January 16, 2004

Published January 16, 2004, issue of January 16, 2004.
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• Brooklyn resident Annie Shneur needed money to buy medicine for her four children, all of whom are sick with diphtheria. The recently widowed Shneur was arrested after she walked out of a Brooklyn department store with $25 worth of clothing. Pale and thin, she stood before the judge and admitted that she stole the clothes, but did so in order to sell them so she could pay for her children’s medicine. Her neighbors and the building’s janitor all testified that Shneur is an honest, upstanding woman and would only steal if she was desperate. Judge Dooley ordered her case remanded until a trial date could be set.


• German professor Albert Einstein has amazed the entire scientific world with a stunning discovery. Presented at the Prussian Academy of Sciences, this discovery is even more important than his famous Theory of Relativity, the most significant scientific discovery of the last 200 years. Condensed into only five pages of text, Einstein’s latest project is the culmination of 10 years of work. The Jewish professor was bombarded with requests from reporters for a popular explanation of this latest work, but he told them it was simply impossible and that they shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

• A free-for-all brawl took place this week in the Belzer Synagogue after the Belzer chasidim made it clear that it was their intention to do whatever they could to maintain their occupation of the Jewish Community Council. Young, progressive Jews, who are opposed to the domination of chasidim, duked it out in the middle of Sabbath services with the Belzers. Eventually, the police showed up and ejected the troublemakers. Services continued, albeit with armed policemen standing in front of the bima. In front of an open Torah, the reader informed the congregation that they were required to vote for the Belzer candidates. In the meantime, the fistfights continued outside the synagogue. The Belzers, as usual, ended up winning the election to the Community Council.


• “For the Arab world, Israel is like a cancer and the only solution is to excise it,” said newly-crowned Saudi Arabian King Saud at a press conference. He added, “if we would have been united in 1948, there would be no Israel in the world today. Israel is like a wound in the body of the Arab world and we cannot endure the pain of this wound forever. We no longer have patience to watch as Israel occupies the length of Palestine.” It can be noted that King Saud’s father, Ibn Saud, took an active role in fighting the Jews when the state of Israel was declared in 1948. There is currently a cease-fire in effect in the region.

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