1. The Schmooze

Natalie Portman, Queen of the Jews, Releases Startling New Ad

I believe that Natalie Portman is an extremely advanced android developed in secret by the highest level of IDF engineers to generate positive press for Israel and world Jewry. Portman’s new perfume ad for Dior only reinforces my argument.

In the ad, Portman sucks gently on the end of a pair of sunglasses. She wraps a sheet around her naked body and screams at a man to prove his love for her. She tucks a hank of hair naughtily behind her ear and then leaps from a pier in a ballgown. She laughs while being chased through various locations. She is yanked backwards down the French Riviera. She pushes someone over. She shrieks while clutching a pole. She has intimate sex on very clean sheets. She embraces a man in the back of a bus while dressed like a Flamenco dancer. She exhales, eyes closed, as a man wraps his hands around her neck. Finally, she and a group of beautiful white women drive a pink convertible on the beach, spelling out the word “love” in cursive. “And you?” she asks. “What would you do for love?”

The better question:

What would you do to live in a world where corporations couldn’t easily trick a beautiful actress/android into selling women scented pesticides in a 45-second male fantasy where being chased and pushed is equated to love?

Enjoy the full spectacle here:

This story "Natalie Portman’s New Dior perfume Ad Is bizarre" was written by Jenny Singer.

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Natalie Portman, Queen of the Jews, Releases Startling New Ad

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