How To Navigate the Federal Bar Mitzvah Exchange Marketplace

Welcome to the federal bar/bat mitzvah marketplace, where we will make sure that your child gets the ritual adulthood celebration that he or she deserves. Please note that every American Jewish child aged 13 must receive a bar/bat mitzvah or else the family will face a severe financial penalty that even the savviest accountant won’t be able to maneuver past. You may, however, qualify for assistance by submitting relevant documents. But then you will be placed on a permanent “inability to pay” registry, which will definitely hurt your children’s chances when they reach marriageable age.

What we’re saying is: This is your child’s special day. Don’t be a cheapskate, nu? Parents will find a plan that suits their substantial income, whether they are employed in finance, medicine, entertainment or the legal racket. We also help those in lesser fields like publishing, light industry, or, G-d forbid, academia and government. Please contact us at our non-existent email address and non-working phone number if you have questions.

You may also choose to purchase your plan at the federal B’nai Mitzvah Exchange, otherwise known as Schumercare. Some states have set up their own exchanges in case Jews happen to move there. Also, you can purchase your own plan outside of the exchanges using a reliable broker that your uncle knows. Any way you slice the challah, it will cost you a bundle.

PLATINUM SUPER HEAVYWEIGHT PLAN “THE STREISAND”

For the family that spares no expense for their little man or woman or b’nai mitzvah twins, you get your choice of any florist from anywhere in the world except for Saudi Arabia, the option of having your reception catered by any combination of three “Chopped” judges — one of whom will personally man the ham-free omelet station at all times —unlimited premium alcohol and any one of these themes: “A Weekend At Our Apartment In Paris,” “Aspen Nights,” or “Plantation Follies” (racist premium applies). Entertainment provided by Taylor Swift or Beck, with bonus interruption by Kanye West. Venue is Dodger Stadium, the new Whitney Museum, or the entire North Side of Chicago. After-party transportation provided to family compound in Miami Beach via private jet or yacht. Prices start at if you hafta ask then move on down the line. Fully insured against drug overdose for all guests.

GOLD PLUS BONUS PLAN “THE HIPSTER”

If for some reason you’re under threat of federal indictment, this plan is still a good way to pretend that you still have money. It will definitely help you save face at Kol Nidre. Plus, your kids will think you’re cool, when what you’re actually doing is buying talent for cheap on the way up. Plan includes a catered dinner from a hot food-truck chef, a private night with an up-and-coming club DJ, and a live vlog of the party featuring a popular YouTuber. Every guest gets a branded selfie stick and a bottle of celebrity-endorsed vodka. Prices are expensive but you will be fully reimbursed by the federal government as long as you make generous campaign donations to the appropriate secret dark-money drop boxes.

SILVER PREMIUM OPTION PLAN “THE OLD-FASHIONED”

You don’t want much, just a nice service and a luncheon at the temple and maybe a Sunday brunch with a band that plays all the hits. At night, you can have a party at the house with some light refreshments and the kids can all hang out in the basement. Of course, if that’s what you want, we’ll give you both kinds of lox plus herring and schmear, no questions asked. But it will cost you 50% percent out of pocket and you might not be allowed to choose your cantor.

BRONZE $2,000 CO-PAY MANAGED OPEN ACCESS PLAN “THE KAFKA”

For a low monthly fee of somewhere between $750 and $3,500, or probably more depending on the very specific time that you contract with us, you will have access to a long list of service providers in every conceivable category, none of whom will accept your plan because of bureaucratic technicalities. But you still must continue to pay the premium or else the b’nei mitzvah will be invalid under an inscrutable system of law, which is guarded by our ancient doorkeeper. Also, your shul will not accept this plan unless you happen to live in South Carolina or Arizona, and even then your odds aren’t great and you will have to wait a dozen years for a venue that has already closed. Our investigators are always watching you, ready to accuse you of a crime that you didn’t commit.

COMMUNITY CHOICE WELCOME TO THE JEWISH FAMILY PLAN “THE DREAM ON”

Your child will have an initiation to adulthood that is intellectually and spiritually meaningful, fun but not excessive, contemporary but not cloying, while surrounded by all the family and friends that he/she loves. A reasonably priced but still classy celebration of the very best that the Jewish tradition has to offer that will fill your heart with precious memories for the rest of your life.

This plan is currently unavailable.

Neal Pollack’s latest novel is “Repeat.”

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