Backwards Looking Forward

Jewish News from the Future 50, 75, and 100 years hence

By Mendy Vutshkes

Published March 15, 2014, issue of March 14, 2014.
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2064

Major Court Case in Isratine

The Jeruquds Waqf-din, a Muslim-Jewish court involved in the adjudication of religious-related disputes among the citizens of the Islamic-Jewish Republic of Isratine, stands to rule on a major case that is likely to affect the large number of marriages in the country. The complicated suit, brought by Fadila-Shayna and Fruma-Lubna Ramadan-Levy, the daughters of Tzipporah Ramadan and her husband, Bashir-Hafiz Levy, accuses the parents of interfering in the girls’ education and, therefore, in their future. Top students at the Sarah Shenirer School for Advanced Islamo-Jewish Studies, the girls claim that their parents have turned against Isratine’s state-sponsored Judeo-Islamic religious system and have attempted to matriculate them in the Iranian-sponsored Christopher Hitchens School for Advanced Secular Studies. The staunchly secular Iranians have actively recruited students from abroad and appear to have convinced Ramadan and Levy to enroll their girls, allegedly offering payment. For their part, Fadila-Shayna and Fruma-Lubna have asked to be made wards of the state, saying they want no part of the Iranian Hitchens curriculum. “Secularism poisons everything,” they said.

2089

Yidish-redners fun ale lender fareynikt zikh!

Following a fierce battle in the country’s new parliament, Yiddish was declared the official language of the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea. After breaking away from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea in 2076, the new republic has made great strides in uniting its seemingly disparate populations. “Yiddish is the one thing that unites us all,” said Shmulik Jones, an African-American Jew descended from the tribe of Rodman. “English is the language of the oppressor. Yiddish is the only language that can set you free.” While the move was cheered by most citizens, others were skeptical. Pyongyang resident Alexander Cedarbaum said, “You’ve got to be kidding me. Yiddish isn’t even a language.” With the 5-year-old nationwide ban on meat still in effect, women all over the country have lined up to protest the rising prices of kosher tofu and seitan. “The mashgikhim are fleecing us,” cried restaurateur, Nancy Zinkoff, owner of the famed Cholenteria in Sinuiju. Hamhung-based soykhet, Gideon Dreiblatt countered that the rising prices were not a result of a greedy Soy Trust, but due to the increasing worldwide demand for cholent, a dish that has taken the culinary world by storm. With cholent demand especially high in China, the soy and seitan-based cholent industry has burgeoned and prices of meat substitutes have skyrocketed. Shanghai-based cholent distributor, Ah Fong, concurred, saying, “It cannot be helped. We Chinese just love Jewish food.”

2114

Organized Community Warns of Intermarriage Crisis

Jewish Terra is on the brink of a massive generational shift in identity and practice, according to the first-ever independent study of Terran Jews, conducted by the Pew Research Center. Young Jews are increasingly likely to say that they have no religion, despite saying they are Jewish. In doing so, they are rewriting the norms of behavior of Terran Jews, the survey reports. These “Jews of no religion” are far less likely to marry other Jews, raise their children Jewish, give to Jewish charities, belong to Jewish organizations, feel connected to the Jewish community, and care about Israel.


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