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May 27, 2011

100 Years In The Forward

Charles Cohen, a resident of Manhattan’s Orchard Street, was found dead in his bed from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Cohen suffered from rheumatism and was practically paralyzed by the disease. Just three years earlier, he was newly married, healthy and working in an ice factory. But after he came down with the disease, he was unable to work and his wife had to make do laboring in a sweatshop. Cohen said these last words to his landlord on the day he shot himself: “There will be trouble in the house today.” The next thing the landlord saw was the coroner carrying out Cohen’s body.

75 Years In The Forward

A sensational report from Palestine arrived, in which it was revealed that Emir Abdullah, leader of the Arab community in and around eastern Jerusalem, offered a deal to Jewish leaders of the yishuv, Palestine’s Jewish community, on the subject of Jewish immigration. The offer allegedly demands that Jewish immigration to Palestine cease for three years, during which Jews currently in the yishuv will be permitted to settle east of the Jordan River, unmolested. In related news, Jerusalem Mayor Hussein Al-Khalidi, who has been on sick leave, quickly returned to his post after British authorities installed the city’s Jewish vice mayor, Daniel Oster, as acting mayor in Khalidi’s absence. It was rumored that Oster was about to cancel city contracts with a number of currently striking Arab firms.

50 Years In The Forward

Nicholas Eichmann, the 25-year-old son of accused mass murderer Adolf Eichmann currently on trial in Jerusalem, arrived in Washington, D.C., and immediately began attacking Jews for having tried his father. In an interview he gave recently to The Washington Post, young Eichmann defended his father and presented him as a softhearted man who was not guilty of murdering Jews but actually helped save thousands of them. He also babbled about how 5 million Jews weren’t killed during the war, not even 2 million. To top it off, Eichmann added that Jews in America don’t behave like good citizens.


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