Michael Cohen, Top Secret International Diplomatister
Image by Nikki Casey
Among the many luminaries of the Trump administration, one person has emerged as a globetrotting man of mystery, carrying out top-secret diplomatic missions for his boss – Michael Cohen, formerly Trump’s personal lawyer and now consigliere-without-portfolio to the White House.
The Backward has obtained fragmentary transcripts of Cohen’s delicate missions, opening a window onto his inimitable diplomatic style.
•
[A luxury apartment in Kiev, Ukraine, decorated in the sleek, modern style of an oligarch. Cohen sits opposite his counterpart, known only as Mr. S.]
MR. S: You understand, Mr. Cohen, that for reasons of anonymity, I prefer that you call me Mr. S.
COHEN: What kind of a name is Mr. S? Is that Ukrainian?
MR. S: It is a pseudonym. [Sees Cohen’s confusion.] It’s not a real name.
COHEN: OK. So what’s your real name?
MR. S: I just explained to you – I cannot give you my real name.
COHEN: Alright. Then I won’t tell you my client’s name. I’ll just call him Donald T. No, Mr. T. No, wait – President T.
MR. S: Fine, fine. What will you have, coffee or tea?
COHEN: Oh. Uh, tea.
MR. S: Would you like anything in your tea? Milk? Lemon?
COHEN: Both.
MR. S: You want milk and lemon together?
COHEN: Both.
[Mr. S shrugs.]
[Servant pours the tea. Pours in milk. Squeezes in a lemon — milk curdles.]
[Cohen drinks the tea, spits out.]
COHEN: Hey — this milk has gone bad!
•
[A public park in Odessa. Cohen sits on a bench. A man in a trench coat sits at the other side of the bench. He surreptitiously slides a sealed envelope across the bench to Cohen.]
TRENCH COAT (quietly): These are top-secret documents for your client. The future of Europe, maybe even the world may depend on –
[Cohen nods. He starts to tear open the envelope.]
TRENCH COAT: What are you doing?! Those are top secret!
COHEN: What? I’m not gonna tell anyone.
[He starts to read, squints at a word. He flags down a passer-by.]
COHEN: ‘Scuse me – what’s this word say?
PASSER-BY: It says, “Michael Cohen.”
•
[JFK Airport, baggage claim. Anderson Cooper is there with a camera crew.]
COOPER: Mr. Cohen what were you doing in the Ukraine? Was this a mission for the president?
COHEN: I wasn’t in Ukraine.
COOPER: Yes you were.
COHEN: Says who?
COOPER: You just got off a plane from the Ukraine and you’ve been Instagramming your entire trip.
COHEN: OK.
COOPER: What’s that in your hand?
COHEN: I’m not telling you about this Top Secret Peace Plan because it’s none of your business. And if you print that I’ll sue you.
COOPER: We’re on live television.
A message from our CEO & publisher Rachel Fishman Feddersen
I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s award-winning, nonprofit journalism during this critical time.
At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse..
Readers like you make it all possible. Support our work by becoming a Forward Member and connect with our journalism and your community.
— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO
