What do you call couples who live together, co-own pets and property, and celebrate the Sabbath with each other’s families, all without ever uttering “I do”? Journalist Hannah Seligson calls them “a little bit married” (ALBM), a term she coined after her own painful breakup and after watching her friends — urban, college-educated 20- and 30-somethings — build long-term monogamous relationships unbound by state law. The Forward’s Allison Gaudet Yarrow caught up with Seligson, whose new guide, “A Little Bit Married: How to Know When It’s Time To Walk Down the Aisle or Out the Door,” published in December by De Capo Lifelong Books, dissects this burgeoning trend.
Allison Gaudet Yarrow: The long-term relationship has become a rite of passage, like a first kiss. How did this happen?
Hannah Seligson: We don’t have the same rush to meet the milestones of adulthood, so people think, “I have much longer to date and figure out marriage.”
What’s the difference between marriage in our parents’ generation and ours?
Women used to marry for two reasons: sex and money. It used to be too risky to have sex outside of marriage before the advent of the birth control pill.
How has money affected ALBM couples?
There has been a huge uptick in cohabitation since the recession. People are moving in to save costs.
Why is it important to discuss religion as a couple?
If he’s Jewish and she wants a Christmas tree, how are you going to feel about that when you’re married? How about raising kids? These huge issues must be discussed, and it’s easier when you are still at the negotiating table as opposed to at the altar.
How can you get around the timeline that you set or that friends or family set for you when it isn’t going to happen?
You can’t marry a clock. People think: “I’m 30. I thought I’d reach these milestones.” It’s not the way it used to be. If your goal is to get married but you’re waiting for the perfect person, maybe it’s time to rethink your expectations.
What are the signs couples should look for when it’s time for somebody to walk out the door?
If you’re not on the same page about the big life issues: religion, money, sex. If one person in the relationship doesn’t want to move forward.
Listen to the full interview with Hannah Seligson below:
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People got married for sex and money ? A real Yiddische Mamala ! May be people used to get married for love, security and to start a family ! My parents have been married for more than 60 years, their siblings for nearly as long. They live for each other, for their children, grandchildren etc. As 'traditional' Jews they can't imagine not being married, and not just because they pre-date the birth control pill. Even in Talmudic times there were ways of avoiding pregnancy. 'People are cohabiting to save costs during the recession' During the Great Depression and during the worst years of Jewish oppression in Czarist Russia I don't recall Jews cohabiting to save money. Judaism has a certain moral framework.
We as woman don't think about safeguading the man. But in real life, a woman does. A woman having a good heart and strong in her values, and knows her G-D is a diamond. The man wants to be the head always, and in truth that is were the woman wants her man. But not allways does the head --think--in---unity--with the heart. Their heads get to big, this is where the woman, the neck holds up the head. Times like this you must be very strong, and remember you don't want to detach the head from you.
We are the closer to the heart than the head and feels it's beat more. In union with the head, we can help, the mind and heart work as one.
But, nevertheless, the head is closer to the mind, and his thinking is better heard than yours who is hearing the beating of your heart louder. If the mind is wise and it takes learning wisdom, and sadly it takes time, it can help the heart turn down the heart beat when it gets to loud. Together, mind and heart, with the coming together with G-D in all you do...builds a strong house. Because that is what you build in a marrage---a house, and it will be a place where all will want to come. Your children and family, will find, joy, and love, and happiness, and thankfullness, for you both being a part of their lives that made their life richer. Friends are like flowers and weeds, in season, and some we pull out. Build a house of blessing, and you will be blessed greatly. And when the end of the other comes, in this house he or she will never leave you.
Remember, we can't change any ones thinking, they themselves have to do that...and some never do. Yet some do,with the grace and mercy of G-D. A man or woman that has no G-D is blind, and a blind person, how does he know were to place the door, or will a blind he or she need windows, to let in the sun light. To build this house, one must be very strong.
Did anyone notice that the imagery for marriage in the very first sentence of the article is "uttering 'I do'"? People whose real cultural point of reference is the Jewish world have other images: "Standing under the chupah" or "breaking the glass" or "signing the ketubba". People whose cultural point of reference is the Anglo-Saxon tradition (or Hollywood) have the image of "I do". Even "celebrating the Sabbath with each other's families" (also appearing in the very first sentence) struck me as quite weird. When I speak with English-speaking Jews, they might say "Shabbat" (Israeli or Sephardi Hebrew) or they might say "Shabbes" (the Ashkenazi Hebrew or Yiddish tradition). But "Sabbath"? That is what one says to a non-Jewish English-speaking audience.
