DER YIDDISH-VINKL April 8, 2005
Stanley Siegelman returns to Der Vinkl once again with an unusual news item and an equally unusual poem in his Yinglish — with its English and Yiddish variants. Here’s the way he describes his subject: Scientists reported a dramatic decline in the sperm count of European men; their findings caused concern as to whether the same phenomenon was taking place among American males. Subsequent research showed that sperm counts on this side of the Atlantic were holding steady and that there was no cause for alarm.
Men Tseylt Sperme
Der fakt iz dos — es iz gants klor —
Mir “Yankees” hobn “sperm galore!”
Dos meynt az in Amerika
Di beyner zaynen shtark (hoo-ha)!
Der geveyntlekher man in USA
Brengt substants tsu zayn “wedding day”
Nor nisht der Eyropeyisher “er”
Fun sperme muz er hobn mer!
Mir darfn do mer “kind control”
S’iz neytik, dos muz zayn (der goal).”
Der bokher — yo! er brent mit hits
Er loyft tsu shnel, punkt vi a blitz
Oy boytshik, gey nisht “pell mell,”
Zay nit a khaye — seksuel!
S’iz tsayt tsu zayn a bisl praktish
Du muzst vern “profilaktish”!
Porn zikh iz oyfn zinen?
Darf men shoyn zikh disiplinen!
Di sperme iz a menlekhe zakh
S’iz mazldik ven du host a sakh!
On Counting Sperm
The facts are manifest and firm:
Americans are full of sperm
The U.S. male has more between
The gonads than the European
This means he has, the lucky guy,
The wherewithal to multiply
We spurn the European sperm
As feeble, thin, effete, infirm!
The findings show we must cajole
Our men to practice birth control
(The wise man saves his sperm until
It’s time to be venereal.)
Discipline in dating, mating
Might deter the fecundating
Theory as well as praxis
Shows the need for prophylaxis.
For sperm that gushes forth untamed
Can leave men both ashamed and blamed
A sperm count’s easy to announce
But it’s the sperm that really counts.
This is a moment of great uncertainty. Here’s what you can do about it.
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