Josie wails, “I hate flute! I won’t play Takahashi Twinkle!” She hurls herself onto the couch, swanning and weeping like Sarah Bernhardt.
What do you do when you want your kid to do a given afterschool activity — whether it’s chess club, music, sports or religious school — and she doesn’t want to do it? Josie is a girl of big emotions, and she makes it clear to us (and if the decibel level is any hint, to everyone in our building, on our block, and probably throughout the East Village) that she is not happy.
But my husband really wanted her to do music. He’d always regretted quitting piano lessons as a kid. He went on to study electronic music in college, to become a DJ for his undergrad and grad school radio stations, to work as a roadie and manager for a rock band after graduation, to love music of all kinds. I’m more indifferent. I love to sing, but I wouldn’t die without music. Like Jonathan, I was forced to take piano as a kid, and I hated it with a white-hot passion. I was great at manipulating my teacher into not making me play. She had a little collection of children’s books about famous composers, and I’d bat my eyelashes and ask her, “Can we sit in your library and listen to some of Mozart’s wonderful music while I look at that fascinating biography about him and Nannerl?” She fell for it every time. I’m sure she was happy to get paid for dozing on her couch while I read a book.
My manipulation would never have worked on Josie’s flute teacher. She’s formidable — a serious professional, a superb instructor and a very intimidating figure. Josie’s studying the Suzuki method, which means at least one parent has to attend every lesson and be super-involved. (This method, also called “Talent Education,” involves frequent concert-going and performing, and an early emphasis on learning by ear instead of by musical notation.) Fortunately, since classes began just as Jonathan lost his job, he became the point man. It’s nice that he and Josie can share this activity. In our family, as in so many others, the mom is the primary kid-life manager, doing most of the big picture and day-to-day kid-related planning. I’m glad that music is one thing Jonathan and Jojo can share. (Besides Toontown online gaming.)
When Josie pouts about not wanting to practice, or screams in fury when she misses a note, I see how frustrated and disappointed Jonathan is. He knows what a great opportunity this is for her. Josie’s public school has a partnership with the Third Street Music School Settlement, our nation’s oldest community music school (founded in 1894 to offer harmony and uplift to poor immigrants on the Lower East Side), so that students get superb music education at greatly reduced cost. Jonathan desperately wants her to love this. And she’s good at it! Why won’t she just butch up?
Truly, I don’t much care whether she plays flute, but I do worry about what it means to let her quit. Are we sending the message that it’s okay to bail when things are difficult? Will she later regret that we let her dump the flute, the way Jonathan regrets that his parents never insisted he keep going with piano? But if we make her continue doing something she hates, will we kill a genuine love of music that could flower when she’s older?
I recently taught Josie the word “perfectionism.” I told her how my friend Terri, an artist, was putting off drawing a picture of a French bulldog for work. Terri had played fetch with an actual dog for an hour, tidied her desk, played on the computer, done everything but her actual work. I said even adults looked for excuses to avoid certain forbidding tasks. “I didn’t know there was a word for what I do!” Josie gasped, her eyes shining. When I told her that Mommy and Daddy have problems with procrastination too, and that it frequently goes along with being afraid you won’t do a good job, she was even more excited. “That’s why I do it!” she said. But it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy: When she waits to practice until just before bed, she’s exhausted and more prone to mistakes; when she doesn’t practice at all, she makes mistakes in class and feels humiliated.
Furthermore, for Josie in particular, not being good at something is agony. She’s used to being a major achiever. And with music, there’s a learning curve. And for Josie, that is the definition of hell.
So should we punish failure to practice? Should we bribe? Should we give up? These questions are causing tension between Jonathan and me, as well as Jonathan and Josie.
Perhaps oddly, I didn’t feel similar anxiety about Josie hating religious school. She disliked it a lot her first year. But unlike flute, religious school simply wasn’t optional, in my view. Sure, I researched other programs, thinking maybe a school with more experienced teachers might be more satisfying for her, but there was no way I’d ever let her dump religious school entirely. Since it wasn’t a choice, in my mind, I didn’t get too exercised about her moaning. And in her second year, she came to like it a lot more. As she made it around that learning curve of early Hebrew literacy, she stopped her incessant kvetching. But If I’d let her quit, we’d never have known that she’d come to enjoy it. Is that a sign that we should power through with flute?
Certainly researchers have found advantages to studying music. In 2006, a study in the neurology journal Brain found that music lessons can improve memory and enhance brain development in kids as young as 4. Imaging technology showed that over the course of a year, kids who studied music experienced greater changes in the brain than kids who didn’t; researchers said these changes could lead to improvement in attention, literacy and math. (Of course, it’s also possible that the simple act of focusing and memorizing is what helps brain development. Maybe encouraging a kid to do anything that made her concentrate would have similar effects.) But plenty of other research has shown that music and art education help cognitive development across other areas. And who wants their kid to be, you know, disadvantaged? Left behind? A Philistine? And if you’re a parent who loves music, how hard is it to let go of the notion that your child will share your passions?