I found it painful to read this article. Perhaps the writer feels that her audience is far removed from Jewish life. I would imagine that it is much more likely that she herself is speaking from the Anglo-Saxon perspective. In either case, it's all very sad that such assimilationist wording appears in the Jewish press.
Hannah Selgson, you did great in writting this, and I see a very Jewish's heart that is looking with mind and heart into something, I pray, that G-D will also be in your thoughts on this, which I am sure they already are. My G-D bless this very Jewish girl in all she does, may she become a blessing to her G-D and us.
Yehuda----you----think---who is a jew?????
First, Yiddish was never a part of Shephardic Jewish culture. (the culture of the Jews of spane Portugal, the Balkans, Nothth Africa, and the Middle East) They had their own international language know as Ladino or Judesmo, which is a hybrid of medieval Spanish and Hebrew in much as the same way that yiddish combines German and Hebrew,1798--1979.
There are essentially THREE ISRAELS IN SCRIPTURE. In according to bloodline, and the Israel of Elohim according to the Spritual Kingdom and the third is Israel according to blood and spirit.
Yehuda, my friend, there also three ways to looking at who is Jewish.. Take a look...
1#...Is your god the god of this world, were sin is embraced and keeped higher than G-D of All Mankind. OR Is your G-D the G-D you have made a vow to keep sin out DAY AND NIGHT, so that the appointed (Ps 2 the declared decree given David and all of us who put sin out) the appointed ordinances of heaven and earth; Written in Jeremiah 33...the covenant and the law that is written on a TRUE JEW, A TRUE SON OF G-D.... it iw written...Ps. 51..the inward parts.
2#...Do you go to man made temples were sin comes and goes inside mankind minds and hearts...were sin is not put out of them, who come to praise their god.
Isaiah 1.. G-D speaks of them....Is. 1...When you come to apprear before me, who asked this from your hand?
Trample my courts not more; bring offerings is futile; incense is an abomination to me. New Moon and sabbath and calling of convocation I cannot endure solemn assemblies with iniquity. Your new moons and your appointed festivals MY SOUL HATES; THEY HAVE BECOME A BURDEN TO ME, IAM WEARY OF BEARING THEM.
Or......Is your G-D the G-D you have made a vow to to stay in the state of peace, like Jacob did in Gen.28 and David vowed in Ps. 101. so that they may inter in the HOUSE OF G-D, our true temple of prayer, for the true Jew.
3#....Are you a Jew with one breath or two? It two you are a true Jew.
For it is written...Job 33 The Spirit of G-D made me (below, flesh, one breath, death, dust) but the breath of the Almighty gives me life. (above, spirit, second breath, a child is given up to Us -Isaiah 9, a son is brought froth, or birth or begotten...the Declare decree....to be obeyed by the true Jew, the appointed ordinances of heaven and earth....that brought forth a child male or female, that has put sin out of their lives, now standing----in the mirror image,of their Creator- Man, a son of G-D.
OR You of one breath....for those are written...Ecclesiastes 3..I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the SONS OF MAN, that G-D might manifest them, ans that they might ----SEE--- that THEY THEMSELVES are BEASTS. For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: at the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have ALL ONE BREATH; so that man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity. All go unto one place; all are of the DUST, and all turn to DUST again, Who knoweth the SPRITI of man that goeth UPWARD, and the spirit of beast that goeth downward to the earth?
ANSWER.... HAVING ONE BREATH--DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHES, BUT HAVING THE SECOND BREATH FROM THE ALMIGHTY, THE ORDINANCES OF HEAVEN AND EARTH SPIRIT TO SPIRIT.
the ordinanes of heaven and earh...and the covenant of day and night.....Jeremiah 33.
Guys, listen to the interview or do some research on the book.
IT'S NOT SOLELY ABOUT JEWS.
Eliezer, look again at chapter Jeremiah 31, 32, 33.... G-D is not just for the Jews. It is written...Jer. I am the G-D of all flesh and he also seeds the house of Israel and the house of Judah with the seed of man, and with beast.
Read...Ecc.chapter 3....We all have ---one breath. The second breath is given when.....mankind....puts sin out...G-D in!
I think the book, is good, and the youth would do well to read it. This girl moves, with heart and mind.....in her thinking....