Samson To Appeal Juicing Charges
Graphic by Angelie Zaslavsky
[ ![][2]][2]
Image by kurt hoffman
NEW YORK — The competitive demolition community is in an uproar after the urine sample of Samson “The Danite” Zoraker tested positive for performance enhancing substances this weekend.
“I’m totally innocent,” Samson claimed on Monday at a press conference. “I’ve never used any controlled substances, except for my hair.”
Jewish slugger and National League MVP Ryan Braun’s lawyers, fresh off overturning Braun’s own 50-game substance abuse ban on a technicality, are working on the Israeli muscleman’s appeal. Braun reassured Samson, “Don’t worry, my guys can drive a truck through some of these loopholes.”
Also under the microscope are archive samples from storied figures. David son of Jesse was famously scrawny, but the summer before he slayed Goliath he was able to bulk up in a suspicious manner. Anecdotal evidence suggests that other goat herders, on the same goat milk and berry diet, did not add almost a third of their weight that summer. After his slingshot success King David maintained his weight mostly by feasting and was never able to repeat such prodigious accuracy, much to the discomfort of the Philistines who always claimed that foul means had been used. Deborah, she of the deep voice and broad shoulders, who led the children of Israel against the Canaanites, may be thrown out of the pantheon of feminist heroes by new gender testing.
And, perhaps most obviously strange, was the ability of Moses to carry not just one set of stone tablets down Mt. Sinai, but two. Some may say that it was a divine miracle that allowed an elderly man to heft such significant boulders, smash the first two, and then bring down a new set. Others have claimed that it was Human Growth Hormone or, perhaps, a synthetic steroid stored in his staff.
The World Anti-Doping Agency for Religious Figures (WADARF) is set to look into these serious allegations and report back sometime before the next baseball season starts.
[]: https://forward.com/backward-purim/
This is a moment of great uncertainty. Here’s what you can do about it.
We hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, we’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s independent Jewish news. All donations are still being matched by the Forward Board - up to $100,000 until April 24.
This is a moment of great uncertainty for the news media, for the Jewish people, and for our sacred democracy. It is a time of confusion and declining trust in public institutions. An era in which we need humans to report facts, conduct investigations that hold power to account, tell stories that matter and share honest discourse on all that divides us.
With no paywall or subscriptions, the Forward is entirely supported by readers like you. Every dollar you give is invested in the future of the Forward — and telling the American Jewish story fully and fairly.
The Forward doesn’t rely on funding from institutions like governments or your local Jewish federation. There are thousands of readers like you who give us $18 or $36 or $100 each month or year.
Support our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.