In a couple of weeks, we have to decide as a family whether Josie will continue her lessons. I have no idea what we’ll do.
Write to Marjorie at mamele@forward.com.
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Let her quit. She'll learn more, develop stronger skills and think more deeply about issues while following her own interests, not her parents' or anyone else's. Studying music is great--for those who are interested. For those who are less interested, the study of music is great, too, but not when it involves practicing every day. Let her explore her own interests, whatever they be. Did YOU have to practice every day?
Before making her do it, YOU do it! See how YOU like it. See the time it takes from things that make life more worth living!
Let her quit. Music should be something you love--and if you don't, it's not the right fit...or, perhaps, just not the right fit for right now.
Our daughter played an instrument (poorly) in primary school and practiced only sporadically. When she reached the age (11 or 12) where the school band director required all musicians to take weekly private lessons to stay in the program, we gave her a choice: commit to practicing daily, or quit. She quit. My husband--who is a classical musician by profession--was very disappointed. Fast-forward five years: Today, that same child is a junior in high school who sings, joyfully, in both a chamber choir and a jazz ensemble. She takes voice lessons, practices religiously, and plans to pursue singing, either as a minor or an avocation, in college.
PS--Speaking as a first-born perfectionist and the mom of a perfectionist only child, I agree that it's important to convey that you don't have to be great at everything you do...and also that you don't have to be great at something--or even good at it!--to enjoy it. That is, however, a different message than saying you should persevere with something you don't enjoy, or makes you feel crappy about yourself.
Did Josie choose the flute, or was it chosen for her? If it's something she wants to be able to do, it might make sense to ask her to stick with it for x number of weeks, then re-evaluate. She has some experience with working through the hard part to get to the interesting part in religious school, and that's how music sometimes works. You play boring exercises or practice when you don't feel like it so that later on you'll be able to play really interesting music. So, if she were to keep going long enough to play something she wants to play -- that might be an incentive to persevere.
My daughter is 8, and for activities she's chosen (dance, karate) we've required her to finish the term of lessons -- usually about 10 or 11 weeks. We're about to start piano, and I've asked her to commit to 6 months. If she wants to quit after 6 months, that's okay; if not, we'll probably commit to another 6 months. She knows we're serious; she quit karate after one term and she knows she can try it again if she wants.
In your column, I see that you and your husband value certain things -- music, persistence, father/daughter time, opportunities for Josie to learn about working through obstacles or (horrors!) boredom and experience imperfection. Another way of looking at this situation might offer an opportunity to teach Josie about priorities: what would she prefer to do with the time she's in flute lessons or practicing?
I begged my parents for ice skating lessons when I was 9 after seeing "Ice Castles.". I was awful and was soon beggin to quit. And for nearly 30 years, whenever I undertake a new endeavour, I hear "just hope you don't quit after 5 weeks...just like you did with your ice skating lessons.". And I'm not talking about a proverbial tape running through my head. I mean I hear it from my actual parents.
On the other hand, I stayed with piano lessons even though I was awful. For THIRTEEN very long years. And I remained awful.
Which leads me to this -- try a different approach. Suzuki method is so intense and, though it has great results for some, it is not the method for every student.
Of course, you know this intuitively. It's the same, WONDERFUL solution you used with Religious School when you considered finding the right fit for Josie. The right flute teacher might make all the difference.
Or maybe Josie is interested in ice skating??
Happily, Marjorie Ingall doesn't allow her children to dump religious school. However, it should be noted that the option of dumping it did exist (albeit rejected in this case) - while the option of dumping public school, obviously, is not even an issue for discussion. Herein lies one of the sad aspects of Jewish life in America. Hebrew lessons or religious study is at the level of a hobby, like piano lessons or tennis lessons. It's not self-evident that a Jewish child must be educated by the Jewish community. It is not self-evident that there is a standard and supervised Jewish education with an expected achievement level. I wouldn't know what could be done to change the grim picture of Jewish education. After all, Jewish community life in America is voluntary. It would be encouraging, however, if there were at least a feeling of emergency that something has to be changed.
hi all --thanks so much for all the thoughtful comments (and emails!).
the last time i wrote a column about josie's intractable sleep issues, they suddenly became tractable. so of course the minute i write a column about josie wanting to drop flute, she decides she likes flute!
here's what i think turned the tide -- she achieved a minimum level of competency, which made practice less painful. she likes to perform, so we've given her more opportunities to play informally for friends and family. (her cousin does suzuki violin, and we're planning a "recital" this summer in which they will duet. josie's excited to make programs and have maxine sell popcorn, which will be a trick since maxine does not know the difference between a nickel and a quarter, but i digress.) i've received a lot of negative feedback about the suzuki method, but in josie's case, i don't think that's an issue -- i think she just hates not being really good at something. she's figured out on her own that when she practices more, she does better in class, and that makes her proud. we've been strict about not allowing her to play computer games unless she practices first, but we've also added a carrot -- if she chooses to do another year of flute, she can have an iPod Shuffle. you may see this as bribery or insurance, either way.
so, we're in for another year!