Stanley Siegelman returns to Der Vinkl once again with an unusual news item and an equally unusual poem in his Yinglish — with its English and Yiddish variants. Here’s the way he describes his subject: Scientists reported a dramatic decline in the sperm count of European men; their findings caused concern as to whether the same phenomenon was taking place among American males. Subsequent research showed that sperm counts on this side of the Atlantic were holding steady and that there was no cause for alarm.

Men Tseylt Sperme

Der fakt iz dos — es iz gants klor —

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Mir “Yankees” hobn “sperm galore!”

Dos meynt az in Amerika

Di beyner zaynen shtark (hoo-ha)!

Der geveyntlekher man in USA

Brengt substants tsu zayn “wedding day”

Nor nisht der Eyropeyisher “er”

Fun sperme muz er hobn mer!

Mir darfn do mer “kind control”

S’iz neytik, dos muz zayn (der goal).”

Der bokher — yo! er brent mit hits

Er loyft tsu shnel, punkt vi a blitz

Oy boytshik, gey nisht “pell mell,”

Zay nit a khaye — seksuel!

S’iz tsayt tsu zayn a bisl praktish

Du muzst vern “profilaktish”!

Porn zikh iz oyfn zinen?

Darf men shoyn zikh disiplinen!

Di sperme iz a menlekhe zakh

S’iz mazldik ven du host a sakh!

On Counting Sperm

The facts are manifest and firm:

Americans are full of sperm

The U.S. male has more between

The gonads than the European

This means he has, the lucky guy,

The wherewithal to multiply

We spurn the European sperm

As feeble, thin, effete, infirm!

The findings show we must cajole

Our men to practice birth control

(The wise man saves his sperm until

It’s time to be venereal.)

Discipline in dating, mating

Might deter the fecundating

Theory as well as praxis

Shows the need for prophylaxis.

For sperm that gushes forth untamed

Can leave men both ashamed and blamed

A sperm count’s easy to announce

But it’s the sperm that really counts.

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