex to avoid being blindsided like this. He steered clear of my shul after our breakup, and I have totally eschewed “his” congregation. But he has now told me he’d like to come for Shabbat at my shul, and I’m wondering how to navigate sharing my spiritual home with someone I’d really rather not see.
– Shocked at Shul
Dear Shocked,
Praying is, for many people, deeply personal. Especially in Jewish spaces, it’s also deeply rooted in community, and you’ve clearly found one that works for you. Having that safety suddenly disrupted is deeply jarring; your big feelings in the moment make total sense.
That being said, I think you need to take a step back.
One of the things you love so much about your synagogue is that it’s a community that has welcomed you. Just because these men have had a falling out with one person doesn’t mean that they aren’t still part of the Jewish community; they should be able to feel just as at home in this shul as you do.
A big part of Judaism has always been embracing conflict. Just look at the Talmud — it’s basically all arguments. And Jewish spaces are all the richer for their diverse viewpoints, and their ability to maintain community despite passionate disagreements. Maybe keeping a Jewish framework in mind can help you as you approach your exes. After all, what is a break-up if not a series of disagreements?
If I may read between the lines, it sounds like part of what bothered you when you saw the formerly Orthodox ex is the idea that he’s now engaging in exactly the kind of Jewish life that caused him and his family to reject you. He’s at your shul — a place he would never go with you — with his new partner.
It’s hard not to feel personally rejected when you see something you wanted being given to someone else, even if you’re happy with where you are now. Why couldn’t he figure out how to accept this kind of Judaism earlier? Doesn’t he owe you some kind of explanation or apology?
But your relationship ended years ago. He has every right to grow and change and attend your shul — even without asking first. I doubt he was doing it to hurt you. Given that you’re no longer his partner, he’s putting his own needs, whether that’s just to support his current partner or follow his own spiritual journey, ahead of yours.
That’s actually healthy. He can’t live in the shadow of relationships from years past.
And neither should you. If he — or any ex — is going to be a regular at your shul, you’re going to have to find a way to live with it.
Don’t waste your energy trying to find out when either of these men might show up at your shul. You should not shape your life around any ex — and you should not try to shape theirs.
While it was perhaps polite for that other ex to let you know he wants to come for Shabbat, you shouldn’t really be in a position of giving permission for him to attend synagogue. Coordinating your religious life with your exes will make everyone’s spiritual experience more stressful and less, well, spiritual.
That said, I get that being unable to emotionally prepare to see an ex again might make you stressed every time you’re at shul. I think you can reach out — directly to either ex, not behind the scenes — to see if either man is planning to be a regular.
But remember: After you break up, it’s no longer your ex’s job to take care of your emotions. So be friendly, ask for information, but don’t tell them what to do or lay into them about how upsetting it is to see them. It’s your job to do whatever you need to, internally, in order to be OK.
Whatever happens, I hope you won’t give up on a place you refer to as your spiritual home. None of you deserve to have anger or guilt shaping your religious life: Your exes shouldn’t be afraid of upsetting you with their presence, and you shouldn’t live in fear.
It sounds like you have a Jewish life you love and feel accepted in, which is great. Lean into that feeling to help you let go of the hurt from your breakups, and all of the complex questions of Jewish legitimacy or ticking biological clocks that were wrapped up in them.
Running into exes is part of life. A lot of people do it all the time, and it’s possible to get used to it — I promise. In fact, sometimes seeing them regularly can even help diffuse the pain. Soon, your ex will evolve from the Ghost of a Relationship Past into just another person in the pew.
You might even find that if you interact with the real people, the ghosts you’re so angry at fade away.
Do you have an opinion about this Bintel, or a question of your own? We’d love to hear from you. Email [email protected].
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