BINTEL BRIEFReaders respond to our advice on bullying, sluttiness, retirement, Nazi memorabilia and more
Illustration by Beth Harpaz/Canva
By Beth Harpaz July 13, 2023
You like the idea of signing kids up for martial arts lessons as a way to build confidence against bullies. But you’re not so sure that someone who asks a Jewish person for help in disposing of Nazi memorabilia has done anything wrong.
Those comments, and many more, have been pouring into our inbox and showing up on social media in recent weeks in response to advice we’ve dispensed through the Forward’s storied Bintel Brief column. Some of you affirmed our guidance, others had advice of your own.
Here’s a look at what Bintel might be like if readers ran it:
Antisemitic bullying
The letter from a mother whose child was being subject to antisemitic harassment struck a chord. Many readers liked our suggestion that martial arts could help the child not only physically defend herself, but also build up self-confidence, “thus rendering them less vulnerable to bullying,” as one reader put it in an email.
Ury Vainsencher thought our mention of the Israeli martial art krav maga was “the appropriate Zionist response.” He added: “When she’s ready, she should beat the living daylights out of the bully. In public, for other potential bullies to draw the right conclusions.”
Another reader, Mike Hindlin, said kids should first ask adults for help, then walk away. But if that doesn’t work, “then hurt the mamzer enough so you can escape.” When his own kid was bullied and threatened with punishment for fighting back, Hindlin said, he threatened to sue the school.
Several readers told stories of taking matters into their own hands when they were kids. One recalled his father telling him and his sister that they’d have to learn to defend themselves, but when they did, the father then ordered them to apologize for beating up their bullies. What he really wanted them to do, our reader said, was “use brains to outwit the bullies without getting caught.”
Another reader said the parent should find a new school. “And if it has to be a private school (where parents have a say!),” the reader wrote, “the community should help to defray costs if the parents can’t afford it. What else are all our organizations for?”
Nazi memorabilia
Several readers thought we made the wrong assumption in advising a reader whose friend asked for help in disposing of Nazi memorabilia. We had agreed with the letter-writer that it was wrong to ask a Jewish person what to do rather than simply Googling for some ideas.
A few of you recalled Jewish war veterans in your families who had saved Nazi relics as historical artifacts and symbols of good triumphing over evil. They thought the person who was asked to help get rid of the items should have sought more information about the provenance of the items and the friend’s intentions before taking offense.
Dave Katz, for example, thought the letter writer should even “feel honored that a friend with whom they have a positive relationship asks them a difficult question.”
Religious slut
Then there was the teenage girl who wrote in to ask if she could be both religious and “slutty.” Bintel said the most important thing was to feel comfortable in both her sexuality and her Judaism.
A reader who calls herself “Randy” wrote in to share her own experience in a “promiscuous phase as a mature woman.” She says she made sure she “felt good” about herself and made an emotional connection with each man before hitting the sheets.
“Because my self-image is healthy, I could sleep with someone on a Thursday, make Shabbat the next evening, go to shul on Saturday morning, have sex with someone else on Monday, and study Torah on Tuesday,” she wrote. “The bottom line is, sex and religious practice both should make you feel happy about being you.”
Readers also weighed in on Instagram. “Everything I do is Jewish: My routine is Jewish, my food is Jewish, my thoughts are Jewish. Why couldn’t sex also be Jewish?” said one commenter.
Another: “The bigger problem is your seeking validation and once we no longer seek validation and have strength in ourselves we realize our true power!”
Overlapping conversations
We also got several responses about the reader who was scolded by a synagogue friend for interrupting conversations. Bintel cited linguistic research about “conversational overlapping,” which is known in some circles as Talking While Jewish.
Andrew Aulino thanked us, saying the column had given him some space to reflect on his own way of talking. “I’m often anxious about my speech having a domineering quality,” he said. “Growing up around my father’s family, ‘cooperative overlapping’ was pretty much the norm (same with shouting and bursts of laughter).”
Ralph Boroughs wrote in to say that he had to interrupt to be heard growing up in a house with five sisters. Later, he’d interrupt friends with humor. “Now as an old man, somewhat deaf, I often cannot follow conversations, so I often give up on them, especially in crowds,” he said. “If interrupted, I just shut up, and try to listen.”
Sitting shiva over disagreement on Israel
Bintel also got a lot of Instagram love on a letter from a woman who sat shiva for her living sister because her sister opposes Israel’s government. “The idea of sitting shiva for a living relative over a political disagreement has no basis in Jewish law,” we wrote, “and demands some deep reflection on your part before you even consider reaching out to your sister for possible reconciliation.”
“Incredible response, Bintel,” said one reader. “You never cease to impress. Thank you for treating this like the multifaceted issue it is.”
Others pointed out that anti-Zionism and antisemitism are not the same. “Conflating the two is very dangerous,” one said. But another sent our letter-writer “love and strength,” noting: “It’s one thing to have valid criticism of the Israeli government and a different thing entirely to advocate for Israel’s erasure.”
Retirement
Several of you wrote to thank us for the 18 ideas we offered to stay engaged during retirement. “What a wonderful column this was,” wrote Linda Tohn. “It opened my eyes to new possibilities for my spare time.”
Some of you sent in additional ideas, including getting a pet; writing a memoir and starting a discussion group on a topic you’re an expert on. Thanks!
Control-freak husband
To the woman who asked for help in getting her control-freak husband to stop micromanaging their business, one reader wrote: “My heart ached for ManSprained and wondered why she tolerated Hubby for so long, as it was not evident that there were children in the picture. … Relationships are hard, and I heard it said that a marriage has to be renewed (committed to) every single day.”
The Forward has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906 in A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters. Send us your quandaries about Jewish life, love, family, friends or work via email, Twitter or this form.
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