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Texting is the most important communication tool of the 21st century when it comes to dating. Texting can either make or break a forming relationship.
I’d like to share a personal experience that should be a lesson to all texters out there. I once went on a few dates with an amazing guy from JCrush with whom I hit it off super well. He said all the right things: he told me that he couldn’t wait to see more of me and even hinted at making things more serious between us. I was pleasantly surprised and thrilled. Then, this same guy then went 2-3 weeks without texting me between dates. Granted, he told me he was going on vacation, but still — If you are interested in someone and are going to post pictures of your vacation every day on your Instagram, text the person that you “can’t wait to see” while you are traveling. It shows that you are thinking of them. If you don’t do that, people will assume that you are not interested, which is exactly what I did, and wrote him off. Three weeks later, the guy re-appeared with a text: “Wassup girl?”
Wassup is that I have a date with someone who’s a much better texter than you!
I know that plenty of people have multiple opinions on the rules of texting. In preparation for this article, I held an online focus group and discovered such a variety of texting preferences, which made me come to the conclusion that the same rules are not applicable for all. Most women prefer to text as little as possible (the typical game) while waiting for the guy to do all the work. But while I’m a big fan of chivalry, grand gestures and waiting for the knight in shining armor in a white Porsche, times are a-changing.
Kate from NY said: “My friends and I have talked a lot about why we have these expectations and why we can’t be the first ones to text after a good first date. Like, why do we put it in their hands to decide whether it’s worth going out again? Especially when first dates aren’t always a great assessment of whether someone has potential.”
I interviewed a few guys who said they absolutely can’t stand games and like it when women respond right away, keep the conversation exciting, make them feel wanted and surprise them by asking to hang out and suggesting an activity. Some men love proactive women while others love the chase.
Jonathan said: “I like women who are not shy or scared, and if they want to text or feel like calling, they just do what they feel like without worrying that maybe it’s too early and feeling insecure and uncomfortable about meeting the guy not so long ago.”
But Brett had another opinion: “I like the chase, as long as the reply comes off as she’s interested. If I can’t get more than a few ambiguous words in a text all day, I’ll stop trying.”
So while it’s imperative for both parties to feel like there is “texting chemistry,” there needs to be a certain balance: there is a fine line between coming off cold/uninterested and seeming too needy.
Here are some key texting tips I gathered from talking to single New Yorkers:
Men: After the date, please text the woman asking her if she got home okay.
Yes, even if you didn’t enjoy the date, unless she was a complete sociopath. It’s common courtesy and shows you are a gentleman and have been raised with great manners.
Women: After the date, please text the guy thanking him for a wonderful time.
If you had a horrible time and the guy was a jerk, delete his number and don’t bother getting into a text war about what he did wrong. Next.
Men and Women – Don’t wait too long to go on date #2 and keep the communication flowing in between dates!
Text each other a few times a day until the next date. It’s not necessary nor a rule to text every day. It’s always a good idea to keep a little mystery in between dates as opposed to pouring everything out on text from what you had for breakfast, lunch and dinner to when you walked your dog. You are not husband and wife yet. It’s about building attraction but if you’re too available, it might come off as needy or desperate.
Text in the morning rather than the evening.
A simple “Good morning. Hope you have a great day at work” text, from either party, will set the mood right for the recipient knowing you are thinking about them upon waking up. This specific tip was voiced by all the women as extremely significant. “Morning and evening texts are everything!” said Nick. Angeline said: “I definitely do enjoy morning texts more than night texts, it is good to know that they think of you first thing in the morning. Sometimes if it is in the evening or at night, I’ll doubt if he’s sober and texting other women because he’s horny.”
Show interest but don’t overtext with pictures, emojis, etc.
Don’t pour out way too much via text or you won’t be as mysterious anymore. Keep exciting stories and conversation for in person dates (unless of course you are dating long distance, then over-sharing via technology can save your relationship.) “I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty.” – Carrie Bradshaw
Texting Selfies? Proceed with caution!
This is such a personal preference and you really have to feel it out and see what your guy/girl likes. “I think the safe bet for girls is to not send selfies right away, because it can come off as either needy or she sends them to every guy she meets and its not special.” Brett said.
If you are not into the person, tell them politely via text instead of disappearing forever! Don’t be rude. Your parents raised you better than that and if they didn’t, then it wouldn’t hurt you to adopt this polite manner.
Content is everything.
Texting chemistry is something that can be worked on. If the conversation “turns into a back and forth of ‘How was your day?’ that gets boring fast. So if it’s a lot of that, I lose interest.” Said Kate. Tell a funny or interesting story. Share something the other person didn’t know about you. Keep it interesting and fun for both of you.
In conclusion, there really is no right or wrong way to text with someone! You just have to find a partner who is in tandem with your texting preferences and then watch things romantically evolve from there! If you have any further questions, please comment below. I always welcome suggestions about any topic you’d like me to cover in the next article!
Sonya Kreizman is the co-founder and CEO of Crush Mobile, a company that develops mobile dating apps like JCrush and MiCrush, targeted at specific singles markets across the world. Sonya is responsible for managing day-to-day operations such as overseeing developers, designers, marketing strategy and most importantly, answering each and every dating question sent by an existing or future user. Her no-nonsense, pragmatic advice has been heralded by many critics, especially within the dating app scene. It is Sonya’s wide-ranging knowledge of millennials and online dating that has set her apart from the rest. In a business where most “dating coaches” have a book and a couple of life experiences as credibility, Sonya is the only dating app CEO offering real time advice. As online dating and traditional dating quickly become part of the same fabric, Sonya’s words are proven more and more invaluable.