Skip To Content
JEWISH. INDEPENDENT. NONPROFIT.
Back to Opinion

Bring Hot Israelis to America

Picture yourself on a Tel Aviv beach: A parade of tanned, toned Israelis marching past like some alternative half-nude army, flashing butt cheeks in string bikinis as you revel in a paradise of sand, surf and Semitic good looks.

Remember when God promised a free ticket to the Holy Land? This is what He had in mind.

Model Bar Rafaeli Image by Getty Images

He did not have in mind Taglit-Birthright Israel, which, as far as I can tell, is a scam to get American women to sleep with Israeli soldiers before marrying their paler, more-balding American compatriots (like me) without regret.

But now picture yourself on the Jersey Shore, or the Long Island Sound, or any East Coast summer station where we Chosen People have apparently been chosen to enjoy our mock-mikvahs in the freezing cold Atlantic. Not so great.

Thus, here’s what I propose: Reverse Birthright. Instead of sending young American Jews to Israel, we use the money to import beautiful, beach-bred Israelis into the good old U.S.A. to liven up our summers and saturate the dating/ogling market. In return for their free airfare, these Israelis would be required to attend all local Jewish events and spend time at synagogues and JCCs.

Just imagine how much easier it would be to convince young Jews to go to that Shavuot picnic if they could mingle with a group of Israeli hotties while wolfing down their whitefish. Overnight synagogues would be more packed than on Yom Kippur. Jewish teens would sleep outside for days to get tickets to Mandy Patinkin’s next Yiddish concert.

And that would be just the beginning. More Israelis in the U.S. would also mean…

• Increased U.S. support of Israel: How often do anti-Israel American liberals interact with actual Israelis? With more Israelis here we could convince liberal Americans that Israelis are normal people with a broad array of feelings about the Palestinians.

• An improved Jewish image on TV: I’m sick of TV depictions of Jewish women as some blonde WASP’s homely best friend, hidden in her apartment with a box of parve donuts. Not that we need to look to Israel for beautiful Jewish women — we have a wealth of them stateside — but more Israelis could help eradicate the stereotypes.

• Cornering the Middle Eastern food market: Why not include skilled falafel makers among the imports? Once the anti-Semites get a taste, they’ll think twice about asking for the demolition of the Jewish state.

Adam Wilson is a founding editor of The Faster Times.

Republish This Story

Please read before republishing

We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines. You must credit the Forward, retain our pixel and preserve our canonical link in Google search.  See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.

To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.

We don't support Internet Explorer

Please use Chrome, Safari, Firefox, or Edge to view this site.