If You Agree With Me, Then You Are Right

Published February 17, 2010, issue of February 26, 2010.
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It has recently come to my attention that you’ve got some disagreements with me about the issues. In a series of letters to the editor, you’ve suggested that my logic is flawed, that I’m ill-informed about issues, that I misrepresent facts and that my knowledge of history is thin at best. These are all fair and reasonable points, and I appreciate your bringing them to my attention.

In response, I can only say: Where do you get off? What makes you such an expert?

Now, I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect. But I always make damn sure I get my facts straight before I go popping off my mouth or my printing press. When I say something, it’s because I mean it and I know what I’m talking about. In other words, because I’m right.

But apparently you think you know better. You’ve got some other idea about this. You saw an article in The New Yorker. Or you once read a book about this, or heard something on NPR, you can’t remember what it was called, but it said something else entirely. Or it’s just like what happened to your Aunt Suzie. So you disagree.

Smart move, Sherlock. You think I don’t know how to read? You think you’re the only one who’s got life experience? Puh-leeze! We’ve all heard what you heard. Only some of us actually bothered to think it through. And when I did, I realized that you and The New Yorker don’t know what you’re talking about.

Now, to be clear, I’m not some kind of dictator who thinks that everybody needs to agree with me. It’s a free country. Everyone’s entitled to their opinions.

The problems happen when those opinions are wrong. And when that happens, you should just hide your keyboard and leave the writing to those of us who know a little something.

So how about this for a solution? I’ll keep spreading enlightenment for those intelligent enough to listen and adopt my opinions as their own. You’re welcome to pay attention and learn a little something.

If not, that’s fine, too. In that case, you can retreat into your cave of ignorance and wallow in darkness. Or you can keep on reading magazine articles and chatting with your friends and whatnot. You’re even welcome to listen in on what I have to say.

But until you have learned enough to understand exactly how spot-on my opinions are, no one wants to hear from you.

Got it?

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